June 2011 | IT IS A J0KE

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

THE HOSPITAL BILL

A man was trying to avoid paying his hospital bills after an eye operation by saying, "I still can't see"
The doctor asks a s £ x y nurse
to undr£55 in front of him. He
again says "I can't see"
So, the doctor tells the
nurse to open her legs. Again
he says "I can't see"
The doctor noticed the man's underneath and says,
"Idiot!! If you can't see, why is your p£nn!5 rising???

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Can anyone provide answers to these?

1. Why does your

gynecologist leave the room

when you undre$$?

2. If a person owns a piece of

land, do they own it all the

way down to the center of

the earth?

3. Why are they called stairs

inside but steps outside?

4. Why is there a light in the

fridge but not in the freezer?

5. Why do toasters always

have a setting on them

which burns your toast to a

horrible crisp no one would

eat?

6. Who was the first person

to look at a cow and say "I

think i'll squeeze these

dangly things here and drink

what comes out"?

7. Can blind people see

their dreams and do they

dream?

8. Why is a person who

handles money called a

broker, can he be broke?

9. If quizzes are quizzical,

what are tests?

10. If corn oil is made from

corn and vegetable oil is

made from vegetables. What

is baby oil made from?

11. Why is it that when

someone tells you that

there's billions of stars in the

universe,

you believe them. But if they

tell you there's wet paint

somewhere you have to

touch it?

12. Why do you call it an

asteroid when its outside the

hemisphere, yet call it

hemorrhoid when its in your

a$$?

Sunday, June 26, 2011

THE MUSIC

One day, a man went to a restaurant, after some minutes, he realized that he needed to fart (pass gas). The music was really very loud, so he timed his gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, he felt better, finished his coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at him. Then he suddenly remembered that he was listening to the music through an ear phone.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

THE HAIR CUT

A man went to a salon for a hair cut. On getting there, the man started a short conversation with the barber

Man: How much is it for hair cut?
Barber: $50
Man: For God's sake, that's too expensive! Anyway, how much do you charge for shaving?
Barber: It's just $5
Man: Please, shave my head.

Friday, June 24, 2011

THE LOST PANT

A woman lost her p@n ts, she later accused her house girl in the presence of her husband. The girl now says, "Madam, I don't wear p@n ts, even your husband can bear me witness.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Hmmm!

Biggest lie ever: “I have read and agree to the terms of use”

The guy who discovered milk….What was he doing with that cow? Hmmm!

Is ..3x-7y+(1/2) b.. really gonna help me in life?

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

THE PHONE CALL

A woman buys a new SIM card, puts it in her phone. To surprise her husband who is sitting on the couch in the living room, she goes to the kitchen, makes her voice s £ x y and calls her husband with the new number.
"Hi darl!ng", the husband responds in a low tone, "Let me call back honey, that pig is in the kitchen"

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

NINE FACTS HIDDEN FROM US

1. Ninety percent (90%) of people in kenya don't drink milk;

2. Cobra snakes can see as far as a distance of one kilometer (1km);

3. A man can touch the sun if his body is completely surrounded by mercury;

4. No twins have been born till now in Greenland;

5. Rein deers don't have liver;

6.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
All of the above details are false;

7. Thanks for believing it for a while;

8. Today is not April 1st;

9. But a fool remains a fool any day

Monday, June 20, 2011

THE SENTENCE

A primary school English teacher was teaching his primary three pupils how to make simple sentences. After several explanations and examples, he finally said, "Each of you will make a sentence with beans starting with you, John."
John stood up and said "Beans is rich in protein"
"Clap for him," said the teacher, "Now James, your sentence."
James also stood up, he said "My best food is beans"
"Very good," said the teacher again, "Over to you, Johnny"
Johnny stood up and said "We are all human beans"

Sunday, June 19, 2011

THE CHICKEN THREAT

One day, a young guy went to a canteen and ordered for a full chicken, as he took his fork and knife to start eating three ladies came up and said, "Boy, we're giving you a fair warning, anything you do to that chicken we're going to do to you."
Immediately the guy heard the warning, he put down his fork and knife, picked up the chicken and k!$$ed it several times.

Friday, June 17, 2011

THE FARTING HUSBAND

There is a couple who had been happily married for years. Their only problem was the husband's habit of farting (messing) loudly every morning when he wakes up.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and would make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her that he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She was concerned that one day he would blow his intestines out.

Years went by and he continued with his farting habit. Then one thanksgiving morning, the wife was preparing turkey for the family and the husband was sound asleep. She looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey intestine, gizzard, lives and the other inner parts. Suddenly, a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was still sleeping. Gently pulling back the elastic waistband of his underpants she emptied the bowl of turkey guts (intestine) into his shorts and went back downstairs.

After sometime, she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting sound which was followed by a loud scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself and was laughing seriously with tears in her eyes! She was happy that after many years of torture, she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She asked him what the matter was and the husband replied,
"Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?", asked the wife.

"Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my intestines out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God I got most of them back in."

Thursday, June 16, 2011

DEADLY FRUITS

One day, in the forest, three guys were just hiking along a trail when suddenly, a huge pack of indians attacked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they met themselves at the throne of pack's leader.
The leader then said "All of your lives may be spared if each of you can find ten of one kind of fruit and bring them back to me."

After a while, the first man returned with ten apples. The leader of the Indians then ordered him to stick all the ten in his buttocks without making an expression on his face. He had a little bit of problem with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. So, he was killed.

Later, the next guy came in with ten grapes. The leader soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After the 9th grape, the guy started laughing so hard for no apparent reason and he was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy asked the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you would have gotten away.
The second guy answered, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

THE MAIL

A man was in his yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbour, Nancy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little while later, she came out of her house again, went straight to the mailbox, and again opened it and slammed it shut. Angrily, she went back into the house again.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched straight to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it close harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is anything wrong?" to which she replied,

"There certainly is! My stupid computer keep saying YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

THE DRIVER'S LICENSE

A blonde female police officer pulled off a blonde woman for speeding. The blonde cop approached the car and asked the blonde driver for her driver's license. The blonde driver asked, "What does a driver's license look like?", as she searched through her purse.
The blonde cop said, "It's a thing with your picture on it"
The blonde driver pulled out her powder compact , opened it, look into the mirror and handed it back to the officer.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the blonde driver and said, "If you had told me that you're a police officer, we could have avoided all these."

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

THE FORTUNE

He said: "Do you love me because my father left me a fortune?"

She said: "Not at all honey, I would love you, no matter who left you the money"

Monday, June 13, 2011

FATHER AND SON

Father: whenever I beat you, how do you stop your anger?

Son: I start cleaning the toilet.

Father: How does that help you?

Son: I clean it with your tooth brush!

THE WATER INSPECTOR.

A Saskatchewan Department of Water Resources inspector stopped at a rural farm and talked to an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation"
The old farmer said, "Ok, but you don't go in that field over there."
The water inspector said, "Look, man, I have the authority of the provincial Government with me, you see this card? It means, I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any agricultural land. No question asked or answered. Have I made myself clear?"
The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.
Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the inspector running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull, the bull was gaining on the water inspector with every step, the water inspector was clearly terrified, so the farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out, "your card! your card! Show him your card!"

Sunday, June 12, 2011

HOW WAS I BORN?

Little boy: Dad, how was I born?

Dad: Well son, your mum and I got together at yahoo. We set up a date via email and met at a cyber cafe. Your mum agreed to download data from my PEN DRIVE. so I put it in your mum's USB PORT and just when I was about to transfer, we realized that none of us had installed an ANTIVIRUS or FIREWALL. It was too late to hit 'cancel' and nine months later, a 'pop-up' window appeared saying "You've got 'male', welcome"

Saturday, June 11, 2011

THE BENEFIT OF DRINKING WHISKEY.

A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his grade4 class a lesson about the danger of liquor. So he proceeded on an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

"Now class, observe the worms closely" the teacher said, putting a worm first into the water. The worm played about, as happy as a worm in water could be.

He put the second worm into the whiskey. The worm writhed painfully and quickly sank to the bottom, dead!

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked.
Joseph, who was sitting at the back, raised his hand and wisely responded, "It is good to drink whiskey because it helps to kill worms."

THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO FIND OUT

"I've got a new dog," Harry told Lloyd.
"Why don't you come over and see him?"
"Does he bite?" Lloyd asked.
"I don't know," Harry said. "That's what I want to find out"

Friday, June 10, 2011

FOOLISTHINKING

Lloyd was bragging about his family to Harry.
"My sister's baby is a year old, and he's been walking ever since he was eight months!" Lloyd said.
"Boy,", Harry said, "he must be really tired!"

HOW MANY?

A health inspector walked into the restaurant where Lloyd was working as a cook.
"This restaurant is filthy!" the inspector said. "You've got too many cockroaches here!"
"Well, how many are we allowed to have?" Lloyd replied.

BIRTHDAY

"when's your birthday, Lloyd?" Harry asked.
"June 19."
"What year?"
"Every, year," Lloyd replied.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

THE JOB OFFER

A man walked up to Lloyd at the party and offered him a job.
"I'll call you tomorrow," the man said."what's your phone number?"
It's in the phone book," Lloyd replied.
"Okay, well, what's your name?" the man asked."
"Oh, that's in the book too!" Lloyd said.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

THE NOTE

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other a silent treatment.

The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me 5:00am"

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover that it was 9:00am, and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to see why his wife had not woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. ..on it was written, "it is 5:00am, wake up"

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

JESUS ENTERS JERUSALEM

A little boy named Johnny was bathing with his father one day. He noticed his father's d!ck and asked, pointing to the d!ck, "Daddy, what is this?"
His father replied, "It is Jesus"

When bathing with his mother on another day, he saw his mother's pu$$y and demanded from his mother to know what it is, the mother said, "It is Jerusalem"

One night, Little junior woke up in the middle of the night and had trouble sleeping, he decided to join his parents in their room. He met his parents having a nice s £ x session. When his mother noticed his presence, she quickly stopped and asked, "Junior, since when have you been here?" little Junior replied, "I've been here since when Jesus entered into Jerusalem"

LITTLE MERCY

Little Mercy was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually, she slept throught the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was sleeping, "Tell me, Mercy, who created the universe?"
when Mercy didn't stir, Little Johnny, a boy sitting in the class behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!", Mercy shouted and the teacher said, "Very good" and Mercy fell back asleep.
A while later, the teacher asked Mercy, "Who is our Lord and saviour?" But Mercy didn't wake from her sleep. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and struck her with the pin again.
"JESUS CHRIST!" Mercy shouted and the teacher said, "Very good" and Mercy fell back to sleep.
The teacher asked Mercy a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mercy jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUC K!NG THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP TO YOUR A$$!"
The teacher fainted.

Monday, June 6, 2011

THE TIME

Harry: can you tell me what it is by the time now?
Lloyd: yeah, it's 7:45am.
Harry: why are you so foolish, can't you see that the time is a quarter to 8?

Sunday, June 5, 2011

THE SIN OF LYING

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read MARK 17."
The following sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He asked to know how many people had read mark 17. Everybody raised hands up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying"

QUESTION FOR THE TEACHER

STUDENT: Will you flog or punish me for something I did not do?

TEACHER: You know I will never do that

STUDENT: I did not do my assignment.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

EXPOSURE

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right br£@$t was hanging out.
A police officer approaches her and says, "Do you know I can cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why officer?"
"Because your br£@$t is hanging out" he says.
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again"

Thursday, June 2, 2011

PLEASE ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS, I'M NOT JOKING

1. if olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

2. Why is ABBREVIATION such a long word?

3. If we are not supposed to eat some animals, why are they made of meat?

BABY SNAKE'S QUESTION

Baby Snake: Mummy, are we poisonous?
Mother Snake: Yes, honey, but why do you want to know?
Baby Snake: Well, I just bit my tongue.

THE FROG'S CALL

A psychic hot line called a frog and told him "You are going to meet a beautiful young lady who will like to know everything about you."
The frog said "That's great! where will I meet her?" In her biology class in the lab.

THE WAY OUT

A woman walked into a pet store where Harry was working. "Excuse me," she said, "but could you help me out?"
"Sure," Harry said. "Just go through that door!"

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