Tuesday, January 31, 2012

THE GIFT

A man buys a set of pants as gift for his wife while returning from a trip and shows it to her. The woman says,"Shit! My boss will complain that I wear the same pant everyday".
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Saturday, January 28, 2012

NIZE JOHNNY

Little johnny walked up to his dad's room while his dad was working on his laptop. '' Dad '' Johnny said '' Remember when u said you'll give me 20 BUCKS if i passed my maths test? ''. Dad nodded and said yes. '' WELL THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT I JUST SAVED U 20 BUCKS ''.
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Friday, January 27, 2012

THE DAMN ACCOUNT

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, '' I want to open a DAMN chequeing account '' The astonished woman replies '' I beg ur pardon sir,i must have misunderstood u.What did u say? '' '' Listen up,DAMMIT.I said i want to open a DAMN chequeing account,NOW! '' '' I'm very sorry sir,but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank '' The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.The manager agreed that the teller does not have to listen to any foul language.They both return to the window and the manger asks the old geezer.. '' Sir,What seems to be the problem here? ''. '' There is no DAMN problem '' The man replies '' I just won 100 MILLION BUCKS in the DAMN lottery and i want to open a DAMN chequeing account in this DAMN bank,OKAY!!! ''. '' 100 MILLION BUCKS! '' The manager shouted ''Don't mind the DAMN FOOL, I am the DAMN manager of this DAMN bank and I can help you open the DAMN account this very DAMN minute!''.
Read more ...

Thursday, January 26, 2012

BAD NEWS

At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Master Carlos, This is
Arnaldo your country house
caretaker"
Mr Carlos: "Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo.
What can I do for you? Is there a
problem?"
Arnaldo: "Um, I am just calling to
advise you, sir, that your parrot
died"
Mr Carlos: "My parrot? Dead? The
one that won the competition?"
Arnaldo: "That's ð one sir."
Mr Carlos: "Darn! That's such a
pity! I spent a small fortune on
that bird. Oh well...what did he
die from?"
Arnaldo: "From eating rotten
meat."
Mr Carlos: "Rotten meat? Who
was so mean as to give him
meat?"
Arnaldo: "Nobody. He ate the
meat of one of the dead horses."
Mr Carlos: "Dead horse? What
dead horse Mr. Arnaldo?"
Arnaldo: Those pure breed ones
that you had, sir. They died from
all that work pulling the water
cart."
Mr Carlos: "Are you insane?! What
water cart?" :/
Arnaldo: "The one we used to put
out the fire."
Mr Carlos (now alert): "Good
Lord! What fire are you talking
about, man?"
Arnaldo: "The one at your house!
A candle fell and then the curtain
caught on fire."
Mr Carlos: "What the hell!!! But
there’s electricity at the
house!!!! What was the candle
for???"
Arnaldo: "Um um for the funeral
sir." #:-s
Mr Carlos: "WHAT BLOODY
FUNERAL
Arnaldo? !!!" >:O Arnaldo: "Um
um...Your mother's! She showed
up one night out of the blue and
I thought she was a thief, so I
SHOT HER DEAD sir...
Read more ...

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

BUDGET CUT

To surprise her husband, a company executive's wife decided to stop by her husband's office.....On entering the office, she saw the female secretary sitting on her husband's laps. In order to defend himself the husband quickly said
''BUDGET CUT OR NO BUDGET CUT,MANAGEMENT MUST DO SOMETHING.I AND MY SECRETARY CANNOT BE SHARING THIS OFFICE WITH JUST A SINGLE SEAT"
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Tuesday, January 24, 2012

A WOMAN'S GREATEST MISTAKE

A wife suspected her husband was sleeping with their maid, so she laid a trap. She sent the maid to the village for weekend and didn't tell her husband. That night they went to bed. The husband woke up and gave his old story. "Excuse me dear,i want to watch Tv in the parlor", he went to the parlor first. Shortly, wife snicked into the maid's room, stripped and laid on the bed light off. She heard him come in silently and wasted no time with words and started making luv with her since she was Unclad. When he finished, the wife said to him, "God has exposed you, you didn't expect me on this bed, did you"? She then switched on the light. "No Madam!!!" said the gate man, I'm sorry I didn't know you were the one.
Read more ...

Monday, January 23, 2012

THE UNPREDICTABLE GIFT

At the end of the school year, the
kindergarten was saying farewell
and accepting small gifts from
her pupils who were sad to be
leaving.
The son of d florist handed her
something – which she took and
held over her head. “I know
what dis is. It’s
flowers!”“Yes,” said d boy.
“How did you know
that?”“Just a guess,” she
told him.The next student was
the daughter of the candy shop
owner.
The teacher took her gift and
once again placed it over her
head. “I know what this
is,”she said. “A box full of
candy!”“Yes,” said the
daughter. “How did you know
that?”“Just a guess,” she
told her.
The next student was the son
from the owner of the liquor
store.The teacher took the gift
and placed it over her head again
and found that it was leaking.
She touched the drop that fell on
her hand and placed it on her
tongue.“Is it wine?”
“No,”said the boy, who was
excited that she couldn’t
guess.The teacher then tried to
taste even more of the
leakage.“What about
champagne?”No”I give up,”
said the teacher. With excitement
the boy told her,“It’s a
puppy!"
Read more ...

Saturday, January 21, 2012

USEFUL MARRIAGE QUOTES

It's true that most of you guys are not married yet, but yet, a few of you are, here are some quotes and some personal experiences that will help your marital life, if not now, you'll find them useful in the farthest future.

--I recently read that love is
entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife
treats me like toxic Waste
--When a man steals your wife,
there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.
- After marriage, husband and
wife become two sides of a
coin; they just can't face each
other, but still they stay
together.
--By all means marry. If you get
a good wife, you'll be happy. If
you get a bad one, you'll
become a philosopher.
-- A happy marriage is a matter
of giving and taking; the
husband gives and the wife
takes
--Woman inspires us to great
things, and prevents us from
achieving them.
-- The great question... which I
have not been able to answer...
is, "What does a woman want?--
--I had some words with my
wife, and she had some
paragraphs with me.
--"Some people ask the secret of
our long marriage. We take time
to go to a restaurant two times
a week. A little candlelight,
dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays"
--I don't worry about terrorism.
I was married for two years."-
--"There's a way of transferring
funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It's called
marriage."-
--I've had bad luck with both my
wives. The first one left me and
the second one didn't
--It's true that all men are born
free and equal, but some of
them get married!
--Marriage is the process of
finding out what kind of man
your wife would have preferred.
--Marry not a tennis player. For
love means nothing to them.
--Two secrets to keep your
marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong,
admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut
up.
-- My wife only has 2
complaints. Nothing to wear
and not enough closet space.
.-- A good wife always forgives
her husband when she's wrong
--Marriage is the only war where
one sleeps with the enemy.
--"I haven't spoken to my wife
in years. I didn't want to
interrupt her."-

save a marriage or future marriage by sharing this with your friends... You might not realize how grateful they'll be to you for this.
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Friday, January 20, 2012

cHEAP HUSBANd

As a painless and easy way to save money, a new couple decided that every time they have sex the husband will put his two coins into a china piggy bank on the table beside the bed. One night while being unusually athletic, he mistakenly knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it broke to pieces. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?",his wife replied him saying, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."
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Thursday, January 19, 2012

A COMPLETE SESSION

On the first day of college, the dean/principal addresses the students pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined N200 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined N600. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of N1800. ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?". To this, a male student in the crowd inquires: "HOW MUCH FOR A COMPLETE SESSION?"
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Wednesday, January 18, 2012

THE THREE GIFTS

Three sons left home, went out
on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they
discussed the gifts they were
able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big
house for our Mother." The
second said, "I sent her a
Mercedes with a driver." The
third smiled and said, "I've got
you both beat. You remember
how Mom enjoyed reading the
Bible? And you know she can't
see very well any more. I sent
her a remarkable parrot that
recites the entire Bible. It took
Elders in the church 12 years to
teach him. He's one of a kind.
Mama just has to name the
chapter and verse, and the
parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out
her letters of thanks: "Milton,"
she wrote one son, "the house
you built is so huge. I live in only
one room, but I have to clean
the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another,
"I am too old to travel any
more. My eyesight isn't what it
used to be. I stay most of the
time at home, so I rarely use the
Mercedes. And the driver is so
rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to
her third son, "you have the
good sense to know what your
Mother likes. The chicken was
delicious!"
Read more ...

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

THE MILLION DOLLARS

A Mafia Godfather accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million dollars you embezzled from me?"
The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell... ..that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Read more ...

THE MILLION DOLLARS

Read more ...

Monday, January 16, 2012

NEW EMPLOYEE

A new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary asked. "Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?" "Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

If you think you're smart aNSWER THIS BRAIN TEASEr
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Sunday, January 15, 2012

GIRLS USED TO SAY

GIRLS USED TO SAY:
1980: Love me But do not touch
me.
1990: Touch me, But do not kiss
me.
2000: Kiss me, But do not do any
thing else.
2010: Do everything, But do not
tell anybody.
2011: Do everything, Otherwise I
will tell everybody that you can't
do anything!
...just wondering how what this
world will become this year.
Read more ...

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Purpose of life

I've been looking for the
meaning and purpose of life for
the past 60 years. Now, I've
finally found the answer.
On the first day,
God created the dog and said,
"Sit all day by the door of your
house and bark at anyone who
comes in or walks past. For this,
I will give you a life span of
twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time
to be barking. How about only
ten years and I'll give you back
the other ten?"
So God agreed......
On the second day, God created
the monkey and said,
"Entertain people, do tricks, and
make them laugh. For this, I'll
give you a twenty-year life
span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks
for twenty years? That's a pretty
long time to perform. How
about I give you back ten like
the dog did?"
And God agreed......
On the third day, God created
the cow and said,
"You must go into the field with
the farmer all day long and
suffer under the sun, have
calves and give milk to support
the farmer's family. For this, I
will give you a life span of sixty
years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a
tough life you want me to live
for sixty years. How about
twenty and I'll give back the
other forty?"
And God agreed again......
On the fourth day, God created
humans and said,
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and
enjoy your life. For this, I'll give
you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only
twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my
twenty,
the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back;
that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for
it."
So that is why for our first
twenty years, we eat, sleep, play
and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we
slave in the sun to support our
family.
For the next ten years, we do
monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit
on the front porch and bark at
everyone.
Life has now been explained to
you.
There is no need to thank me for
this valuable information. I'm
doing it as a public service.
Read more ...
Proverbs 17:22
There was an old lady who
would come out every
morning on the steps of her
front porch, raise
her arms to the sky, and shout,
"Praise the Lord!"
Well, one day, an atheist moved
into the house
next door. Over time, he became
irritated at
the old lady. So, every morning
he would step
out onto his front porch and yell
after her,
"There is no Lord!"
Time passed with the two of
them carrying on
this way every day. Then one
morning in the middle
of the winter, the little old lady
stepped onto
her front porch and shouted,
"Praise the Lord!
Lord, I have no food and I am
starving. Please
provide food for me, oh Lord!"
The next morning, she stepped
onto her porch
and there were two huge bags
of groceries sitting
there. "Praise the Lord!" she
cried out. "He
has provided groceries for me!"
The atheist jumped out of the
hedges and shouted.
"There is no Lord. I bought the
groceries!"
The little old lady threw her
arms into the
air and shouted, "Praise the
Lord! He has provided
me with groceries and He made
the devil pay for
them!"
A merry heart doeth good like a
medicine...
Proverbs 17:22 (KJV)
Read more ...

Friday, January 13, 2012

HOW TO MAKE A GIRL HAPPY

How to Make a girl Happy?
It's not at all difficult.
U only need to be

1. A friend

2. Companion

3. Lover

4. Chef

5. Electrician

6. Carpenter

7. Mechanic

8. Decorator

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

312. Good listener

313. Organizer

314. Good boyfriend

315. Very clean

316. Sympathetic

317. Athletic

318. Warm

.

.

.

1054. Courageous

1055. Determined

1056. True

1057. Intelligent

.

.

.

10014. Pest exterminator

10015. Psychiatrist

10016. Healer

.

.

.

.

.

3110010. Stylist

.

.

.

.

Do this & they'll surely think
about giving a smile...:) :)
Read more ...

Thursday, January 12, 2012

WISE MALLAM

Mallam lukman lost his Cheque
Book. So he went to the Bank to
request for another one.
Bank Manager: you have to be
careful Mallam, anyone can forge
your signature.
Mallam: Do you think I'm a fool? I
have already signed all the
cheques before I misplaced it, so
no body will have space to forge
my signature.
Read more ...

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

THE SAME OLD STORY

An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth. He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said:

"May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college".

A young man opened the door
and let him in. The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.
He said, "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed.".
When examining it he found a young girl hiding under the bed. The young man got alarmed and said, "Don't mistake me. She is my sister. She dropped her ear ring and is searching for it".

The old man said, "And the same old story!".
Read more ...

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

NO, I GIVE UP

A big city California lawyer went
duck hunting
in rural New South Wales. He
shot and dropped
a bird, but it fell into a farmer's
paddock on
the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the
fence, an elderly
farmer drove up on his tractor
and asked him
what he was doing. The litigator
responded, "I
shot a duck and it fell in this
field, and now
I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is
my property,
and you are not coming over
here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am
one of the
best trial attorneys in the States
and, if you
don't let me get that duck, I'll
sue you and
take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Apparently,
you don't know how we do
things up here in the
Northern Rivers. We settle small
disagreements
like this with the Dorrigo Three
Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the
Dorrigo Three
Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I
kick you
three times and then you kick
me three times,
and so on, back and forth, until
someone gives
up."
The attorney quickly thought
about the proposed
contest and decided that he
could easily take
the old codger. He agreed to
abide by the local
custom. The old farmer slowly
climbed down from
the tractor and walked up to the
city feller.
His first kick planted the toe of
his heavy
work boot into the lawyer's
groin and dropped
him to his knees. His second kick
nearly ripped
the man's nose off his face. The
barrister was
flat on his belly then the
farmer's third kick
to a kidney nearly caused him to
give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit
of his will and
managed to get to his feet and
said, "Okay, you
old coot - now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Nah, I give
up. You can have the duck."
Read more ...

Monday, January 9, 2012

THOSE ARE FOR THE FUNERAL

There was an elderly man at
home, upstairs, dying in bed. He
smelled the aroma of his favorite
chocolate chip cookies baking. He
wanted one last cookie before he
died. He fell out of bed, crawled
to the landing, rolled down the
stairs and crawled into the
kitchen where his wife was
busily baking cookies. With his
last remaining strength he
crawled to the table and was just
barely able to lift his withered
arm to the cookie sheet. As he
grasped a warm, moist chocolate
chip cookie, his favorite kind, his
wife suddenly whacked his hand
with a spatula. Gasping for
breath, he asked her, "Why did
you do that?"
She answered, "Those are for the
funeral."
Read more ...

Sunday, January 8, 2012

ALWAYS BE NICE TO YOUR NURSE

When you're hospitalized, it
pays to be nice
to your nurse, even when you're
feeling miserable.


A very rich and arrogant businessman learned this moral
the hard way


This business man was ill and was given a long term admission into an hospital. He kept commanding and
ordering his nurses around and shouting on them as if
they were his
employees. They all angrily ignored him, but the head nurse
stood up to him.
One morning she entered his
room and announced,
"I have to take your
temperature." After complaining
for several minutes, the angry business man finally
settled down,
crossed his arms and opened his
mouth.
"No, I'm
sorry, the nurse stated, "but for
this reading,
I can't use an oral
thermometer." This started
another round of complaining,
but eventually
the rolled over and pulled his trouser leaving
his bottom bared and naked. After feeling,
the nurse insert the
Instrument into his buttocks, he heard her
announce, "I have to get
something. Now you stay
just like that until I get back!"
She left the door to his room
open on her way
out, and he cursed under his
breath as he heard
people walking past his door
laughing. After
almost an hour, the man's
doctor came into the
room. "What's going on here?"
asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered,
"What's the matter,
Doc? Haven't you ever seen
someone having their
temperature taken?" "Yes," said
the doctor. "But
never with a pen the buttocks."

Moral lesson: Always Be Nice To Your Nurse !!
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Saturday, January 7, 2012

WHO IS FOOLISH?

Two men were arguing about their
sons. The first man said his
son was more foolish while
the second disagreed so
they decided to prove it.
The first
man called his son
and told him to go to the market and
buy a box of matches and the
boy left without asking for money
then the father said
to the second man, "you see how foolish he
is, he didn't ask for money"
The second
man
replied, "is that what you call
foolishness? Wait and see". Then he
called his own son and told
him to go to their house and check
if he was around.
The boy ran away and came back and
said,
'papa, you're not
around o, my mother said you're at your friend's place.
Read more ...

Friday, January 6, 2012

THE AUTOMATIC CAR

Julius Malema recently bought a new automatic car. He drives the car perfectly well during the day but at night the car just won't move. He had tried everything for a week and still no luck he then furiously calls the dealership and they send out a tech. The tech asks are you sure you using the right gears? He says of course I am, im not stupit I use D for “day” and N for ‘night', !
Read more ...

Thursday, January 5, 2012

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

Guy meets a girl in a bar and
after talking for a few minutes
he asks her name. She replies
Carmen, and he says that's one
of his favorite names. He asks if
her mother named her and she
says that she actually changed
her name to Carmen. When he
asked why, she replied because
she likes cars and men. She then
asked his name, to which he
replied, "Beerfuck."
Read more ...

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

RE CHECKING MY ANSWERS

A blonde reported for her University final year examination which all consists of "yes/no" type questions. When she finally took her seat in the exam hall, she stared at the question paper for close to five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Before half twenty minutes, she was through, whereas the rest of the class are still sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The exam moderator who was very much alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on... She replied, "I finished the exam in half and hour. But, I am rechecking my answers!!"
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Tuesday, January 3, 2012

THE DAM FISH

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish... He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale." A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish." The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish... His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said,"Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that." The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone wassitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish... His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fu*king potatoes!"
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Monday, January 2, 2012

THE WATCH

Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed the brand new shiney watch Jimmy was wearing. "Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked. "Nope," Jimmy replied. "Well did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked. "Nope." "You didn't steal it did you?" "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mum and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were on the job. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me." Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents room until he heard the unmistakeable noises of lovemaking. Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily; "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied. "Well stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his father returning to the job in hand.
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Sunday, January 1, 2012

PAY BEFORE SERVICE

A man wanted to surprise his wife on their 10th wedding anniversary,he went to the bar with his wife. When he left for the counter to order drinks for them,a prostitute approached his wife & whispered: You must DEMAND cash before sex, i know him, he doesn't pay.
Read more ...