Tuesday, May 29, 2012

MY WIFE DID

A man with a gun goes into a
bank and demands their money.
Once he is given the money, he
turns to a customer and asks,
"Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber then shot him in the
temper, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple
standing next to him and asked
the man,
"Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't,
but my wife did!"

Moral - When Opportunity
knocks... MAKE USE OF IT!
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Sunday, May 27, 2012

THE STRAY DOG

Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog." Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
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Tuesday, May 22, 2012

WHAT'S THE PENALTY?

The head priest at a certain
church was out for the day, so
he asked the deacon to do
confession for him. The deacon
agrees, and the first person that
comes says, "Forgive me, for I
just gave a guy a blow job." He
says, "You have sinned."
Then he looks at the sheet on
the wall that had punishments
for certain sins on it, but blow
job was not on there, so he
went out to ask one of the altar
boys what he usually gives for a
blow job. The altar boy
answered, "Oh, about five
dollars."
Read more ...

Saturday, May 19, 2012

PASTORAL CANDIDATES EVALUATION

The following is a confidential
report on several candidates
being considered for a
pastorate.
Adam:
Good man but problems
with his wife. Also one
reference told of how his
wife and he enjoy walking
nude in the woods.
Noah:
Former pastorate of 120
years with not even one
convert. Prone to unrealistic
building projects.
Abraham:
Though the references
reported wife-swapping, the
facts seem to show he never
slept with another man's
wife, but did offer to share
his own wife with another
man.
Joseph:
A big thinker, but a braggart,
believes in dream-
interpreting, and has a
prison record.
Moses:
A modest and meek man,
but poor communicator,
even stuttering at times.
Sometimes blows his stack
and acts rashly. Some say he
left an earlier church over a
murder charge.
David:
The most promising leader
of all until we discovered the
affair he had with his
neighbor's wife.
Solomon:
Great preacher but our
parsonage would never hold
all those wives.
Elijah:
Prone to depression.
Collapses under pressure.
Elisha:
Reported to have lived with
a single widow while at his
former church.
Hosea:
A tender and loving pastor
but our people could never
handle his wife's occupation.
Deborah:
Strong leader and seems to
be anointed, but she is
female.
Jeremiah:
Emotionally unstable,
alarmist, negative, always
lamenting things, reported
to have taken a long trip to
bury his underwear on the
bank of a foreign river.
Isaiah:
On the fringe? Claims to have
seen angels in church. Has
trouble with his language.
Jonah:
Refused God's call into
ministry until he was forced
to obey by getting
swallowed up by a great
fish. He told us the fish later
spit him out on the shore
near here. We hung up.
Amos:
Too backward and
unpolished. With some
seminary training he might
have promise, but has a
hang-up against wealthy
people--might fit in better in
a poor congregation.
Melchizedek:
Great credentials at current
work place, but where does
this guy come from? No
information on his resume
about former work records.
Every line about parents was
left blank and he refused to
supply a birth date. (This
aside from Les: Ancient
Jewish tradition has it that
Melchizedek is really Shem. If
you check out the lifespan of
Shem in the Bible, it seems
to be true!)
John:
Says he is a Baptist, but
definitely doesn't dress like
one. Has slept in the
outdoors for months on end,
has a weird diet, and
provokes denominational
leaders.
Peter:
Too blue collar. Has a bad
temper-even has been
known to curse. Had a big
run-in with Paul in Antioch.
Aggressive, but a loose
cannon.
Paul:
Powerful CEO type leader
and fascinating preacher.
However, short on tact,
unforgiving with younger
ministers, harsh and has
been known to preach all
night.
James & John:
Package deal preacher &
associate seemed good at
first, but found out they
have an ego problem
regarding other fellow
workers and seating
positions. Threatened an
entire town after an insult.
Also known to try to
discourage workers who
didn't follow along with
them.
Timothy:
Too young!
Methuselah:
Too old . . . WAY too old!
Jesus:
Has had popular times, but
once his church grew to
5000 he managed to offend
them all, and then this
church dwindled down to
twelve people. Seldom stays
in one place very long. And,
of course, he's single.
Judas:
His references are solid. A
steady plodder.
Conservative. Good
connections. Knows how to
handle money. We're inviting
him to preach this Sunday.
Possibilities here.

All credit to Jim Huggins
Read more ...

Monday, May 14, 2012

CHARGED TO COURT FOR LAUGHING

A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more. She filed a court case on him.

In the court the man's defence was:-

When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.
She sat under an advertisement,which read"Coming Soon- The unknown boon"..

I was even more amused when she then sat under a shaving advertisement, which
read:-"William' s stick did the trick"..

Then I could not control myself any longer, when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which

read:-"Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident"..

The case was dismissed.

The judge fell off his chair laughing ! =)) :D
Read more ...

Sunday, May 13, 2012

THE LIFE OF AKPAN

The Life of AKPAN


How do you recognize Akpan in school?
He is the one who erases the notes from his book when the teacher cleans the board.


In a conversation

AKPAN : I am proud because my son is in Medical College
Friend: Really? What is he studying?
AKPAN: No, he is not studying, they are studying him.


AKPAN: People consider me as a “GOD”
Wife: How do you know?
AKPAN: When I went to the park today, everybody said, oh GOD, you have come again.



AKPAN: Why are all these people running?
Man: This is a race; the winner will get the cup.
AKPAN: If only the winner will get the Cup, why are the others running?
Read more ...

Saturday, May 12, 2012

COMMITTING SUICIDE

A man who was fed up with life decided to end his life. He took a rope and went to the farm to hang himself. Upon reaching a tree, he tied the rope around the tree and hanged the loop around his ankle and suspended himself so his face was pointing to the ground and his leg, in the air.

A passer-by saw this scene and was curious and this is what ensued between them;

PASSER-BY: What are you doing?

MAN; Can't you see? I want to end my life because I'm fed up with it.?

PASSER-BY; Then why don't you hang the rope around your neck?

MAN; Hell no! I tried that yesterday and i nearly died!
Read more ...

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

TELL ME MY NAME

A young college student had
stayed up all night studying for
his zoology test the next day. As
he entered the classroom, he
saw ten stands with ten birds
on them. Each bird had a sack
over its head; only the legs were
showing. He sat straight in the
front row because he wanted to
do the best job possible. The
professor announced that the
test would be to look at each of
the birds' legs and give the
common name, habitat, genus
and species.
The student looked at each of
the birds' legs. They all looked
the same to him. He began to
get upset. He had stayed up all
night studying and now had to
identify birds by their legs. The
more he thought about it the
madder he got.
Finally he could stand it no
longer. He went up to the
professor's desk and said, "What
a stupid test! How could anyone
tell the difference between birds
by looking at their legs?" With
that the student threw his test
on the professor's desk and
walked to the door.
The professor was surprised.
The class was so big that he
didn't know every student's
name so as the student reached
the door the professor called,
"Mister, what's your name?"
The enraged student pulled up
his pant legs and said, "You tell
me buddy! You tell me!"
Read more ...

Saturday, May 5, 2012

THE BUSINESS TRIP

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
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Thursday, May 3, 2012

FIVE IMPORTANT LESSONS IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness
but it's more comfortable to cry
in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy but
remember the bastard's name.
3. Help someone when they are
in trouble and they will
remember you when they're in
trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only
because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any
problems, but then again, neither
does milk
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Wednesday, May 2, 2012

HIJACK JOKE

A guy in plane stood up n shouted

“HIJACK!”

All passengers got scared and raised Hands

.

.

from other end Of the plane a guy shouted back

.

.

.

“Hi JOHN” :-D
Read more ...