Saturday, May 19, 2012

PASTORAL CANDIDATES EVALUATION

The following is a confidential
report on several candidates
being considered for a
pastorate.
Adam:
Good man but problems
with his wife. Also one
reference told of how his
wife and he enjoy walking
nude in the woods.
Noah:
Former pastorate of 120
years with not even one
convert. Prone to unrealistic
building projects.
Abraham:
Though the references
reported wife-swapping, the
facts seem to show he never
slept with another man's
wife, but did offer to share
his own wife with another
man.
Joseph:
A big thinker, but a braggart,
believes in dream-
interpreting, and has a
prison record.
Moses:
A modest and meek man,
but poor communicator,
even stuttering at times.
Sometimes blows his stack
and acts rashly. Some say he
left an earlier church over a
murder charge.
David:
The most promising leader
of all until we discovered the
affair he had with his
neighbor's wife.
Solomon:
Great preacher but our
parsonage would never hold
all those wives.
Elijah:
Prone to depression.
Collapses under pressure.
Elisha:
Reported to have lived with
a single widow while at his
former church.
Hosea:
A tender and loving pastor
but our people could never
handle his wife's occupation.
Deborah:
Strong leader and seems to
be anointed, but she is
female.
Jeremiah:
Emotionally unstable,
alarmist, negative, always
lamenting things, reported
to have taken a long trip to
bury his underwear on the
bank of a foreign river.
Isaiah:
On the fringe? Claims to have
seen angels in church. Has
trouble with his language.
Jonah:
Refused God's call into
ministry until he was forced
to obey by getting
swallowed up by a great
fish. He told us the fish later
spit him out on the shore
near here. We hung up.
Amos:
Too backward and
unpolished. With some
seminary training he might
have promise, but has a
hang-up against wealthy
people--might fit in better in
a poor congregation.
Melchizedek:
Great credentials at current
work place, but where does
this guy come from? No
information on his resume
about former work records.
Every line about parents was
left blank and he refused to
supply a birth date. (This
aside from Les: Ancient
Jewish tradition has it that
Melchizedek is really Shem. If
you check out the lifespan of
Shem in the Bible, it seems
to be true!)
John:
Says he is a Baptist, but
definitely doesn't dress like
one. Has slept in the
outdoors for months on end,
has a weird diet, and
provokes denominational
leaders.
Peter:
Too blue collar. Has a bad
temper-even has been
known to curse. Had a big
run-in with Paul in Antioch.
Aggressive, but a loose
cannon.
Paul:
Powerful CEO type leader
and fascinating preacher.
However, short on tact,
unforgiving with younger
ministers, harsh and has
been known to preach all
night.
James & John:
Package deal preacher &
associate seemed good at
first, but found out they
have an ego problem
regarding other fellow
workers and seating
positions. Threatened an
entire town after an insult.
Also known to try to
discourage workers who
didn't follow along with
them.
Timothy:
Too young!
Methuselah:
Too old . . . WAY too old!
Jesus:
Has had popular times, but
once his church grew to
5000 he managed to offend
them all, and then this
church dwindled down to
twelve people. Seldom stays
in one place very long. And,
of course, he's single.
Judas:
His references are solid. A
steady plodder.
Conservative. Good
connections. Knows how to
handle money. We're inviting
him to preach this Sunday.
Possibilities here.

All credit to Jim Huggins
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