ENGLISH LANGUAGE, ONE OF THE HARDEST LANGUAGE

English has to be one of the hardest languages to understand. Read the paragraph below and try to understand
the meaning.

Two individuals proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a
sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; Subsequently the second member of the team performed a self rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.(O_o)

In plain English what does this translate to?

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after!

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WE COULD HAVE BEEN HERE

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area." "Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

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APRIL FOOL

Congratulations!
you've been
successfully fooled!
Wishing you a happy

APRIL FOOL's day.


Wanna fool your friends too? Share this link on your wall to do that, and you'll be glad you did.

You can JOIN US ON FACEBOOK to get more jokes and catch more fun.

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WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE WHO DON'T SMOKE, DRINK OR GAMBLE

Beggar : Give me food

Man : I'll take you to a bar

Beggar : I don't drink, Give me food.

Man : I'll give you cigarettes.

Beggar : I don't smoke, Give me food

Man : I'll take you to the race

Beggar : I don't gamble, give me food

Man : I'll get you a sugar girl

Beggar : I only sleep with my wife, give me food

Man : I'll give you food but first, You have to come to my house

Begger : Why?

Man : I want my wife to see what happens to PEOPLE WHO SLEEP ONLY WITH THEIR WIVES AND DONT DRINK, SMOKE OR GAMBLE.

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CAN YOU GIVE ME A PUSH?

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat- a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

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YOUR ROLE MODEL

Hi Guys, No cheating - just do the calculations and scroll down to the answers when done. FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL.. DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET, DO THE SIMPLE MATHS BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO. It's CRAZY how accurate this is! No peeking!

1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9 ...

2) Multiply by 3

3) Add 3

4) Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator....)

5) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....

6) Add the digits together

Now Scroll down .............. With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:










1. Einstein

2. Oprah Winfrey

3. Snoopy

4. Bill Clinton

5. Bill Gates

6. Gandhi

7. Ronald Reagan

8. David Beckham

9. Admin It is A JOKE ayz

10. John F. Kennedy


I know, I know.... I just have that effect on people. I always knew I would make a difference in the world.., I'm glad I have... P.S. Stop picking different numbers!! I AM YOUR Favorite, JUST DEAL WITH IT!! ha ha ha........ NOW COPY AND PUT YOUR NAME IN NO. 9 AND SEND IT ON TO YOUR FRIENDS FOR A GOOD LAUGH!! "you never get a second chance to make a first impression"

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MENTAL CASE, it's been like that for years.

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything." The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

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THE WISHES

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." *Poof!* God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ..and the tools to cross this river." *Poof!* God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...And the intelligence... To cross this river." And *Poof!* God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

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THE CONTRACT

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from Nigeria, another from Germany, and the third from France. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it & give me a bid?" So, to the back fence they all went to check it out. First to step up was the German contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Next was the French contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Without so much as moving, the Nigerian contractor said, "$2,700." The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy," he said. "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from France."

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WHO SAID...?

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said ' Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave." Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these foolish people would keep their dirty mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "It's me, CAN I GO NOW?"

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DIFFERENCES BETWEEN PRISON AND WORK PLACE

WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT THE
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN WORK
AND PRISON... Maybe prison isn't so bad...

IN PRISON You spend the
majority of your time in an
8x10 cell.
AT WORK You spend most of
your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON You get three
meals a day.
AT WORK You get a break for
1 meal and you have to pay
for it.

IN PRISON You get time off
for good behavior.
AT WORK You get rewarded
for good behavior with more
work.

IN PRISON A guard locks and
unlocks all the doors for
you.
AT WORK You must carry
around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON You can watch TV
and play games.
AT WORK You get fired for
watching TV and playing
games.

IN PRISON You get your own
toilet.
AT WORK You have to share.

IN PRISON They allow your
family and friends to visit.
AT WORK You cannot even
speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON All expenses are
paid by taxpayers, with no work required by you.
AT WORK You get to pay all
the expenses to go to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON You spend most
of your life looking through
bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK You spend most of
your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON There are wardens
who are often sadistic.
AT WORK They are called
supervisors.

IN PRISON You have
unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK You get fired if you
get caught.

NOW GET BACK TO WORK!

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THE MISTAKE

Wife :dear, we shall kill one of
the goats to celebrate our
10th year marriage anniversary.

Husband:no!

Wife: why?

Husband: how do you expect me
to kill the innocent goat for a
mistake I made 10years ago?

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I GOT A JOKE FOR YOU

Tell me something," asked
Jon , "how many cookies can
you eat on an empty
stomach, Little Johnny?"
Little Johnny scratched his
head and said, "Well, five, I
think."
"Wrong," said Jon. "You can
only eat just one. After that,
your stomach isn't empty
any more! Gotcha!"
Little Johnny was impressed
so he decided to pull the
joke on his sister, Judi, when
he got home.
"Hey, Sis, how many cookies
can you eat on an empty
stomach?"
Judi thought for a minute or
two (it takes awhile to get
those two brain cells to fire
together) and said, "Two."
Little Johnny was dejected.
"Aw, if you'd said *five* I
had a great joke for you!"

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FAMILY MATTER

A black guy and a white guy
were sitting in the park, the
white man had a pet monkey
and the black man is selling
bananas, the black man said
'Mr. Can u look after my
bananas, i'm goin to the
toilet"," Yeah sure, go
ahead" said the white man.
When the black man came he
found his bananas gone and
asked "where are my
bananas" the white man
pointed to the monkey and
said "ask ur brother" :O, the
black man chilled and sat
down. Few minutes later the
white man ask"can u watch
my monkey I'm going to the
toilet" ,"oh yeah sure!" said
the black man. When the
white man came back he
found his monkey dead and
exclaim "what happened
here?" the black replied "
don't get involved pls >:/ ,
it's a family matter"

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DESPERATE TO GET A JOB

An illiterate was searching
for a job and finally, he came
to a big company to make
enquiries in respect of the
advertisement which was
being placed outside. The
man being so eager didn’t
read the advertisement
properly. He just dashed into
the company and began to
ask for the MD. Little did he
know that a job of such
magnitude requires someone
who has been to different
parts of the world. On
getting there, the MD
decided to have a little
interview with him.
MD: Hello young man, what
can I do for you?
Man: Good morning sir, I
came concerning the
advertisement placed
outside your company.
MD: I see. I hope you know
that this job requires
someone who’s been to
various parts of the world?
Man: Yes sir, I know that.
MD: Good. So tell me, have
you been to Germany? Man:
Yes sir, I lived there for 7
years.
MD: Wow that’s good. How
about the UK, have you been
there before?
Man: Yes Sir, I also lived
there for 5 years.
MD: Interesting, how about
the United States?
Man: I’ve been there also
Sir, and Ilived there for 6
years.
MD: Hmmm. Then you must
know much about
geography.
Man: Yes sir I’ve also been
to geography before, and I
lived there for 6 years.

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THE DAY OFF

One day three monks were told by the minister that today was their day off, to do whatever they want, and at the end of the day, God would forgive them of their sins. The monks thought this sounded like a good idea so they went off into the city. At the end of the day the three monks returned to the church and the minister greeted them. The first monk came up, and the minister asked, "What did you do today". The monk replied "I robbed an off-license." "Good" the minister replied. "Go and drink from the holy water". The second monk came up and the minister asked the same question. "I vandalized a primary school" he answered. "Good" the minister replied. "Go and drink from the holy water". The third monk stepped up and the minister repeated "and what did you do today". "I pissed in the holy water"

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HOW LONG?

A guy stuck his head into a barber's shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2hours." The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour only." The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Ken, please do me a favor, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back". A little while later, Ken returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go whenever he leaves here?" Ken looked up, with tears in his eyes and said, "To your wife at home."

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WHERE I WAS OPERATED

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs." And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." All three put down the money excitedly. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

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RETURN EVERYTHING

GIRLFRIEND: I want to end
up our relationship, I am going to return to you everything you gave me..

BOYFRIEND: Hahahaha! What
a joke? Okay then, let's start with the kisses I gave you!


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WHAT MOTHER DOES FOR A LIVING

The teacher in Johnny's class
asked the class what their
mothers did for a living.
One little girl said her mother
was a doctor, another said her
mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny's
turn, he stood up and said "My
mom's a whore."
Naturally, after that remark, he
got sent off to the principal's
office. Then, 15 minutes later,
he returned. So the teacher
asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"
Johnny said "Yes"
"Well, what did the principal
say?"
"He said that every job is
important in our economy,
gave me an apple and asked for her phone number."

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FAMILY PROBLEMS

Two men, one American and
an Indian were sitting in a
bar drinking shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the
American, "You know my
parents are forcing me to
get married to this so called
homely girl from a village
whom I haven't even met
once."
We call this arranged
marriage.
... I don't want to marry a
woman whom I don't love... I
told them that openly
and now have a hell lot of
family problems."
The American said, talking
about love marriages... well…
I'll tell you my story.
I married a widow whom I
deeply loved and dated for 3
years.
"After a couple of years, my
father fell in love with my
step-daughter and so my
father became my son-in-law
and I became my father's
father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is
my mother and my wife my
grandmother.
More problems occurred
when I had a son. My son is
my father's brother and
so he is my uncle.
Situations turned worse
when my father had a son.
Now my father's son i.e. my
brother is my grandson.
Ultimately, I have become my
own grand father and I am
my own grandson…..
And you are saying that you
have family
problems……..Oh.. Come
on…..!!!!!!

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THREE WISHES

A fairy saw a lion chasing a
rabbit in the forest.
She asked both to stop,"I
will grant you both 3 wishes."
1st wish
Lion - all the lion in this forest,
except me, be female.
Rabbit wished for a helmet.

The Lion thought the rabbit was stupid and wasting his wish.

2nd wish
lion- I wish all the lion in next
forest be female.
The Rabbit asked for a bike.

The Lion was shocked again.

3rd wish
lion- all the lion in world be
female except me.

The rabbit grinned, started
his bike n said,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Make this lion GAY

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YOU NEED TO FOCUS

Teacher: John, who is the
President of Iraq?
John: I don't know.
Teacher: You need to focus
more on your studies.
John: Yes Ma.
Then John to the Teacher:
John: Madam, do you know
Rita?
Teacher: No I don't.
John: Ma, I think you need to
focus more on your
husband!!....

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APPLICATION LETTER

This is an actual job application
a 17 year old boy submitted at
a McDonald's fast-food
establishment in Florida... and
they hired him because he was
so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for
the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's
President or Vice President. But
seriously, whatever's available.
If I was in a position to be
picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a
year plus stock options and a
Michael Ovitz style severance
package. If that's not possible,
make an offer and we can
haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for
middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of
stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30
p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and
Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL
SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better
suited to a more intimate
environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR
CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had
one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL
CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the
more appropriate question
here would be "Do you have a
car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL
AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I
may already be a winner of the
Publishers Clearing house
Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no,
on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE
DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in
the Bahamas with a fabulously
wealthy dumb beautiful blonde
super model who thinks I'm
the greatest thing since sliced
bread. Actually, I'd like to be
doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE
ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE
TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

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