Friday, September 30, 2011

WHAT WILL YOU TAKE OFF...?

A bank manager who was confused with his calculation,asked his secretary to help him out...I have $23,000,000 what will you take off to get 25% and she replied "Sir, honestly, I will take off my blouse, my skirt,my br@ even my p@nts....
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Thursday, September 29, 2011

WE CAN'T HEAR YOU

On a lady's wedding day,the pastor asked the usual question: "Anyone who feels this couple shouldn't be joined in holy matrimony should speak or forever remain silent!!!". A young man raised his HAND from behind. Seeing him, the bride FAINTED. After much effort, the bride was revived. After she was revived, the pastor asked the man, "WHY did u raise ur hand?" The man replied...I just want to inform that we can't hear you clearly at the back here.
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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

NO WEAPON

A baby boy was born yesterday at Queens Hospital laughing instead of crying,.. the more the mid-wifes beat him the more he laughs like crazy. Suddenly the doctor noticed he had something in his hand, so he pulled the tiny hand open and discovers he was holding three abortion pills.....The baby looked at his mother and said "NO WEAPON FASHIONED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER.
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Tuesday, September 27, 2011

THE VICTIM'S SON

A crowd gathered at an accident scene and a smart and nosey journalist wanted to get the story first hand. "Make way, I am d victim's son" he shouted. Slowly, the crowd paved way for him. On getting there, lying lifeless, in front of the car was a goat!
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Monday, September 26, 2011

I DISGRACED HIS FAMILY

A young girl was going on her first date. Her grandma said, "sit down and let me tell you about young boys of nowadays. He will to try to kiss you, you'll like it but don't let him do that. He will try to touch your breast, you'll like it but don't let him do that. Most importantly, he will try to get ontop of you to have his way with you, you'll like it but don't let him do that, it will disgrace our family....."

Wit that bit of advice, the girl went on her date. The next day,she told her grandma that her date went just like she predicted. The girl said, "grandma, I didnt let him disgrace this family. When he tried, i just turned, got ontop of him and disgraced his family!!!"
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Sunday, September 25, 2011

CAN YOU IMAGINE?

Can you imagine what people do these days?
I was in a church on sunday when a guy beside me lighted up a cigarette, I was so shocked that I had to drop my bottle my beer.
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Saturday, September 24, 2011

800 DOLLARS

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands nak£d in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owe me?'
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THE POLICEMAN AND THE PHONE

I was at Victoria Island, waiting to board a bus to mile 2. Not far away from the bus-stop, I saw a beautiful Madam standing by the side of her car with the Car Bonnet open - possibly engine trouble. She was looking impatiently at her wrist watch, meaning, possibly she's on an appointment. The moment she saw her driver with the mechanic, she decided to join us where we were rushing to board a bus. Funny enough, she boarded the same bus I was getting on. After much struggle to have a seat, we were all settled and alas, this beautiful madam raised an alarm that somebody had taken her mobile phone. We all said possibly the phone fell while we were rushing to get a place in the bus. This commotion went on for almost 5 minutes. A Policeman, who happened to be on board the bus, now asked her how she had lost the hand set. The madam said she saw it on the floor of the bus and that she was only struggling to get a seat before she would pick if from the floor of the bus. I personally said that it might have possibly dropped before she got into the bus, possibly in her car. The Policeman's role in the mess was a great one as he participated actively. He seemed to want to sort out this issue. He finally said everybody on the bus would be stopping at the station - Police Post for interrogation. No problem. We all agreed. Fortunately, there was another man with a mobile phone with him in the bus. He asked the Madam to give him the mobile number for him to call. He said if it's still in the car, the driver or the mechanic will recieve and comfirm it. But if dropped on the floor, anybody that picks it will make an arrangement on how to collect it. We all supported his idea. The man dialled the number and good enough the connection was fast. gran gran gran! gran gran gran!! gran gran gran!!! The ringing seemed to be coming from inside the bus. Perplexed, we asked the man to disconnect and dial again, possibly the call entered at the same time with his. Again.....gran gran gran! gran gran gran!! gran gran gran!!! The ringing was coming from the bus again! The Bus Driver now stopped. We all came of the the bus, one at a time....guess where the ring was coming from??? Inside the Policeman's pocket! Ubbelievable! The Police man stole it: No, he helped her to keep it; No; he was trying to help her keep it. Guess what the Police man said? I only wanted to know the true owner of the hand set!
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Friday, September 23, 2011

AIDS INJECTION

There was a man living in Victoria Island, Lagos. A thief came to his house one night and threatened to inject him with blood containing the HIV virus if he didn't drop all the money he collected from the bank the day before.
The man: Are you going to leave me with the money if I allow you to inject me with the HIV virus?
The Thief: I will not collect the money and I will leave you. On hearing this, he told the thief to give him 5 minutes and he went to the toilet. When he came back from the toilet, he asked the thief to inject him with the HIV virus. The thief injected him with the HIV virus and left immediately. Immediately the thief left, the wife became hysterical
The Wife: What the hell did you just do?
The Man: Don't mind the stupid thief, he doesn't know that I put on a condom the other time I went to the toilet.
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Thursday, September 22, 2011

THAT'S INTELLIGENCE

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. After a long period of stressful work, one said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him." So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, intelligence'?" The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!" The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
....you can guess the rest of the story
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Wednesday, September 21, 2011

MR. FASH'S FAMILY

Mr and Mrs Fash have two children, a boy and a girl and they tried to instill good moral characters in them. One day their son peter, who is five, came home from school and asked a question that left both parents stupefied.

Peter: Mommy, Daddy what is a penis?...... Both parents did not know what to say, but in order to please him the father answered. "You see that umbrella in the corner ?, that is what a penis is."

Peter: But, Daddy, that was not what James said it was in school.
Mr. Fash: Would James know more than I do ?
Peter: I guess not daddy.

Two days later, Peter came home and asked his parents another question......

Peter: Mommy, Daddy, what is a vagina? The parents were once again surprised that a five year old would come back home from school and ask such questions from them, so they answered like good christians......

Mr. Fash: Peter, you see that doll that your sister is playing with, that doll's name is vagina.... Peter once again accepted his parents answer.
About a week later, peter came back from school and asked another question.

Peter: Mommy, Daddy, what is fuck!ng? This time around the parents were really upset that the teachers at their children's school are not really teaching the children good morales, but in order to make him stop asking them the question over and over again, the mother replied him.

Mrs. Fash: Peter my son, you see when people sleep, we say they are fuck!ng.
Peter accepted his mother's answer thinking adults know all. But all the false answers the parents kept giving their son backfired one rainy day when their pastor came to visit.

Knock, Knock

Since the parents were in their room sleeping, and only Peter and his sister were in the living room, Peter answered the door. The pastor had his umbrella with him.

Peter: Good afternoon Pastor.
Pastor: Good afternoon my son.

Since the Pastor's umbrella was dripping water on the floor, Peter said... "Pastor I think you should go hang your penis at the corner over there."
The Pastor was flabbergasted, thinking what kind of Christian home this was, but he didn't say anything.

Pastor: Peter, where is your sister? Since his sister was in the Den playing with her doll, Peter replied.... "She's in the Den playing with her vagina!"

The Pastor was again surprised and getting uncomfortable since he knew that Mr. and Mrs. Fash were a God fearing couple and he asked for them to tell them his experience with their son, Peter.

Pastor: Peter, my boy, where are your parents?

Since both parents were in their room sleeping, Peter replied the Pastor as his parents had told him

Peter: Mommy and Daddy are in their room Fuck!ng! The Pastor left in such a hurry he forgot his umbrella behind!
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Tuesday, September 20, 2011

LET'S DRILL ANOTHER HOLE

Mayne and Willard, two idiots, w ere in a rowboat on a lake fishing. Suddenly the spray from a motorboat racing by flooded their boat. "How are we gonna get the water out?" asked Mayne. "Easy," said Willard. "We just bore a hole in the bottom of the boat and let the water drain out." The men drilled a hole in the bottom, and more water started rushing in. "Wait a minute!" exclaimed Mayne. "We need another hole so that the water coming in through the first one has a place to go b ack into the lake!"
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Monday, September 19, 2011

MY EXPERIENCE WITH MY MOTHER-IN LAW

A week before my wedding to Jane, a young beautiful girl, I was summoned by her equally beautiful Mother, my soon to be mother in- law. I was asked to come over to her house ASAP and I obliged by rushing over to her house. I arrived to find my soon to be new Mother in-Law scantily dressed and lying on the sofa asking me to come and sleep with her. After I informed her that I was uncomfortable with her request and that she must be forgetting that I was about to marry her only daughter, I was re- assured that I did not have to worry about all that. She assured me that my affair with her would be handled with the utmost secrecy and besides, I was reminded that she was every man's fantasy! After a brief pause, I bolted out the door like a "Bat Outta Hell" rushing towards my car where I found her Husband, my soon to be new Father In-Law, sitting on the bonnet of my car. Needless to say, I was stunned! He stood up, hugged me, applauded me and told me he was proud of me and now truly confident that his only daughter made the right choice in picking me as her intended husband. He told me that he put his wife up to testing me by inviting me over for an affair. Phew!!!, I sighed as I drove away thanking my stars that he stopped me before I got to my private stash of condoms that I was rushing for in the boot of my car!!!
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Sunday, September 18, 2011

JUST GIVE ME MY CHANGE

There were three men living together in London. An African- American, a West Indian and a Nigerian. They were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food. However upon coming close to a posh London restaurant in this classy neighborhood, they decided to come up with a plan. The Afro-American went in first. After being seated, he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal, the waiter came by with the bill. "LISTEN MY MAN, I ALREADY PAID YOU!" - the Afro- American shouted! The waiter was very confused because he could not remember being paid. But because he did not want to cause any trouble ... he let the brother leave. Five minutes later, the West Indian walked into the same restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for the food. "HEY, HEY, LOOK At ME CROSSES BUT I'VE PAID YOU ALREADY!" - the West Indian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down the West Indian, because he did not want anything to upset the other customers. He let the guy go. Ten minutes later, the Nigerian walked in. He sat down, lit a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu, plus two bottles of Guinness. After he finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal, but before the Nigerian could say anything, the waiter spoke to him. "Sir... I have been having all sorts of problems all day and I can't understand it. Two other people like you came in earlier and ate, and they say that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from then so..." Before he could finish, the Nigerian interrupted, rather emphatically, "I'M SORRY FOR YOU.... BUT THAT IS YOUR PROBLEM. I JUST WANT YOU TO GIVE ME MY CHANGE!"
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Friday, September 16, 2011

YOU'RE NEXT

Suspicious about her husband cheating her, the blonde quickly bought a gun. When the blonde got home, she found her husband with another woman. Upset, the blonde took the gun and pointed it towards her head. The husband beg her not to shoot herself. Them the blonde yelled, "Shut up, You're next!"
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Thursday, September 15, 2011

YOU'LL IMPREGNATE HER AGAIN

A young girl missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later an hummer jeep stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll sleep with her again!"
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Wednesday, September 14, 2011

WHAT IS COURTING?

Little Johnny was only seven years old,
and like other boys his age,
rather curious. He had been
hearing quite a bit about
courting from other boys and he
wondered what it was and how
it was done. One day he took his
questions to his mother, and
she became flustered. Instead of
explaining things to Johnny she
told him to hide behind the
curtain one night and watch his
older sister and her boyfriend.
This he did, and the following
morning Johnny described
everything to his mother.
Sis and her boyfriend sat and
talked for awhile, then he
turned off most of the lights.
Then he started to kiss and hug
her, I figured sis must be
getting sick because her face
started looking funny. He must
have thought so too because he
put his hand inside her blouse to
feel her heart, just like the
doctor would. Except he's not as
good as the doctor, because he
seemed to have trouble finding
her heart.
He was getting sick too, because
pretty soon both of them
started panting and getting all
out of breath. His other hand
must have been getting cold
because he put it under her
skirt. About this time, sis got
toward the end of the couch.
This was when the fever started.
I know it was a fever because sis
told him that she was really
HOT.
Finally, I found out what was
making them so sick.... a big eel
had gotten inside his pants
somehow. It just jumped out of
his pants and stood there about
9 inches long. HONEST! Anyway,
he grabbed it in one hand to
keep it from getting away.
When sis saw it she got really
scared. Her eyes got big and her
mouth fell open, and she started
calling out to God and stuff like
that. I should tell her about the
ones I saw at the lake!
"Anyway," sis got brave and
tried to kill the eel by biting its
head off. All of a sudden, she
made a noise and let the eel
go... I guess it bit her back. Then
she grabbed it with both hands
and held it tight while he took a
muzzle out of his pocket and
slipped it over the eel's head to
keep it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs
so she could get a scissor lock
on it. And he helped by laying on
top of the eel. The eel put up a
hell of a fight. Sis started
groaning and squealing and her
boyfriend almost upset the
couch. I guess they wanted to
kill the eel by squishing it
between them.
After a while they both quit
moving and gave a great sigh.
Her boyfriend sat up and sure
enough they had killed the eel...
I knew it was dead because it
just hung there limp and some
of its insides were hanging out.
Sis and her boyfriend were a
little tired from the battle, but
they went on courting anyway.
He started hugging and kissing
her again. And by golly, the eel
wasn't dead after all. It jumped
straight up and started to fight
again. I guess eels are like super mario....
they have nine lives or
something.
This time sis jumped up and
tried to kill the eel by sitting on
it. After about 35 minutes of
struggle, they finally killed the
eel. I know it was dead this time
because I saw sis's boyfriend
peel off the skin and flush it
down the toilet.
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Tuesday, September 13, 2011

DON'T WORRY, YOU CAN HAVE IT

A Scotsman and an Englishman once lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and every morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his gen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman’s garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman picking up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid in his compound. They argued for a long time until the Scotsman finally said, “In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg.” The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling and shouting in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, “Now it’s my turn to kick you.” The Scotsman smiled and said, “Don't worry, you can have the damn egg!!
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Monday, September 12, 2011

A BET WITH DADDY AND TEACHER

Little Johnny likes gambling a lot. One day his father gets a new job so his entire family has to move to a new city. Johnny's daddy thinks, "I've got to put a stop to Johnny's gambling" when his father got to register him in a new school he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes gambling a lot so you'll have to keep an eye on him." The teacher says "OK, I can handle it." The next day Johnny walks into the class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny." She says, "Yes, I know who you are." Johnny smiles and says, “I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt." The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet. She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole. That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why. So his dad calls the teacher and says, “Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost." The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem.” Johnny's dad laughs and says, “No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he would see your ass before the day was over."
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Sunday, September 11, 2011

FREE OF CHARGE

Very early one morning, the Director walked into the office and caught the Manager kissing his Secretary. In his annoyence he shouted "is this what I pay you to do?"
The Manager nervously answered "no Sir, I DO THIS FREE OF CHARGE!"
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Saturday, September 10, 2011

IT DEPENDS

One day, the teacher was reviewing counting with her first grade class. "Junior," she asked, "can you count your numbers from 1 to 10 without mistakes?" "yes," answered Junior and he counted 1 to 10.
"Now Johnny, can you count from 10 to 20?" "It depends," answered Johnny, "With or without mistakes?"
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Friday, September 9, 2011

THOSE WHO SEE BUT NEVER TALK

One sunday, a stubborn boy went to church. After everyone had given their offerings the pastor told the congregation to close their eyes while he blesses the offering but the stubborn boy was busy looking at the pastor. As the pastor was praying he took N2000 from the offering box, when he noticed that the boy was looking at him he said, "blessed are those who see but never talk" and the boy replied, "for they shall recieve their share after the service and the whole congregation responded "Amen!"
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Thursday, September 8, 2011

THE AIR FLIGHT

During an air travel a stranger was sitting next to Little Johnny in the plane when the the stranger turned to Little Johnny and said, "Let us talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." "Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"
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Wednesday, September 7, 2011

THE CRYING MAN

One day, a young guy was sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an- hour. Then, A big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a young man like you crying." "No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, in annoyance, fired me. When I left the office to go my car, I discovered it was stolen. I reported at the police station and they said they could do nothing. I got a taxi to go home, and after I paid the taxi driver and the taxi had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the car. I got home only to find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison"
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Tuesday, September 6, 2011

STRETCH MARKS

Nancy: honey, since we are engaged I think we should start calling each other pet names.
Mike; okay, so what do u wanna call me?
Nancy: Tiger!
Mike: Tiger? Why?
Nancy: because you're so cute and strong. so, what are you gonna call me?
Mike: Zebra !
Nancy: oh honey that's so sweet. Why?
Mike: because of your stretch marks.
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Monday, September 5, 2011

HALF DEAD

A man once finds a genie lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out of it and says "I may grant you 3 wishes, but your wife gets double of whatever you wish.
"The man wishes for a new car. The genie gives him a new car and the man's wife two new cars. The man then wishes for a new house. The genie gives him a new house and the man's wife two new houses. The man then says, "Finally, I wish to be beaten half-dead."
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Saturday, September 3, 2011

JUST RELAX

John was dying of an unknown illness. His wife sat at the bedside comforting him. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, and your best friend!" "I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work"
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MY SCHOOL DAYS ARE OVER!!!

One day Johnny's teacher was teaching when a boy in the class just started laughing. The teacher gets angry and asks the boy: "Why did u laugh?"
The boy answered, "I saw one strap of your bra"
The teacher gets angry and shouted at the boy, "STAY OUT OF THE CLASSROOM FOR A WEEK!!
After some minutes, another boy started to laugh. The teacher asked again, "why did you laugh?"
The boy answered, : I saw both straps of the bra you're wearing. The teacher gets even more angry and shouted louder "GET OUT, AND I MUST NOT SEE YOU IN MY CLASS FOR A MONTH!!!"
The teacher hisses and continues teaching. After some time, She bent down to pick up a piece of chalk, Little Johny started walking out of the classroom. The teacher shouted in anger, "Johny, why are you going out?!!! Little Johny replied her, "Judging from what I just saw, I think my school days are over for this term.
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Friday, September 2, 2011

I DIDN'T KNOW YOUR DAD WAS A PHARMACIST

One day, a young guy goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me a c¤nd¤m? I'm going to my girlfriend's home for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!" The pharmacist hands him the condom and as the young man was going out; he returns and says, "Give me another c¤nd¤m because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too." The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy was leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more
c¤nd¤m because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!
During dinner, the young man was sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and Thank you for all you give us." A minute later the boy was still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness...." Ten minutes passed and the boy was still praying, keeping his head down. The others looked at each other surprised and his girlfriend was even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says into his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious. "The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"
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