July 2011 | IT IS A J0KE

Sunday, July 31, 2011

PUT DOWN THE DAMN GUN

Nancy Patrick goes up to Father Samsom after Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got a very terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Nancy, that's really terrible! Tell me, Nancy, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "Yes, he did, Father..." The priest says,
"What did he ask, Nancy?"
She says, "He said, "Please, Nancy, put down that damn gun...""

Friday, July 29, 2011

A$$HOLE

A hunter who has three sons, was anxious to share his latest kill with his family for Sunday dinner. He did not want his sons to refuse tasting the delicious venison, so he sat the boys down to dinner without telling them what the meat was they were about to eat. "Oh come on Dad," said the oldest son. "What is this meat?" "Just taste it," said the father, "You will love it." The boys eyed each other nervously and put a piece of the meat on their forks. "Give us a little hint.", pleaded the second son. "Only if you take a bite.", said the father. As each boy took a cautious bite of the venison, the father continued, "Let me think, your mother calls me this from time to time." >The oldest boy shouted, "Spit it out boys, it's a$$hole"

Thursday, July 28, 2011

THE COUPLE'S WISHTHE COUPLE'S WISH

A married couple in their early 60's are visited by a fairy who grants both of them a wish. 'I want to travel around the world with my darling husband', says the wife ...instantly two tickets for a luxury cruise magically appears in her hand! The husband says 'sorry love, my wish is to have a wife who is 30 years younger than me ...' So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

PARACHUTE JUMPING

A blonde woman joins the Air Force. On the first day of training for parachute jumping, the blonde was listening to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet above the ground. The blonde woman asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"
"That's a good question," the instructor said, "When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
After pondering his answer, the blonde asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

THE CHRISTIAN BEAR

A preacher decided to skip services one Sunday to spend the day hiking in the wilderness. Rounding a sharp bend in the trail, he came across a bear and was sent tumbling down a steep grade. He landed on a rock and broke his two legs. With the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, the preacher prayed, "O Lord, I'm so sorry for skipping services today. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me!" At that very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to his knees, clasped his paws together, and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet: "Dear God, please bless this food I am about to eat."

Monday, July 25, 2011

DON'T STOP!

Daughter: What should I do if a boy hugs me?

Mother: Say Don't
Daughter: What if he ki$$£$ me?
Mother: Say stop!
The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and ki$$£s her very well at the same time so as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DON'T STOP!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

HOW THE HUMAN RACE APPEARED

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God created Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Friday, July 22, 2011

WHAT KIND OF TRACKS?

Three blondes were walking through a path when they came across a set of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks." The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks." The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, they are moose tracks." The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

THE ATHEIST AND THE PASTORS'S CONVERSATION

Atheist: "Do you really believe that Jonah spent 3 days and three nights in the belly of a big fish?"
Preacher: "I don't know, sir, but when I get to heaven, I'll ask him."
Atheist: "But what if he isn't in heaven?"
Preacher: "Then you ask him."

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

THE POPE'S DISEASE

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

NEW PUPPIES

Two blondes went to a pound where each of them adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?"
This led to several hours of concentration untill finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours." The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell which puppy is whose. The've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing."
"Ok, we need to find a better way to tell them apart, " says the second blonde.
After several more hours of concenteration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different coloured collars.
Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell which puppy is whose. They've pulled their collars off while they are playing."
"There's got to be some good way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take the white one!"

Monday, July 18, 2011

FUTURE TENSE

An English Language teacher was teaching his class about the tenses of verbs

Teacher: I killed a person , tell me this sentence
in future tense.

Student: You will go to jail.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

BLONDE SMARTNESS

This Proves Blondes Really Are Smart.

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from USA to CANADA. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

PASSWORD AUDIT

During a recent password audit, it was discovered that a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinnieDonaldGoofyPlutoHueyLouieDewey When she was asked why she chose such a long password, she said that the computer instructed that it has to be at least 8 characters long.

Friday, July 15, 2011

HOW MANY?

Teacher: If I give you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully.

If I give you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I give you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

Teacher: Where the f**k do you get seven from?!

Johnny: Because I have 1 rabbit at home!!!

OH MY GOD!!!

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, whenever he walks into a room, everyone calls him ' Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room, people call him ' Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room, everyone says ' Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room, people call him ' Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D br£ast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, " Oh My God!"

Thursday, July 14, 2011

GEORGE

A blonde guy goes to a football game and finds his place in the bleachers. After a while, someone far behind him yells, "Hey, George!" The blonde gets up and scans the crowd behind him. Not seeing anyone he recognizes, he sits down. Some time later, someone yells again, "Hey, George!" The blonde gets up again and looks around. Seeing no one he knows, he sits down. A third time someone yells, "Hey, George!" Finally, the blonde gets up, turns around and yells back, "Knock it off! My name's not George."

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

PLANTING SEEDS

One day, an old farmer was driving home from his annual trip to the city when he saw a group of blonde tree farmers planting their crop by hand. As he had some extra time on his hands, he stopped to watch. He couldn't believe his eyes as the used farmers dug holes and filled them back in without dropping in any seeds or seedlings in it. Finally his curiosity got the best of him so he got out of his car and walked over to talk with them. "What are you guys doing?" he asked. "Planting trees," they said in unison. "But where is the seed or seedlings?" he asked. "Oh," one said, "normally there are three of us. He digs the holes, Jimmy plants the seedling, and I fill the hole with seeds. But Jimmy is not here because he is sick today."

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

THE EMAILTHE EMAIL

A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I’d be back a day earlier. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend! I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?"
"Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn ’t see the email."

Monday, July 11, 2011

ONLY 3 SPOONS

There was a guy who was sick, he went to the doctor and said "doctor I have a fever" the doctor said "you will have to take 4 spoons of this medicine" the sick one said " but doctor, i only have 3 spoons what shall i do?"

Sunday, July 10, 2011

SIMPLE QUESTIONS

What is the difference between a fly & a mosquito?
Simple! A fly can fly, but a mosquito cannot mosquito!!

What did baby corn ask mom corn?
Where is Pop corn?

Why is the River Rich?
It has two Banks!

What would computer programmers like to eat for snacks?
Micro chips!

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses to School?
She had a Bright Student.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

NAK£D UNCLE FRED

One day, a man gets back home early from
work and hears strange
noises coming from the
bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his
wife nak£d on the bed,
sweating and panting.
"What's wrong?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack,"
cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab
the phone for ambulance,
but just as he's dialing, his 4 -
year-old son comes up and
says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle
Fred is hiding in your closet
and he's got no clothes on!"
The man slams the phone
down and storms upstairs
into the bedroom, past his
screaming wife, and rips
open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is his
brother, totally nak£d,
covering on the closet floor.
"You b*stard," the man says,"
my wife is having a heart
attack and you're running
around nak£d scaring the
kids!"

Friday, July 8, 2011

FATHER'S DEATH

A blonde and brunette are having tea when suddenly the phone rings. The blonde picks it up and immediantely starts crying. Her brunette friend asks her, "Why are you crying dear?" Blonde says, "Because my mom just called and said that my father just died. "I'm so sorry," says the brunette. The blonde finally stops crying, when the phone rings again. She picks it up and starts crying again. The brunette asks again whats wrong, to which the blonde replies, "My brother just called and said that his father died too."

Thursday, July 7, 2011

THE THREE ROOMS

A guy dies and went to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he may choose any one of three rooms to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, please, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. The People there are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating potato chips. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

JESUS SAVES

Jesus and the devil were
arguing over which one of
them was the better
computer programmer.
"I am!" Jesus shouted.
"No, I am!"
countered the devil.
"I am!"
"I am!"
"Me!"
"No, me!"
"EEENOUGH!" God
bellowed, and the whole
universe disappeared into
darkness. When the lights
came back on, two
computers were sitting in
front of them.
God said "Now, whoever
makes the best computer
program in twenty minutes
wins."
Jesus and the devil both sat
down and started typing and clicking
furiously. This went on for
about 15 minutes, but then
there was a power failure,
and everything went dark again.
When everything came back
up again, the computer
screens were both blank.
The devil tried in vain to get
back everything he had lost.
He came up empty-handed.
Jesus pressed one key and it
all came back.
The devil looked at him in
astonishment. "No way! How
did you do that?!"
Jesus turned to him and
smiled, and said "Everybody
knows Jesus saves."

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MARKETING AND SPAM.

Do you know what marketing is? Can you differentiate it from spamming? The following illustrations will help you get an idea.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You walk up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." ..... That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a some of your friends and you see a handsome guy. One of your friends walks up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." ..... That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You walk up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hello, I'm fantastic in bed." ..... That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy, you get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your br£a$t lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." ..... That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." ..... That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. ..... That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. -- That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be some handsome men in all these houses you're passing by. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your voice, "I'm fantastic in bed!" ..... That's spam

Hope these illustrations help.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

BEHOLD, I STAND AT THE DOOR.

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parish members. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.' Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was nak£d.'

Friday, July 1, 2011

IT DOESN'T EXIST!

One day the kids in Mrs. Johnson's science class was disagreeing with her. Mrs. Johnson was talking about evolution. She was and atheist so she didn't believe in God. Then Johnny raised his hand and said, "But I thought God created mankind?" Mrs. Johnson then replied, "Well can you see God?" "No." "Hear God?" "No." "Feel God?" "No." This went on for quite a while. "Well then God doesn't exist." Then Johnny whispered back to his friend Jimmy, "Can you see Mrs. Johnson's brain? His friend said No, so it doesn't exist!"

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