SACRIFICIAL GIVING|COUPLE JOKE

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would t...ell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother and father kiss you on the cheek."

Read more ...

ENGLISH STUDENT

During a hostel inspection, a student whose bed
was untidy had the following conversation with
the house master who happens to be his english
teacher.

Master : Why is your bed untidy?

Student: I don't know Sir.

Master : Are you Mad?

Student: That's a question sir.

Master : Don't be stupid.

Student: Thanks for the advice sir.

Master : Get out of the Hostel.

Student: That's acommand sir.

Master : Goodness!!!!

Student: That's an exclamation.sir

Master : May God have mercy on you.

Student : That's a prayer sir, Thank you sir, for
wishing me well.

Read more ...

GOAL KEEPER SAVES BABY'S LIFE

A soccer goalkeeper was walking
along the street one day when he
heard screams from a nearby
building. He looked up to see
smoke
billowing from a fourth-floor
window
and a woman leaning out
holding a
baby.
"Help ! Help!" screamed the
woman,
"I need someone to catch my
baby!"
A crowd of onlookers had
gathered,
but none was confident about
catching a baby dropped from
such a
great height. then the
goalkeeper,
stepped forward. "I'm a
professional
goalkeeper," he called to the
woman.
"I'm renonwned for my safe
hands.
Drop the baby and I will catch it.
For
me, it will be just like catching a
ball."
The woman agreed:"Ok, then.
When I
drop my baby, treat it as if you
were
catching a ball."
On a count of three, the woman
dropped the baby. Everyone held
their breath as the goalkeeper
lined
himself up to catch it. There was
a
huge sigh of relief, followed by
wild
cheering as the goalkeeper
caught the
baby safely in his arms. Then he
bounced it twice on the ground
and
kicked it 50 yards down the
street.

Read more ...

APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

Application to Date my
Daughter
NOTE: This application will be
incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete
financial statement, job history,
lineage, and current medical
report from your doctor.
NAME____________________
DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________
WEIGHT____________ IQ__________
GPA______________
SOCIAL SECURITY#________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND
BADGES_______________________________________
HOME
ADDRESS_______________________
CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes
___No
Number of years they have been
married
______________________________
If less than your age, explain
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to
a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires?
__Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in
the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose
ring,
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or
a belly button ring? __Yes __No
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY
OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE
APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES
IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST
RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does
'LATE' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does
'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER'
mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does
'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend
__________________________________________________
How often you attend
________________________________________________
When would be the best time to
interview your:
father? _____________
mother? ____________
pastor? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank.
Please answer freely, all
answers are confidential.
A. If I were shot, the last place I
would want shot would be:
______________________________________________________________
B. If I were beaten, the last bone
I would want broken is my:
______________________________________________________________
C. A woman's place is in the:
______________________________________________________________
D. The one thing I hope this
application does not ask me
about is:
______________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to do IF
you grow up?
____________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I
always notice about her first is:
______________________________________________________________
G. What is the current going rate
of a hotel room?
________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION
SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND
CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE
UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH,
DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE,
CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROC UTION,
CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT
POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON
KISS TORTURE.
_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that
means sign your name, moron!)
_______________________________________________________________
Mother's Signature & Father's
Signature
_______________________________________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State
Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and
it had better be genuine and
non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for
processing.

Read more ...

DATING VERSUS MARRIAGE

Dating vs. Marriage

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue. When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public. When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad. When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked. When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay. When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason. When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together. When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy." When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood." When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He calls you by name. When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

Read more ...