Thursday, August 30, 2012

WHAT A MAN LOOKS LIKE WHEN...

A man was walking down
the street when he was
accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking
homeless man who asked
him for a couple of dollars
for dinner.
The man took out his wallet,
extracted ten dollars and
asked, "If I give you this
money, will you buy some
beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking
years ago," the homeless
man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble
instead of buying food?" the
man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the
homeless man said. "I need
everything I can get just to
stay alive."
"Will you spend it on greens
fees at a golf course instead
of food?" the man asked.
"Are you nuts!" replied the
homeless man. "I haven't
played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money
on a woman in the red light
district instead of food?" the
man asked.
"What disease would I get
for ten lousy bucks?!!"
exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm
not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm going to
take you home for a terrific
dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was
astounded. "Won't your wife
be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty
disgusting."
The man replied, "That's
okay. I just want her to see
what a man who
gives up beer, gambling,
golf, and sex look like"
Read more ...

Saturday, August 25, 2012

COURT CASE

Two young guys appear in
court after being arrested for
smoking Marijuana.
The judge says, 'You seem like
nice young men, and I'd like
to give you a second chance
instead of jail time. I want
you to go out this weekend
and try to convince others of
the evils of drug use. I'll see
you back in court Monday.'
On Monday, the judge asks
the first guy, 'How did you do
over the weekend?'
'Well, your honor, I
persuaded 17 people to give
up drugs forever.'
'Seventeen people? That's
wonderful. How did you do
it?'
'I used a diagram, your
honor. I drew two circles like
this: O o. Then I told them
that the big circle is your
brain before drugs and the
small circle is your brain after
drugs.'
'That's admirable,' says the
judge. Then he turns to the
second guy. 'And how did you
do?'
'Well, your honor, I
persuaded 156 people to give
up drugs forever.'
'Wow!' says the judge. '156
people! How did you manage
to do that?'
'Well, I used a similar
diagram,' the guy says. 'I
drew two circles like this: o O.
Then I pointed to the little
circle and said, 'This is your
asshole before prison."
Read more ...

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

THE MAN SHE LOVES MOST

One day a man came back
early from his office. He was
shocked to
see his wife with another
man -
jona. He told his wife to go
out of the room. Then he said
to
jona, "what are you doing
here?"jona
replied "I love your wife &
she loves me too.” To this
the
man
said "I know that my wife
loves
me & not you." After a long
conversation they decided
"we'll
hold our guns & fire at
each other
&pretend to be dead. She
will
mourn for the guy she
loves the
most & the other person
will get
out of their lives."The wife
heard
the gunshots, she came into
the
room, shocked and
surprised,
stood staring at both the
dead
bodies. Suddenly she
started
laughing out loudly,
rejoicing and
shouted "kay get out of
that
wardrobe, these 2 idiots
are dead
now!”
Read more ...

Sunday, August 12, 2012

FRUSTRATED PRINCIPAL

A frustrated principal said to
his students on a monday
morning at the assembly
ground; Since the Genesis of
this term, some students
have been Exodusing home
early and i will use my
Levitical power to
Deuteronomise their
Numbers. To do this, i have
appointed Joshua as one of
the Judges, Ruth and Samuel
as Kings. To chronicle the
event is Ezra. Nehemiah and
Esther will complete the Job
and they shall all sing in
Psalms and speak in Proverbs.
Read more ...

Monday, August 6, 2012

SACRIFICIAL GIVING|COUPLE JOKE

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would t...ell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother and father kiss you on the cheek."
Read more ...

Sunday, August 5, 2012

ENGLISH STUDENT

During a hostel inspection, a student whose bed
was untidy had the following conversation with
the house master who happens to be his english
teacher.

Master : Why is your bed untidy?

Student: I don't know Sir.

Master : Are you Mad?

Student: That's a question sir.

Master : Don't be stupid.

Student: Thanks for the advice sir.

Master : Get out of the Hostel.

Student: That's acommand sir.

Master : Goodness!!!!

Student: That's an exclamation.sir

Master : May God have mercy on you.

Student : That's a prayer sir, Thank you sir, for
wishing me well.
Read more ...

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

GOAL KEEPER SAVES BABY'S LIFE

A soccer goalkeeper was walking
along the street one day when he
heard screams from a nearby
building. He looked up to see
smoke
billowing from a fourth-floor
window
and a woman leaning out
holding a
baby.
"Help ! Help!" screamed the
woman,
"I need someone to catch my
baby!"
A crowd of onlookers had
gathered,
but none was confident about
catching a baby dropped from
such a
great height. then the
goalkeeper,
stepped forward. "I'm a
professional
goalkeeper," he called to the
woman.
"I'm renonwned for my safe
hands.
Drop the baby and I will catch it.
For
me, it will be just like catching a
ball."
The woman agreed:"Ok, then.
When I
drop my baby, treat it as if you
were
catching a ball."
On a count of three, the woman
dropped the baby. Everyone held
their breath as the goalkeeper
lined
himself up to catch it. There was
a
huge sigh of relief, followed by
wild
cheering as the goalkeeper
caught the
baby safely in his arms. Then he
bounced it twice on the ground
and
kicked it 50 yards down the
street.
Read more ...