NIGERIAN HELL

A man dies and goes to hell.
When he arrives, he finds
that there is a different hell
for each country. He goes first to the German
hell and asks "What do they
do here?". He is told "First they
put you in an electric chair for
an hour. Then they lay you
on a bed of nails for
another hour. Then the
German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of
the day." The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all
more or less the same as
the German hell. Then he comes to the Nigerian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do
they do here?" He is told.."First
they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for
another hour. Then the
Nigerian devil comes in and
whips you for the rest of
the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many
people waiting to get in?"

"Because there is never any
electricity, so the electric
chair does not work,
someone stole all the nails,
and the devil used to be a
public servant, so he comes in,
punches his time-card
and then goes back home..

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THE NEW CAR

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, and there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

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THE SLAP

Ex President Olusegun
Obasanjo of Nigeria,ex vice president atiku
abubaka, Agbani Darego (ex,miss
World 2001), and health Minister
onyebuchi chukwu are sitting in
a train going through a dark
tunnel. Suddenly, there is a
kissing sound and then a slap!!!
The train comes out of the tunnel
into daylight. The women and
Orji Uzo Kalu are sitting there
looking perplexed, because
everyone heard the slap, but
nobody was sure were it came
from. Obasanjo is bent over,
holding his face which is red
from the slap. All of them remain
diplomatically quiet and nobody
says anything, least of all, sorry!
Chikwe is thinking: "Nigerian
men are all crazy and even these
ones here are all lusting after
Agbani. Obasanjo must have tried
to kiss her in the tunnel. It is
quite proper that she slapped
him".
Agbani is thinking: "Mr President
must have moved to kiss me, and
got slapped... but by whom?"
Obasanjo is thinking: "Damn it,
Orji must have tried to kiss
Agbani, she thought it was me
and slapped me... but could this
little girl do such a thing without
fear?"
Kalu is thinking: "If this train
goes through another dark
tunnel, I could make another
kissing sound and slap Obasanjo
again"

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PUBLIC TOILET

I was in the public toilets today and as I sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi, how are you?". Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So
what are you up to?". I said, "Just doing the same as you sitting here! Then I'm asked "Can I come over?". Annoyed, I say "I'm rather busy right now". Then the voice said, "Listen, I'll have to call you back, there's an i.d.i.o.t in the cubicle next to me answering all my questions".

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TOP FIVE ANSWERS

Top five answers teachers give to their students if they don't know the answer to a question.


1) I Think The Question Is Wrong..

2) I Will Tell You Tomorrow..

3) Don't Ask Foolish Questions..

4)You Will Study This In The Next
Class..

And The Most Important One Is:

5)Nice Question, Raise Your
Hands

Who Knows The Answer :)

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THE STOLEN GOAT

A thief was caught red handed
with a stolen goat and was
reported to a police officer on
the road. As the policeman ws
trying to interrogate the thief,
the thief pretended to be deaf
and dumb. In a short while, a
man was passing by and
interfered the scene and said I'm
very gud at interpreting the
language of deaf and dumb
people. Now the thief started by
saying ...eberebeeebe... To his
surprise the interpreta said: "He
said He indeed stole d goat".
The thief was still trying to
explain like a dumb that he
doesn't mean what the
interpreter, said ...so he
proclaimed ebreebreefey ...
The interpreter said: "He said,
now that I have stolen the goat
what's your own concern or are
you the officer in charge of
stolen goats? The thief while still
trying to prove the interpreter
wrong said ...ebebeebe... The
interpreter said; "he said do you
think you can shakara me with
that your gun? If dem born you
well shoot me". As the police got
annoyed and was about to cork
the gun, the Thief shouted:
please, don't shoot me I stole the
goat to give you as gift for
Christmas.
The police man even got angrier
and said if no be say this gun no
get bullet I for don shoot you...

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MEET ME IN ROOM 194

A man in the reception of an hotel mistakly Hit his elbow against the Breast of a lady standing behind him. He felt sorry for his unknownly action and Apologired Saying" I am very sorry Young lady, if your hrt is as soft as soft as your breast, you wil find a place in your heart to forgive me"The lady said nothing, but dropped a note in dropped man's front pocket"reading" "if your Man Hood, is as strONG as ur Elbow meet me in Room 194.

Loads of benefits, check it out

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PSYCHIATRIC PATIENTS

A doctor was examining two of his psychatric patients to see if both of them getting better. He put them in a dark room and switchd on a torch light and said to them "Any one of you who can sit on the ray of this light will go home today "the first guy approached the ray and started jumping hard 2 sit on it while the other sat in a corner laughing. The doctor looked at him and said its your turn. The second patient looked at the doctor and said "YOU THINK THAT I AM MAD ABI? U WANT ME TO CLIMB THE RAY SO DAT WEN AM ON IT YOU WILL SWITCH OFF THE LIGHT AND I WILL FALL! YOU ARE MAD!"

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TAXI DRIVERS

A woman and her mind- year-old son were having a side in a public taxi in Lagos. It was raining very heavily and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings. Mommy, said the little boy, what are all those women there doing? They' re waiting for their husbands to get off work, she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They are hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money. The little boy's eyes got wide and he says, Is that true, Mommy? His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers that it's true. After a few minutes, the kid asks, Mom, what happens to the babies those women have? most of them become taxi drivers, she said.

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THE PASTOR'S DONKEY

A pastor entered his donkey in a donkey race competition and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again. The following morning it was published in the news and newspapers



The news headline reads:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.



The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races. The next day the local paper headline read:



BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.



This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline:



NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN .



The Bishop fainted. When he was revived, he informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the headlines read:



NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.



This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free. The next day the headlines read :



NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. Alas... The Bishop was buried the next day.



MORAL OF THE STORY



Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone Else's ass and you'll live longer.

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I CAN NEVER TRY IT AGAIN

One evening, I saw a guy in a bush who wanted to commite sucide, he was dangling on a tree with a rope tied around his waist, I went close and asked him what was happening, he said he wants to die, then I laughed and said "If really you want to die, put the rope around your neck, not around your waist. He repied and said "I can never try it again in my life, the other time I put the rope around my neck it was very tight and painful.

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SON'S ACHIEVEMENTS

Four friends were discussing at a party one of them excused himself to go to the toilet
1st man: My son started working at a very big oil and gas company. Now he is the overall manager of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a Mercedes benz for his birthday.

2nd man: My nun son started working in big airline , then became a partner in the company. Now he is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.

3rd man: My son became an intercontinental engineer and is now a multi-millionaire. He have his best friend 30,000 square feet mansion.

Just as the fourth man returnd from the toilet, he asked his other three friends what they were discussing and one of them said: we were talking about the success of our sons. What has been your son's achievement so far?

4th man: My son is gay and makes his living dancing at a nightclub.

Other three friends: What a shame..!

4th man: No, I'm not ashamed. He's my only son and I love him and he hasn't done too bad either. His brthday came up 2 weeks ago, and He recieved a beautiful 30,000 square feet mansion, a brand new jet and a new Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

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SIXTH AND SEVENTH SENSE

An integrated science lecturer was about lecturing his students on the human senses. Before the lesson, the lecturer wanted to know how if his students have an idea of the topic so he decides to ask questions...

Lecturer: how many senses does a human have.

John:- "5 sir! "

Lecturer:- "sorry, you don't seem to know that there is a 6th sense which is called common sense... which you don't seem to have.."

John:- "sir, there is 7th sense also... that NON-SENSE which you're talking..."

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THE BANANA TEST

There is a very,
very tall coconut tree and there
are 4 animals, a lion, a chimp, a
giraffe and a squirrel. They
decided to compete to see who is
the fastest to get a BANANA off
the tree. Who do u guess will
win?. Your answer will reflect
your personality. so think very
carefully....try and answer within
35 seconds. Got your answer?
now continue
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
If your answer is......
Lion: you're dull
Chimpanzee: you're dense
Giraffe: you're a complete moron
Squirrel: you're hopeless
Hmmmm... I guess you're still
confused.....
ok listen to this A COCONUT TREE
DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS
Obviously you're stressed and
overworked. You should take
time OFF and relax.

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THEN I'LL JUST WAIT A LITTLE

Okoro the house boy enters Madam's room without knocking. Madam- Okoro, this is wrong, what if I am naked or dressing up. Okoro- that one can never happen madam, before I enter, I always peep, if you're naked I'll go just wait a little.

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YOUR GRAND CHILDREN WILL PAY THE BILL

A signboard outside a restaurant said eat as you can and let your grandchildren pay the bill. A man entered into the restaurant and ate as much as he could and when the waiter gave him the bill,he pointed at the signboard, 'dont you see, it's my grandchildren that will pay the bill?', the waiter replied sir, this is not your bill it is your grandfather's bill...

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THE DREAM

A very drunken man was dreaming that he died and reincarnated on earth as a chicken. In the dream, he became heavy and tried to lay an egg! Hepushed and pushed and laid the 1st egg, then the 2nd. He was pushing to lay a 3rd egg when his wife screamed ''James! You're (defaecating )shitting on the bed!"

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FOOLISH MAN, FOOLISH CHICKEN

Vincent was sent to deliver a life Christmas chicken to Mrs. Francisca in Lagos. On his way, a careless bike man made him fall off the bike and the chicken immediately ran off. When Vincent saw the chicken was running away, he started laughing. At the side of the Road was Sandra who asked him why he was laughing, Vincent said "See this foolish chicken, where does it know in Lagos when the address is with me?"

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Riddle 21 - 10 apples

A basket contains 10 apples which are to be shared by 10 people. After sharing the apples, each person gets one apple but one apple is left in the basket. How is that possible?


cHECK THE ANSWEr scroll to riddle 21.

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GOAT AND CHICKEN

A goat and a chicken were discussing and walking along the road side and suddenly a car passed and splashed water on them, Angrily the chicken hissed and said, don't mind them that's how they drive like goat, and the goat smiled and said, hmm no wonder they die like chicken.

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ADVANTAGES OF BR£@$T MILK

An unprepared agricultural science student sat in the examination hall staring at a difficult question which was: "Give 4 advantages of
br£@$t milk"...he sighed and began to write whatever came into his head. This was what he wrote:

1. No need to boil
2. Never goes sour
3. Available whenever necessary..
He didn't know what next to write but the examination question demanded four answers and so he thought very hard... Suddenly he brightened up,grabbed his pen and wrote down...

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes..

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CAUGHT SPEEDING

A police officer stops a woman who was over speeding

Woman: Any problem, Officer?

Officer: Madam, you were over speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see nothing wrong in that.

Officer: You say nothing wrong...Can I see your license please?

Woman: I would have given it to you but I don't have.

Officer: you don't have a license?

Woman: I Lost it 4 times for due to drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can not do that, it's not possible.

Officer: Why?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: you stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed the owner and hacked him up.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags that is in the trunk of this vehicle if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within a few minutes six police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his gun.

Officer 2: Madam, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman quietly steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there any problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Me!! Murdered a person, besides this car is mine?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please... The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, madam?

Woman: Yes, I told you it's mine and here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman goes back into her car and takes out her handbag and brought out a clutch purse, took out her driving license and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you madam, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: I'm very sure the the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

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Lying friends

A boy reached home very late at night. Father (angrily): where the hell were you?

Boy: I was at my friends home! Father called his 10 friends, 4 answered: "Yes Uncle! he was here with me." 3 answered: "He just left a little while ago."
2 answered:"He is still here and we are studying." and the last one crossed all limits, He answered, "Hello Dad! I will come late tonight.

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LEARN TO PAY ATTENTION

A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table. The professor tells the class “In Veterinary Medicine, there are two qualities you must possess as a doctor – the first of which is a strong stomach. You cannot, under any circumstance, be disgusted by anything involving an animal’s body. For example, the Professor pulls back the sheet and sticks his finger right inside the dead cow's buttocks , pulls out his finger and sticks it in his mouth. The students just stand there, paralyzed and surprised at what they see. “Now, go ahead and do the same thing, each of you,” the professor says. Freaked out, the students take several minutes but eventually taking turns sticking their fingers up into the anal cavity of the dead cow, and then sucking on them. Once everyone is finished, the Professor continues on with his lesson. “Now, the second important quality you must possess is a keen observation. You see, I stuck in my middle finger up the cow's butt, and I sucked on my index finger. Now, learn to pay attention.”

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Riddle 20 - Green house

There was a green house. Inside the green house there was a white house. Inside the white house there was a red house. Inside the red house there were lots of babies. What is it?

cHECK THE ANSWEr scroll to riddle 20.

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IS IT BY FORCE TO MARRY?

During a wedding reception; the groom was called upon to give his vote of thanks to his guests and this is what he came up with:

1. I want to first of all thank the Lord Almighty for creating my wife and to also thank the pastor and his wife for lending us their wedding rings.

2. Special appreciation to my landlord who lent us his car.

3. I am most grateful to my boss for approving the loan I used for the wedding.

4. Big thanks to the committee of friends for the appeal fund they raised on my behalf.

5. Also to my brother's wife, thank you for lending us your wedding gown.

6. I'm so grateful to the cake designer for the cake. I promised to return it tomorrow morning as agreed without cutting or eating out of it.

7. Special thanks to my friends who brought food from their homes to help me feed you all. Please for those who were served food good luck and for Those who didn't get any, well we will make it up to you during our child dedication (hopefully next year).

8. Very big thanks to my parents for bringing the village cultural band to supply the music as well as entertain us all here, today.

9. Not forgetting the church marriage committee, thank you for persuading my wife to marry me.

10. Appreciation to the married men in the church for rushing me into this marriage.

11. The women are not left out, thanks a lot for teaching my wife how to dance.

12. To the youths, thank you for sweeping and decorating this venue with palm fronds.

13. I am also grateful to my teenage friends for helping with the Zobo drink 14. Appreciation to my co- tenants for contributing money for the cameraman

15. Well, I wish you all safe journey and I pray that God bless you.

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WE'LL GO AT NIGHT

Santa and Banta, both student of I.I.T, Kanpur, were talking about the American Astronauts. Santa said to Banta, "What's the big deal about going to the moon- anybody can go to the moon. We are sardars we will go direct to the sun." Banta replied "But if we get within 13 million miles from the sun, we'll melt." And Santa answered, "So what, we'll go at night."

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ST. PETER'S QUESTIONS

Just of recent, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer died and met themselves at the Pearly Gates of heaven. St. Peter told them that in order to get into Heaven, each of them would have to answer a question, any one who answers his question right would be allowed into heaven. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? The teacher had watched a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter allowed him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage collector and, figuring Heaven didn't really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder, he was asked: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered. "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

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I PROMISED HIM

There was a man who had worked all his life and had saved all his money. He loved money more than just about anything and just before he died he got his wife to promise with all her heart that she'll bury all the money in the coffin with him. He later died and the burial ceremony was done and just before the undertakers got ready to lower the coffin the wife said "wait a minute" she had a box with her and placed it in the coffin then he was buried. Her friend said "I hope u werent crazy enough to put all the money in the casket" the wife said "Yes, I promised, I'm a christian and I cant lie" her friend said "You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?" "I sure did, said the wife, I got it all together put it into my account and I wrote him a cheque"

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DON'T COPY IF YOU CAN'T PASTE

A popular motivational speaker who was addressing his audience said: "The best Years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"The audience was in total silence and shock. The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!" the audience responded with Laughter and a round of Applause. A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!" The wife went; "ahhhh!" with shock and rage. Standing there for close to 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!" By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing first degree burns from boiling cooking oil

Moral Lesson: Don't copy if you can't paste!!!

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I'M GOING TO SAVE IT

Jude and Jones were trying to light a match. Jude struck the first match and it didn't work, so he threw it away. He struck the second match. That also didn't work, so he threw it away angrily. Jones collected the matches from struck the third one and it lit up. "That's a good one!” he said, blowing it out. “I'm going to keep it!"

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WAITING FOR A TRAIN

Nancy buys a self-assembly, flat-pack, of very wide cupboard from her local Homebase store. When she reached home reads the instructions manual carefully, counts the pieces then assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really very great and she is very happy. Now, Nancy lives near a railway line and as the train passes by the cupboard collapses. Undaunted by this misfortune she re-reads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard. Once more, another train passes and the whole cupboard collapses again. Nancy, now frustrated and thinking that she must have done something "wrong" re-re- reads the instructions and re-re- assembles the cupboard. Shortly, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses yet again for the 3rd time. Nancy now gets fed up, cross and rather angry so she 'phones the customer service department. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a fitter to take a look. The fitter arrives and assembles the cupboard. Again, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled and surprised by this unexpected event, the fitter decides to assemble the cupboard again and sit inside the cupboard to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse. At this point, Rosie's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says, 'Oh, that's a splendid looking cupboard,' and he opens it to look inside. The fitter, who had been wondering how to explain his position in Nancy's bedroom cupboard, blurts out, without being asked any question 'You probably won't believe me, but I'm sleeping here waiting for a train.'

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A GIRL'S CONFESSION

A girl went to a catholic priest to confess her sins

---

GIRL: Father, I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a ba$tard.

PRIEST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?

GIRL: Well, he k!ss£d me.

PRIEST: You mean like this? The priest k!ss£d the girl

GIRL: Yes!

PRIEST: Well that's no reason to call him a ba$tard.

GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.

PRIEST:You mean like this? The priest put his hand in the girl's top

GIRL: Yes!

PRIEST: Well that's no reason to call him a ba$tard.

GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.

PRIEST: You mean like this? The priest took off the girl's clothes

GIRL: Yes!

PRIEST: Well that's no reason to call him a ba$tard.

GIRL: But, he had s£x with me!

PRIEST: You mean like this? The psychiatrist had s£x with the girl

GIRL: Yes!

PRIEST: Well that's no reason to call him a ba$tard.

GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.

PRIEST: You mean Ba$tard has AIDS?!!!!

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SMART STUDENTS, SMARTER LECTURER

There were four students of the University of Cambridge, who had an exam to write for the next day, but during the day's evening, they were tempted to visit a night club believing that they will get home before dawn to read their books, but unfortunately, they got so drunk and slept till late the next morning. when they woke up, they thought of what to do or say to the lecturer to let them sit for the exam the next day, One of them later came up with an idea, they smeared themselves with mud and went to the lecturer, they lied to him that they went for a wedding and that on their way back, one of the tyres burst and they tried throughout the evening to fix it but they couldn't, so they had no time to read, the lecturer pitied them and decided to let them sit for the exam in the next three days, they were so happy and thanked him so much. so, on the designated day, they came to the lecturer's office and he told them that they will stay in different halls for the exam, each person will be in a hall, they agreed, since they have crammed the entire textbook. so the question sheet was shared the INSTRUCTION was: You all must answer all the questions corrctly and if one person fails to answer one question correctly, the four of them will get zero. QUESTIONS

1. what is the name of the bride and bridegroom at the wedding you attended?

2. where did the wedding take place?

3. which car did you drive to the wedding?

4. who was driving?

5. which tyre burst?
Good Luck...

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85 YEARS OLD

An old lady was standing at the railing of a ship, holding her hat on tightly so that it wouldn't blow off in the wind. A young man came to her and said: "Pardon me please, madam. I do not intend being too forward, but do you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know." replied the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But madam, you should know that your pr!vat£$ are exposed!" said the young man in earnest. The woman looked down, then looked back up at the young man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. It was just yesterday I bought this hat!"

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