SAILING WITH THE DEVIL

On a ship, an American, a British
and a Nigerian were sailing. The
Devil appeared and said "drop
something in the sea, if I find it
I'll eat you but if I can't, then I'll
be your slave. The American
dropped a diamond, the devil
found it and ate him. The British
dropped a small platinum piece,
the devil found it and ate him
too. The Nigerian opened a bottle
of water, emptied it in the sea
and said "today na today! Find
am, I dey wait".

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SHARING ORANGES

Two boys stole a bag of oranges from a neighbour and decided to share it among themselves. They could not find a conducive place for the sharing so they decided to go to the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate of the cemetery, two oranges fell from the bag but they could not go back to pick them. Shortly,a drunk man who was passing by the cemetery heard a voice saying 'one for me,one for you; one for me,one for you'. Alarmed, he quickly ran to the local church to call the priest saying "please come and hear Jesus and Satan sharing corpses in the cemetery." The shocked priest ran with him back to the cemetery and as they listened,the voice continued. . . "one for me,one for you. . . " Suddenly,the voice stopped counting and said "what about those two at the gate?" immediately, the man and the priest took to their heels shouting and screaming "we are not dead yet! we are not dead yet!!"

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HOW AN IDIOT GOT INTO HEAVEN

Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared. The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too. The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong!" said the idiot, "it's from my buttocks hole." since the devil didn't get the answer right, the idot was allowed to go into Heaven.

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THE THREE ROOMS

A guy dies and went to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he may choose any one of three rooms to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, please, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. The People there are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating potato chips. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

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JESUS SAVES

Jesus and the devil were
arguing over which one of
them was the better
computer programmer.
"I am!" Jesus shouted.
"No, I am!"
countered the devil.
"I am!"
"I am!"
"Me!"
"No, me!"
"EEENOUGH!" God
bellowed, and the whole
universe disappeared into
darkness. When the lights
came back on, two
computers were sitting in
front of them.
God said "Now, whoever
makes the best computer
program in twenty minutes
wins."
Jesus and the devil both sat
down and started typing and clicking
furiously. This went on for
about 15 minutes, but then
there was a power failure,
and everything went dark again.
When everything came back
up again, the computer
screens were both blank.
The devil tried in vain to get
back everything he had lost.
He came up empty-handed.
Jesus pressed one key and it
all came back.
The devil looked at him in
astonishment. "No way! How
did you do that?!"
Jesus turned to him and
smiled, and said "Everybody
knows Jesus saves."

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