THE MAN SHE LOVES MOST

One day a man came back
early from his office. He was
shocked to
see his wife with another
man -
jona. He told his wife to go
out of the room. Then he said
to
jona, "what are you doing
here?"jona
replied "I love your wife &
she loves me too.” To this
the
man
said "I know that my wife
loves
me & not you." After a long
conversation they decided
"we'll
hold our guns & fire at
each other
&pretend to be dead. She
will
mourn for the guy she
loves the
most & the other person
will get
out of their lives."The wife
heard
the gunshots, she came into
the
room, shocked and
surprised,
stood staring at both the
dead
bodies. Suddenly she
started
laughing out loudly,
rejoicing and
shouted "kay get out of
that
wardrobe, these 2 idiots
are dead
now!”

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GOAL KEEPER SAVES BABY'S LIFE

A soccer goalkeeper was walking
along the street one day when he
heard screams from a nearby
building. He looked up to see
smoke
billowing from a fourth-floor
window
and a woman leaning out
holding a
baby.
"Help ! Help!" screamed the
woman,
"I need someone to catch my
baby!"
A crowd of onlookers had
gathered,
but none was confident about
catching a baby dropped from
such a
great height. then the
goalkeeper,
stepped forward. "I'm a
professional
goalkeeper," he called to the
woman.
"I'm renonwned for my safe
hands.
Drop the baby and I will catch it.
For
me, it will be just like catching a
ball."
The woman agreed:"Ok, then.
When I
drop my baby, treat it as if you
were
catching a ball."
On a count of three, the woman
dropped the baby. Everyone held
their breath as the goalkeeper
lined
himself up to catch it. There was
a
huge sigh of relief, followed by
wild
cheering as the goalkeeper
caught the
baby safely in his arms. Then he
bounced it twice on the ground
and
kicked it 50 yards down the
street.

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THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL ANIMALS

A lion woke up one morning
feeling rowdy. He went out and
cornered a small monkey and
roared, "Who is mightiest of all
jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey said,
"You are, mighty lion!"
Later, the lion confronted a deer
and bellowed, "Who is mightiest
of all jungle animals?"
The terrified deer stammered,
"Oh great lion, you are by far
the mightiest animal in the
jungle!"
On a roll, the lion swaggered up
to an elephant and roared, "Who
is mightiest of all jungle
animals?"
The elephant snatched up the
lion with his trunk, slammed
him against a tree, stomped on
him and then ambled away.
The battered lion hollered after
the elephant, "Sheesh, just
because you don't know the
answer, you don't have to get
so upset."

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THE WINNER

A group of scientists did a
competition to test the
intelligence of Nigerian students
in inventing things.
On the grand finalle, three
students were called form0the
crowd to come and present what
they invented.
The first student went there and
said "I'm Adeseun Tope from
Lagos, i invented a biro that can
write what people are saying on
a paper itself,he practicalised it
and he was applauded"
The next student went there and
said "i'm Ehirim Chinwe from
Imo, i invented a chip that will
tell the amount of money in the
pocket of anyone standing close
to it,he practicalised it and was
applauded".
The third student went there and
said "i'm Gambo Sani from Kano,i
invented an explosive that could
shatter the human body into a
million pieces, penetrating the
hardest of bones, can you all0sit
down while i practicalise it"
The chief scientist stood up and
said "don't bother to practicalise
it,you are the winner of this
competition"
Abeg people, who is the real
winner of the competition?

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HEIGHT OF HORNINESS

Girl : I'm warning you My Mummy is coming back in half an hour..

Boy : But I'm not doing anything..

Girl : That's why I'm warning you...........Hurry up dude, do something quick before she comes!! rEAD THESE IMPORTANT INFORMATIOn

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BREAD WINNER. (AN INTERVIEW WITH AKPORS

Journalist: Mr. Akpors, first of all, is it true that you are the bread winner in your family.

Akpors : I am not hearing that allegation for the first time, I have been hearing it for some time, I know this allegation is coming from my political enemies who want to tarnish my image.
I want to tell you that I have never been in any competition to win bread.

Ask them where I won that bread. If anyone saw me entering a competition to win bread, then they must provide the evidence otherwise I will start suing anyone saying I am a bread winner, yes including you reporters and your newspapers...

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CHARGED TO COURT FOR LAUGHING

A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more. She filed a court case on him.

In the court the man's defence was:-

When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.
She sat under an advertisement,which read"Coming Soon- The unknown boon"..

I was even more amused when she then sat under a shaving advertisement, which
read:-"William' s stick did the trick"..

Then I could not control myself any longer, when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which

read:-"Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident"..

The case was dismissed.

The judge fell off his chair laughing ! =)) :D

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THE OLD FRIDGE

One guy bought a new fridge
for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: ' free to any good home. If you want it, you take it...'

For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

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POSITIVE, COMPARATIVE AND SUPERLATIVE

A teaching practice teacher
was preparing for the arrival
of his invigilator, so he
decided to use the adjective
comparative and superlative
drill to rehearse well with the
pupils. He arranged with the
pupils that he would shout
out the positive and they
would all chorus the
comparative and the
superlative.
Here is how it all went on
when the invigilator was
around:
Akpos : Big!
Pupils: Bigger Biggest!
Akpos : Small!
Pupils: Smaller Smallest!
Akpos : Tall!
Pupils: Taller Tallest!
Akpos : Short!
Pupils: Shorter Shortest!
and so on. Now it's time for
the teacher to stop this
interesting exercise, so he
shouted 'stop' at the peak of
the exercise and the pupils
with all enthusiasm chorused:
Stopper Stoppest!
Akpos (out of
disappointment): What?
Pupils: Whater whatest!
Akpos : (frustrated) OK!
Pupils: Oker Okest!
Akpos : (Extremely angry)
shouted STUPID!
Pupils: Stupider Stupidest.
Here, the invigilator decided
to intervene.
Invigilator: (Shouted) SILENCE!
Pupil: Silencer Silencest!

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WHO IS THAT MAN?

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who's this guy on the beach with you, with all the muscles and curly hair?" "That's your father," said the mother. The boy seemed astonished as he said to his mom, "Then who's that old bald-headed fat man that lives with us now?"

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JUST DECIDED TO CHECK ON YOU

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre door to go in and check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations. When a third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?" The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor and just decided to check on you."

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HOW TO FLY AN AEROPLANE

One day, Akpos an aeroplane cleaner was cleaning
the pilot's cockpit when he saw a book entitled,
HOW TO FLY AN AEROPLANE FOR BEGINNERS,
VOLUME 1.
He opened the the first page which Read, To start
the engine, press the red button. He did so and the
airplane engine started. He was pleased and
opened the next page, To set airplane moving
press blue button. He did so and the plane started
moving at an amazing speed. He wanted to fly, so
he opened the 3rd page which read, To let airplane
fly, please press the green button. He did so and
the plane started to fly. He was so happy. After 20
minutes of flying, he was satisfied and wanted to
land so he decided to go the 4th page. He fainted
after reading the instructions. The 4th page read,
To learn how to land a plane please watch out for
Vol. 2 of this book....

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LESS DAMAGE

After a Car Acident, The Following ensured btw a policeman and d driver... Policeman: Man, how did u kill 50 people in a car accident?

Driver: I was driving at about 120km/h, when i tried to stop I found that i had no brakes. I saw 2 men walking on the street and a wedding on the other side of the street, who should i hit?

Policeman: of course the two men, less damage.

Driver: that's what I thought to myself, but when I did it, I hit only one and the other one ran to the wedding, SO I DROVE AFTER HIM...

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YOUR FIRST TIME

Once upon a time, a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in the 25 years they had spent together. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well- known "Happy Going Marriage". Editor: "Sir, It is amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?" Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: "We went to Kano State for our honeymoon. Having selected horse riding as the first activity, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Getting up from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said, "This is your first time". She climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. She again kept calm and said, "This is your second time" and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead! I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do, you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?' She gave me a silent look, smiled and said: "This is your first time!". ...AND WE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER!!

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ENGLISH LANGUAGE, ONE OF THE HARDEST LANGUAGE

English has to be one of the hardest languages to understand. Read the paragraph below and try to understand
the meaning.

Two individuals proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a
sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; Subsequently the second member of the team performed a self rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.(O_o)

In plain English what does this translate to?

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after!

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APRIL FOOL

Congratulations!
you've been
successfully fooled!
Wishing you a happy

APRIL FOOL's day.


Wanna fool your friends too? Share this link on your wall to do that, and you'll be glad you did.

You can JOIN US ON FACEBOOK to get more jokes and catch more fun.

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CAN YOU GIVE ME A PUSH?

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat- a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

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HOW LONG?

A guy stuck his head into a barber's shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2hours." The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour only." The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Ken, please do me a favor, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back". A little while later, Ken returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go whenever he leaves here?" Ken looked up, with tears in his eyes and said, "To your wife at home."

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WHERE I WAS OPERATED

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs." And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." All three put down the money excitedly. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

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APPLICATION LETTER

This is an actual job application
a 17 year old boy submitted at
a McDonald's fast-food
establishment in Florida... and
they hired him because he was
so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for
the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's
President or Vice President. But
seriously, whatever's available.
If I was in a position to be
picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a
year plus stock options and a
Michael Ovitz style severance
package. If that's not possible,
make an offer and we can
haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for
middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of
stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30
p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and
Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL
SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better
suited to a more intimate
environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR
CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had
one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL
CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the
more appropriate question
here would be "Do you have a
car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL
AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I
may already be a winner of the
Publishers Clearing house
Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no,
on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE
DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in
the Bahamas with a fabulously
wealthy dumb beautiful blonde
super model who thinks I'm
the greatest thing since sliced
bread. Actually, I'd like to be
doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE
ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE
TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

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