AWAY FOR FORTY (40) YEARS

An Irishman and an American
were sitting in the bar at
Shannon Airport.
"I've come to meet my brother,"
said the Irishman. "He's due to
fly in from America in an hour's
time. It's his first trip home in
forty years".
"Will you be able to recognize
him?" asked the American.
"I'm sure I won't," said the
Irishman, "after all, he's been
away for a long time".
"I wonder if he'll recognize
you?" said the American.
"Of course he will," said the
Irishman. "Sure, I haven't been
away at all."

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THE HUNTING BIRD DOG

Two blondes suddenly got into
bird hunting and were eager to
try it out for themselves.
They had read that a birddog is
a great and useful accessory in
bird hunting, so they decided to
go to the pet shop and buy one.
They asked for a well-trained
birddog, and got one.
The two blondes immediately
went to the woods to try it out.
The dog didn't work. No matter
how hard they tried, it just
didn't follow their commands.
They became really frustrated
and one of the blondes said to
her companion, "Okay, we'll give
him one more try. We'll throw
him in the air one more time
and if he doesn't fly, we're
taking him back to the store!"

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COMMITTING SUICIDE

A man who was fed up with life decided to end his life. He took a rope and went to the farm to hang himself. Upon reaching a tree, he tied the rope around the tree and hanged the loop around his ankle and suspended himself so his face was pointing to the ground and his leg, in the air.

A passer-by saw this scene and was curious and this is what ensued between them;

PASSER-BY: What are you doing?

MAN; Can't you see? I want to end my life because I'm fed up with it.?

PASSER-BY; Then why don't you hang the rope around your neck?

MAN; Hell no! I tried that yesterday and i nearly died!

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LESS DAMAGE

After a Car Acident, The Following ensured btw a policeman and d driver... Policeman: Man, how did u kill 50 people in a car accident?

Driver: I was driving at about 120km/h, when i tried to stop I found that i had no brakes. I saw 2 men walking on the street and a wedding on the other side of the street, who should i hit?

Policeman: of course the two men, less damage.

Driver: that's what I thought to myself, but when I did it, I hit only one and the other one ran to the wedding, SO I DROVE AFTER HIM...

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APPLICATION LETTER

This is an actual job application
a 17 year old boy submitted at
a McDonald's fast-food
establishment in Florida... and
they hired him because he was
so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for
the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's
President or Vice President. But
seriously, whatever's available.
If I was in a position to be
picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a
year plus stock options and a
Michael Ovitz style severance
package. If that's not possible,
make an offer and we can
haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for
middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of
stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30
p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and
Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL
SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better
suited to a more intimate
environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR
CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had
one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL
CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the
more appropriate question
here would be "Do you have a
car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL
AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I
may already be a winner of the
Publishers Clearing house
Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no,
on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE
DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in
the Bahamas with a fabulously
wealthy dumb beautiful blonde
super model who thinks I'm
the greatest thing since sliced
bread. Actually, I'd like to be
doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE
ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE
TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

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CURED OF MADNESS

A psychiatrist wanted to know how many of his patients have been cured of madness, so he assembled them in a classroom and drew a big door on the blackboard. He told the class that̴̶̲̣̣̣̥̩̩̩̥̲̥̅̊ ̲̅if anyone can open ddoor on the board, that person will receive a gift of N20,000 and will be free to go home. On hearing this, they all rushed to the board to open the door, except one young man who remained in his seat at the back smiling. The psychiatrist, with joy and excitement on his face seeing Dα̲̅ƭ somebody has been cured of madness, went to himand asked, why didn't you join your mates to open d door? The young man replied, don't mind those mad people, they are just fooling themselves, they don't know that I have the key with me in my pocket.

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GRANDMA IS DEAD

Son: mum I thought grandma is dead?

Mum: thunder fire you! It's your own mama go die first

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BAD NEWS

At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Master Carlos, This is
Arnaldo your country house
caretaker"
Mr Carlos: "Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo.
What can I do for you? Is there a
problem?"
Arnaldo: "Um, I am just calling to
advise you, sir, that your parrot
died"
Mr Carlos: "My parrot? Dead? The
one that won the competition?"
Arnaldo: "That's ð one sir."
Mr Carlos: "Darn! That's such a
pity! I spent a small fortune on
that bird. Oh well...what did he
die from?"
Arnaldo: "From eating rotten
meat."
Mr Carlos: "Rotten meat? Who
was so mean as to give him
meat?"
Arnaldo: "Nobody. He ate the
meat of one of the dead horses."
Mr Carlos: "Dead horse? What
dead horse Mr. Arnaldo?"
Arnaldo: Those pure breed ones
that you had, sir. They died from
all that work pulling the water
cart."
Mr Carlos: "Are you insane?! What
water cart?" :/
Arnaldo: "The one we used to put
out the fire."
Mr Carlos (now alert): "Good
Lord! What fire are you talking
about, man?"
Arnaldo: "The one at your house!
A candle fell and then the curtain
caught on fire."
Mr Carlos: "What the hell!!! But
there’s electricity at the
house!!!! What was the candle
for???"
Arnaldo: "Um um for the funeral
sir." #:-s
Mr Carlos: "WHAT BLOODY
FUNERAL
Arnaldo? !!!" >:O Arnaldo: "Um
um...Your mother's! She showed
up one night out of the blue and
I thought she was a thief, so I
SHOT HER DEAD sir...

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THE THREE GIFTS

Three sons left home, went out
on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they
discussed the gifts they were
able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big
house for our Mother." The
second said, "I sent her a
Mercedes with a driver." The
third smiled and said, "I've got
you both beat. You remember
how Mom enjoyed reading the
Bible? And you know she can't
see very well any more. I sent
her a remarkable parrot that
recites the entire Bible. It took
Elders in the church 12 years to
teach him. He's one of a kind.
Mama just has to name the
chapter and verse, and the
parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out
her letters of thanks: "Milton,"
she wrote one son, "the house
you built is so huge. I live in only
one room, but I have to clean
the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another,
"I am too old to travel any
more. My eyesight isn't what it
used to be. I stay most of the
time at home, so I rarely use the
Mercedes. And the driver is so
rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to
her third son, "you have the
good sense to know what your
Mother likes. The chicken was
delicious!"

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NEW EMPLOYEE

A new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary asked. "Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?" "Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

If you think you're smart aNSWER THIS BRAIN TEASEr

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WISE MALLAM

Mallam lukman lost his Cheque
Book. So he went to the Bank to
request for another one.
Bank Manager: you have to be
careful Mallam, anyone can forge
your signature.
Mallam: Do you think I'm a fool? I
have already signed all the
cheques before I misplaced it, so
no body will have space to forge
my signature.

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WHO IS FOOLISH?

Two men were arguing about their
sons. The first man said his
son was more foolish while
the second disagreed so
they decided to prove it.
The first
man called his son
and told him to go to the market and
buy a box of matches and the
boy left without asking for money
then the father said
to the second man, "you see how foolish he
is, he didn't ask for money"
The second
man
replied, "is that what you call
foolishness? Wait and see". Then he
called his own son and told
him to go to their house and check
if he was around.
The boy ran away and came back and
said,
'papa, you're not
around o, my mother said you're at your friend's place.

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THE AUTOMATIC CAR

Julius Malema recently bought a new automatic car. He drives the car perfectly well during the day but at night the car just won't move. He had tried everything for a week and still no luck he then furiously calls the dealership and they send out a tech. The tech asks are you sure you using the right gears? He says of course I am, im not stupit I use D for “day” and N for ‘night', !

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RE CHECKING MY ANSWERS

A blonde reported for her University final year examination which all consists of "yes/no" type questions. When she finally took her seat in the exam hall, she stared at the question paper for close to five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Before half twenty minutes, she was through, whereas the rest of the class are still sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The exam moderator who was very much alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on... She replied, "I finished the exam in half and hour. But, I am rechecking my answers!!"

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THE STOLEN GOAT

A thief was caught red handed
with a stolen goat and was
reported to a police officer on
the road. As the policeman ws
trying to interrogate the thief,
the thief pretended to be deaf
and dumb. In a short while, a
man was passing by and
interfered the scene and said I'm
very gud at interpreting the
language of deaf and dumb
people. Now the thief started by
saying ...eberebeeebe... To his
surprise the interpreta said: "He
said He indeed stole d goat".
The thief was still trying to
explain like a dumb that he
doesn't mean what the
interpreter, said ...so he
proclaimed ebreebreefey ...
The interpreter said: "He said,
now that I have stolen the goat
what's your own concern or are
you the officer in charge of
stolen goats? The thief while still
trying to prove the interpreter
wrong said ...ebebeebe... The
interpreter said; "he said do you
think you can shakara me with
that your gun? If dem born you
well shoot me". As the police got
annoyed and was about to cork
the gun, the Thief shouted:
please, don't shoot me I stole the
goat to give you as gift for
Christmas.
The police man even got angrier
and said if no be say this gun no
get bullet I for don shoot you...

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PSYCHIATRIC PATIENTS

A doctor was examining two of his psychatric patients to see if both of them getting better. He put them in a dark room and switchd on a torch light and said to them "Any one of you who can sit on the ray of this light will go home today "the first guy approached the ray and started jumping hard 2 sit on it while the other sat in a corner laughing. The doctor looked at him and said its your turn. The second patient looked at the doctor and said "YOU THINK THAT I AM MAD ABI? U WANT ME TO CLIMB THE RAY SO DAT WEN AM ON IT YOU WILL SWITCH OFF THE LIGHT AND I WILL FALL! YOU ARE MAD!"

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I CAN NEVER TRY IT AGAIN

One evening, I saw a guy in a bush who wanted to commite sucide, he was dangling on a tree with a rope tied around his waist, I went close and asked him what was happening, he said he wants to die, then I laughed and said "If really you want to die, put the rope around your neck, not around your waist. He repied and said "I can never try it again in my life, the other time I put the rope around my neck it was very tight and painful.

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THEN I'LL JUST WAIT A LITTLE

Okoro the house boy enters Madam's room without knocking. Madam- Okoro, this is wrong, what if I am naked or dressing up. Okoro- that one can never happen madam, before I enter, I always peep, if you're naked I'll go just wait a little.

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FOOLISH MAN, FOOLISH CHICKEN

Vincent was sent to deliver a life Christmas chicken to Mrs. Francisca in Lagos. On his way, a careless bike man made him fall off the bike and the chicken immediately ran off. When Vincent saw the chicken was running away, he started laughing. At the side of the Road was Sandra who asked him why he was laughing, Vincent said "See this foolish chicken, where does it know in Lagos when the address is with me?"

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WE'LL GO AT NIGHT

Santa and Banta, both student of I.I.T, Kanpur, were talking about the American Astronauts. Santa said to Banta, "What's the big deal about going to the moon- anybody can go to the moon. We are sardars we will go direct to the sun." Banta replied "But if we get within 13 million miles from the sun, we'll melt." And Santa answered, "So what, we'll go at night."

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