WHAT A MAN LOOKS LIKE WHEN...

A man was walking down
the street when he was
accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking
homeless man who asked
him for a couple of dollars
for dinner.
The man took out his wallet,
extracted ten dollars and
asked, "If I give you this
money, will you buy some
beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking
years ago," the homeless
man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble
instead of buying food?" the
man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the
homeless man said. "I need
everything I can get just to
stay alive."
"Will you spend it on greens
fees at a golf course instead
of food?" the man asked.
"Are you nuts!" replied the
homeless man. "I haven't
played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money
on a woman in the red light
district instead of food?" the
man asked.
"What disease would I get
for ten lousy bucks?!!"
exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm
not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm going to
take you home for a terrific
dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was
astounded. "Won't your wife
be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty
disgusting."
The man replied, "That's
okay. I just want her to see
what a man who
gives up beer, gambling,
golf, and sex look like"

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THE MAN SHE LOVES MOST

One day a man came back
early from his office. He was
shocked to
see his wife with another
man -
jona. He told his wife to go
out of the room. Then he said
to
jona, "what are you doing
here?"jona
replied "I love your wife &
she loves me too.” To this
the
man
said "I know that my wife
loves
me & not you." After a long
conversation they decided
"we'll
hold our guns & fire at
each other
&pretend to be dead. She
will
mourn for the guy she
loves the
most & the other person
will get
out of their lives."The wife
heard
the gunshots, she came into
the
room, shocked and
surprised,
stood staring at both the
dead
bodies. Suddenly she
started
laughing out loudly,
rejoicing and
shouted "kay get out of
that
wardrobe, these 2 idiots
are dead
now!”

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SACRIFICIAL GIVING|COUPLE JOKE

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would t...ell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother and father kiss you on the cheek."

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DATING VERSUS MARRIAGE

Dating vs. Marriage

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue. When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public. When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad. When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked. When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay. When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason. When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together. When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy." When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood." When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He calls you by name. When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

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DRUNK HUSBAND|NAGGING WIFE

A drunk came home very late and
sat on the Door step for thirty
minutes trying to figure out
what to tell his harsh and super
strict wife the reason for his
lateness.
He gained Courage, Opened the
Door, and found his wife and son
watching a late Night movie. He
passed them and Went Upstairs,
his heart pounding hard. To his
surprise, his wifedidn't say a
word. Just to confirm, he decided
to walk past them, and again
back to the Upstairs corridor. But
his wife Didn't say a word. He
signal his son to come. And he
asked him; How come today your
mother Isn't speaking?. or even
uttering
a word! The boy replied; she
asked Me for LIPSTICK and
Imistakingly gave her SUPER
GLUE.......

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HEIGHT OF HORNINESS

Girl : I'm warning you My Mummy is coming back in half an hour..

Boy : But I'm not doing anything..

Girl : That's why I'm warning you...........Hurry up dude, do something quick before she comes!! rEAD THESE IMPORTANT INFORMATIOn

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MY WIFE DID

A man with a gun goes into a
bank and demands their money.
Once he is given the money, he
turns to a customer and asks,
"Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber then shot him in the
temper, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple
standing next to him and asked
the man,
"Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't,
but my wife did!"

Moral - When Opportunity
knocks... MAKE USE OF IT!

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HE COMES HERE SOMETIMES

A friend asked a divorced woman, "When you were divorced you had only one child, How come now you have three children from your ex?”

The woman explained, “Well he comes here occasionally to apologize."

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NOT IN TALKING TERMS

A man comes back from work at night and heads straight to the bedroom to make love to his wife. When done, he goes straight to the kitchen to fetch himself a bottle of cold drink only to find his wife there looking for something in the frigde. He asks his wife how she quickly made it to the kitchen when they've just finished making love. His wife says 'haaa!!! That was my mother in the bedroom?, she was so tired when she arrived' I let her sleep in our room. Alarmed, she runs to her mother and asks her why she didn't say something when her husband was making love to her. Mother replies and said: 'you know your husband and I are not in talking terms. So i didn't want to be the one to talk to him first!!!

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THEORY OF LOVE

If a girl is in LOVE, her Parents will ask Who's that IDIOT? ♥

If a boy is in LOVE, his Parents ask... IDIOT, Who's that girl..? ♥

MISCONCEPTION: No matter whoever in LOVE, boys are always IDIOTS. ♥

PROPOSED THEORY: Boys are normal before LOVE, but become IDIOTS after they fall in LOVE. ♥

CONCLUDED THEORY: Girls always LOVE IDIOTS :-)

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SHORT CONVERSATION

phone rings.......

B/f: hello darling

g/f:how r u babes?

B/f: am good & u?

G/f: not good at all

b/f: why not honey?

G/f: i need 3000k for my hair....

B/f: this is voicemail service......press 1 to end this call or 2 to leave a message...

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YOUR FIRST TIME

Once upon a time, a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in the 25 years they had spent together. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well- known "Happy Going Marriage". Editor: "Sir, It is amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?" Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: "We went to Kano State for our honeymoon. Having selected horse riding as the first activity, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Getting up from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said, "This is your first time". She climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. She again kept calm and said, "This is your second time" and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead! I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do, you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?' She gave me a silent look, smiled and said: "This is your first time!". ...AND WE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER!!

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WE COULD HAVE BEEN HERE

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area." "Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

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CAN YOU GIVE ME A PUSH?

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat- a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

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THE MISTAKE

Wife :dear, we shall kill one of
the goats to celebrate our
10th year marriage anniversary.

Husband:no!

Wife: why?

Husband: how do you expect me
to kill the innocent goat for a
mistake I made 10years ago?

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RETURN EVERYTHING

GIRLFRIEND: I want to end
up our relationship, I am going to return to you everything you gave me..

BOYFRIEND: Hahahaha! What
a joke? Okay then, let's start with the kisses I gave you!


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THE OTHER ONE IN THE MIRROR

One day, a man comes home
from work and greets his wife.
Upon seeing him, she asks for $20 to buy meat for dinner.
He leads her to a mirror,
holds up the $20 bill and says to her, "Honey, the $20 in the mirror is yours. The other belongs to me."
Satisfied with his "ingenious"
remark, he sits back and the
incident was forgotten.
...
The next day, he comes
home and greets his wife.
When he goes to the dining
room, the table is laden with meats and delicious foods.
Shaken, he asks his wife
where she got the money.
She leads him to the same
mirror and lifts up her skirt. "See that p**** in the mirror? That one belongs to you. The other belongs to the butcher."

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IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL

A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good." The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?" The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!" The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?" She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His d*** is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, it feels good!"

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TV VERSUS MOBILE PHONES

Wife is like a TV
Girlfriend is like a MOBILE :O
At home you watch TV,
but when you go out you take
your MOBILE =)]
No money, you keep your old TV,
got money, you change your
MOBILE =D
Sometimes you enjoy TV,
but most of the time you play
with your MOBILE *...* ♥♥
TV is free for life,
but for the MOBILE, if you
don't pay, services will be
terminated >:/
TV is big and bulky,
MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy
and very portable ♥♥ ;;)
Operational costs for TV is
minimal, but for the MOBILE it is
often high and demanding #:-s
X_X
Most importantly, MOBILE is a
two-way communication (you
talk and listen),
but in most cases with the TV
you MUST only listen (whether
you want to or not) :p :&
Last but not least!
TVs don't have viruses,
but MOBILEs often do ;)
Be careful o... Happy valentine

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THE BLOOD DONATION

A guy donated blood to his
girlfriend while she was terribly
sick and urgently needed blood.
A few months later, view broke
up. The guy then went to the girl
and ask for his blood back. The
girl threw him her menstrual pad
and said I'll pay in monthly
instalments.

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