FIVE DOMESTIC ANIMALS

Teacher: Name five domestic animals.
Johnny: Dog, cat, cow and two goats.

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WHO SAID...?

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said ' Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave." Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these foolish people would keep their dirty mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "It's me, CAN I GO NOW?"

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I GOT A JOKE FOR YOU

Tell me something," asked
Jon , "how many cookies can
you eat on an empty
stomach, Little Johnny?"
Little Johnny scratched his
head and said, "Well, five, I
think."
"Wrong," said Jon. "You can
only eat just one. After that,
your stomach isn't empty
any more! Gotcha!"
Little Johnny was impressed
so he decided to pull the
joke on his sister, Judi, when
he got home.
"Hey, Sis, how many cookies
can you eat on an empty
stomach?"
Judi thought for a minute or
two (it takes awhile to get
those two brain cells to fire
together) and said, "Two."
Little Johnny was dejected.
"Aw, if you'd said *five* I
had a great joke for you!"

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WHAT MOTHER DOES FOR A LIVING

The teacher in Johnny's class
asked the class what their
mothers did for a living.
One little girl said her mother
was a doctor, another said her
mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny's
turn, he stood up and said "My
mom's a whore."
Naturally, after that remark, he
got sent off to the principal's
office. Then, 15 minutes later,
he returned. So the teacher
asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"
Johnny said "Yes"
"Well, what did the principal
say?"
"He said that every job is
important in our economy,
gave me an apple and asked for her phone number."

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DON'T WORRY

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after after class one day, she asked,
"Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.

Holding back urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you," he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "Don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy replied reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

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NIZE JOHNNY

Little johnny walked up to his dad's room while his dad was working on his laptop. '' Dad '' Johnny said '' Remember when u said you'll give me 20 BUCKS if i passed my maths test? ''. Dad nodded and said yes. '' WELL THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT I JUST SAVED U 20 BUCKS ''.

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DADDY AND AUNTY JANE

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane k!ssing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND, " Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his
p@nts off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy, " At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, I suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

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JOHNNY'S PRAYER AT DINNER

At dinner time, Johnny, a little boy was ordered by his mother to lead in prayer.

Johnny: But I don't know what to pray about?

Dad: just pray for your family members.

"Dear Lord," Johnny started, "I thank you for giving me such lovely parents as mum and dad. Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and iced cream. Bless them so that they won't come again. I pray you forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming christmas, please Lord, send clothes to all those poor nak£d ladies on my daddy's phone and provide shelter for the homeless men who always use mom's room when daddy is at work. AMEN!"and there was no response!

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CYCLING TO SCHOOL

The topic for today's English lesson was conjuction,

Teacher explains: "conjuctions are used to link or join two words, phrases or sentences." (while the teacher was teaching, she noticed that Johnny was not paying attention to her. She then decides to ask him a question.)

Teacher: Johnny, join these two sentences together. I was cycling to school, I saw a dead body.

Johnny: (thinking for a while) I saw a dead body cycling to school.

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DON'T MESS UP WITH AUNTY KAREN

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment. "Get your parents to tell you a true life story with a moral at the end of it", she said.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Mercy said, "My father is a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying

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THE YOGURT DRINK

One day, Johnny and his sister, Janet were playing in the garden when they suddenly found a
c¤nd¤m, thinking it was a balloon. They went inside the house and showed it to their mother.

Johnny: mummy, mummy, mummy see this kind of special balloon we found in the garden.

Mother: come on, go and throw that thing away. Don't play with this kind of balloon again.

Johnny and Janet went to the garden and had a short conversation...

Janet: Thank God we did not tell her that we drank the yogurt inside it.

Johnny: Thank God o. The yogurt is very sweet.

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WHAT IS COURTING?

Little Johnny was only seven years old,
and like other boys his age,
rather curious. He had been
hearing quite a bit about
courting from other boys and he
wondered what it was and how
it was done. One day he took his
questions to his mother, and
she became flustered. Instead of
explaining things to Johnny she
told him to hide behind the
curtain one night and watch his
older sister and her boyfriend.
This he did, and the following
morning Johnny described
everything to his mother.
Sis and her boyfriend sat and
talked for awhile, then he
turned off most of the lights.
Then he started to kiss and hug
her, I figured sis must be
getting sick because her face
started looking funny. He must
have thought so too because he
put his hand inside her blouse to
feel her heart, just like the
doctor would. Except he's not as
good as the doctor, because he
seemed to have trouble finding
her heart.
He was getting sick too, because
pretty soon both of them
started panting and getting all
out of breath. His other hand
must have been getting cold
because he put it under her
skirt. About this time, sis got
toward the end of the couch.
This was when the fever started.
I know it was a fever because sis
told him that she was really
HOT.
Finally, I found out what was
making them so sick.... a big eel
had gotten inside his pants
somehow. It just jumped out of
his pants and stood there about
9 inches long. HONEST! Anyway,
he grabbed it in one hand to
keep it from getting away.
When sis saw it she got really
scared. Her eyes got big and her
mouth fell open, and she started
calling out to God and stuff like
that. I should tell her about the
ones I saw at the lake!
"Anyway," sis got brave and
tried to kill the eel by biting its
head off. All of a sudden, she
made a noise and let the eel
go... I guess it bit her back. Then
she grabbed it with both hands
and held it tight while he took a
muzzle out of his pocket and
slipped it over the eel's head to
keep it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs
so she could get a scissor lock
on it. And he helped by laying on
top of the eel. The eel put up a
hell of a fight. Sis started
groaning and squealing and her
boyfriend almost upset the
couch. I guess they wanted to
kill the eel by squishing it
between them.
After a while they both quit
moving and gave a great sigh.
Her boyfriend sat up and sure
enough they had killed the eel...
I knew it was dead because it
just hung there limp and some
of its insides were hanging out.
Sis and her boyfriend were a
little tired from the battle, but
they went on courting anyway.
He started hugging and kissing
her again. And by golly, the eel
wasn't dead after all. It jumped
straight up and started to fight
again. I guess eels are like super mario....
they have nine lives or
something.
This time sis jumped up and
tried to kill the eel by sitting on
it. After about 35 minutes of
struggle, they finally killed the
eel. I know it was dead this time
because I saw sis's boyfriend
peel off the skin and flush it
down the toilet.

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A BET WITH DADDY AND TEACHER

Little Johnny likes gambling a lot. One day his father gets a new job so his entire family has to move to a new city. Johnny's daddy thinks, "I've got to put a stop to Johnny's gambling" when his father got to register him in a new school he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes gambling a lot so you'll have to keep an eye on him." The teacher says "OK, I can handle it." The next day Johnny walks into the class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny." She says, "Yes, I know who you are." Johnny smiles and says, “I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt." The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet. She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole. That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why. So his dad calls the teacher and says, “Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost." The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem.” Johnny's dad laughs and says, “No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he would see your ass before the day was over."

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IT DEPENDS

One day, the teacher was reviewing counting with her first grade class. "Junior," she asked, "can you count your numbers from 1 to 10 without mistakes?" "yes," answered Junior and he counted 1 to 10.
"Now Johnny, can you count from 10 to 20?" "It depends," answered Johnny, "With or without mistakes?"

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THE AIR FLIGHT

During an air travel a stranger was sitting next to Little Johnny in the plane when the the stranger turned to Little Johnny and said, "Let us talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." "Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"

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MY SCHOOL DAYS ARE OVER!!!

One day Johnny's teacher was teaching when a boy in the class just started laughing. The teacher gets angry and asks the boy: "Why did u laugh?"
The boy answered, "I saw one strap of your bra"
The teacher gets angry and shouted at the boy, "STAY OUT OF THE CLASSROOM FOR A WEEK!!
After some minutes, another boy started to laugh. The teacher asked again, "why did you laugh?"
The boy answered, : I saw both straps of the bra you're wearing. The teacher gets even more angry and shouted louder "GET OUT, AND I MUST NOT SEE YOU IN MY CLASS FOR A MONTH!!!"
The teacher hisses and continues teaching. After some time, She bent down to pick up a piece of chalk, Little Johny started walking out of the classroom. The teacher shouted in anger, "Johny, why are you going out?!!! Little Johny replied her, "Judging from what I just saw, I think my school days are over for this term.

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GOING TO HAVE A WIFE

One sunday morning in the Sunday School class, little Johnny's teacher was
teaching about how God created
Everything, including animals and human
beings. Little Johnny seemed
especially intent when they
told him how Eve was
created out of one of Adam's
ribs. Later in the week his
mother noticed him lying
down as if he was ill,
so she asked, "Johnny, what is the
matter with you?"
Little Johnny responded, "I'm feeling
pains in my side. I think
I'm going to have a wife."

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LITTLE HAIR, SO MUCH HAIR

One day, little Johnny was eating breakfast in the morning. He started to think about things, and asked,
"Mommy, why does Daddy have so little hair on his head?"
"He thinks a lot, dear" replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a such good answer to her husband's baldness.
"Mummy, I think that explains why you have so much hair" said Johnny.

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WHY JOHNNY FAILED ARITHMETIC

One day, Johnny returns from school and told his father that he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6."

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

"That was exactly what I asked her!"

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LUNCH MONEY

Mother: Why did you swallow the money I gave you?

Johnny: You said it was my lunch money

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