DRUNK HUSBAND|NAGGING WIFE

A drunk came home very late and
sat on the Door step for thirty
minutes trying to figure out
what to tell his harsh and super
strict wife the reason for his
lateness.
He gained Courage, Opened the
Door, and found his wife and son
watching a late Night movie. He
passed them and Went Upstairs,
his heart pounding hard. To his
surprise, his wifedidn't say a
word. Just to confirm, he decided
to walk past them, and again
back to the Upstairs corridor. But
his wife Didn't say a word. He
signal his son to come. And he
asked him; How come today your
mother Isn't speaking?. or even
uttering
a word! The boy replied; she
asked Me for LIPSTICK and
Imistakingly gave her SUPER
GLUE.......

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WHO IS THAT MAN?

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who's this guy on the beach with you, with all the muscles and curly hair?" "That's your father," said the mother. The boy seemed astonished as he said to his mom, "Then who's that old bald-headed fat man that lives with us now?"

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NOT IN TALKING TERMS

A man comes back from work at night and heads straight to the bedroom to make love to his wife. When done, he goes straight to the kitchen to fetch himself a bottle of cold drink only to find his wife there looking for something in the frigde. He asks his wife how she quickly made it to the kitchen when they've just finished making love. His wife says 'haaa!!! That was my mother in the bedroom?, she was so tired when she arrived' I let her sleep in our room. Alarmed, she runs to her mother and asks her why she didn't say something when her husband was making love to her. Mother replies and said: 'you know your husband and I are not in talking terms. So i didn't want to be the one to talk to him first!!!

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FAMILY PROBLEMS

Two men, one American and
an Indian were sitting in a
bar drinking shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the
American, "You know my
parents are forcing me to
get married to this so called
homely girl from a village
whom I haven't even met
once."
We call this arranged
marriage.
... I don't want to marry a
woman whom I don't love... I
told them that openly
and now have a hell lot of
family problems."
The American said, talking
about love marriages... well…
I'll tell you my story.
I married a widow whom I
deeply loved and dated for 3
years.
"After a couple of years, my
father fell in love with my
step-daughter and so my
father became my son-in-law
and I became my father's
father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is
my mother and my wife my
grandmother.
More problems occurred
when I had a son. My son is
my father's brother and
so he is my uncle.
Situations turned worse
when my father had a son.
Now my father's son i.e. my
brother is my grandson.
Ultimately, I have become my
own grand father and I am
my own grandson…..
And you are saying that you
have family
problems……..Oh.. Come
on…..!!!!!!

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GRANDMA IS DEAD

Son: mum I thought grandma is dead?

Mum: thunder fire you! It's your own mama go die first

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NIZE JOHNNY

Little johnny walked up to his dad's room while his dad was working on his laptop. '' Dad '' Johnny said '' Remember when u said you'll give me 20 BUCKS if i passed my maths test? ''. Dad nodded and said yes. '' WELL THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT I JUST SAVED U 20 BUCKS ''.

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THE THREE GIFTS

Three sons left home, went out
on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they
discussed the gifts they were
able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big
house for our Mother." The
second said, "I sent her a
Mercedes with a driver." The
third smiled and said, "I've got
you both beat. You remember
how Mom enjoyed reading the
Bible? And you know she can't
see very well any more. I sent
her a remarkable parrot that
recites the entire Bible. It took
Elders in the church 12 years to
teach him. He's one of a kind.
Mama just has to name the
chapter and verse, and the
parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out
her letters of thanks: "Milton,"
she wrote one son, "the house
you built is so huge. I live in only
one room, but I have to clean
the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another,
"I am too old to travel any
more. My eyesight isn't what it
used to be. I stay most of the
time at home, so I rarely use the
Mercedes. And the driver is so
rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to
her third son, "you have the
good sense to know what your
Mother likes. The chicken was
delicious!"

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THE DAM FISH

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish... He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale." A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish." The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish... His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said,"Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that." The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone wassitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish... His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fu*king potatoes!"

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THE WATCH

Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed the brand new shiney watch Jimmy was wearing. "Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked. "Nope," Jimmy replied. "Well did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked. "Nope." "You didn't steal it did you?" "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mum and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were on the job. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me." Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents room until he heard the unmistakeable noises of lovemaking. Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily; "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied. "Well stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his father returning to the job in hand.

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DADDY AND AUNTY JANE

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane k!ssing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND, " Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his
p@nts off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy, " At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, I suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

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Mum" said a 5 year old Boy to his Mother "Do all Angels fly? Mother: Yes Dear, why do you ask..? Boy: Well yesterday while you were at the Salon, Dad called our New House Girl an Angel, will she fly too? Mother: Yes Dear, she will fly to their Village tomorrow Morning and never come Back.

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THAT'S NOT FAIR, DAD

A boy caught his dad red handed with their maid making l0v£ and his dad gave him 500 naira (nigerian currency) not to tell his mum. Almost refusing the money, the boy said: dad, that's not fair, mum gave me 1000 naira when I caught her with our gate man.

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I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T KNOW IT

One day, a mother called her child and asked him, 4 x 4 and the boy said twelve. The mother got annoyed and started beating him. Just then the dad came in and asked what the problem was, then the mother answerd "I asked him just 4 x 4 and he doesn't know the answer", then the dad asked his wife,"what is the answer?" The mum said its 14. Then the dad said" GOD has saved you, I thought you didn't know it".

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LIE DETECTING ROBOT

A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people who as soon as they tell a lie. He decided to test it at dinner...

Dad: Son where were you today during school hours?

Johnny: At school (robot slaps son)

Johnny: Okay, I was watching pokemon.

Dad: What?!! When I was at your age I didn't even know about pokemon (robot slaps dad)

Mom: Hahahaha! after all he is your son (robot slaps mom)

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DARK IN HERE

A woman was having an affair with another man during the day while her husband was at work. Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman's husband unexpectedly comes home. She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy was in there already.
The little Boy says: 'Dark in here.'
The Man says: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!'
Man: 'OK, how much?' Boy: '$150'

A few weeks later it happened again and the boy and the lover were in the cupboard together again.

Boy: 'Dark in here'.
Man: 'Yes, it is.' Boy: 'I have soccer boots.'
The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: 'How much?' The Boy says:'$350'
The Man says: 'Fine, I will buy them.'

A few days later, the Father says to the boy: 'Grab your ball and boots, let's go outside and have a game.' The Boy says: 'I can't, I sold them for $500.' The Father says: 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that... $500 is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your sins.' They went to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The Boy says: 'Dark in here.' The Priest says: 'Don't start that sh!t again!' THIS IS MY CHURCH NOT YOUR FATHER'S HOUSE.

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A LADY PICKED THE PHONE

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit; she instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who is at site. After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady who picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile. She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot and undiluted hot slap, while the man was trying to ask why? She repeated the slap, people from neighbourhood rushed to know the cause of this. The man asked junior to tell everybody what the lady who picked the call said. Junior said; "the number you are trying to call is not reachable at the moment. .please try again later

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I DISGRACED HIS FAMILY

A young girl was going on her first date. Her grandma said, "sit down and let me tell you about young boys of nowadays. He will to try to kiss you, you'll like it but don't let him do that. He will try to touch your breast, you'll like it but don't let him do that. Most importantly, he will try to get ontop of you to have his way with you, you'll like it but don't let him do that, it will disgrace our family....."

Wit that bit of advice, the girl went on her date. The next day,she told her grandma that her date went just like she predicted. The girl said, "grandma, I didnt let him disgrace this family. When he tried, i just turned, got ontop of him and disgraced his family!!!"

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MR. FASH'S FAMILY

Mr and Mrs Fash have two children, a boy and a girl and they tried to instill good moral characters in them. One day their son peter, who is five, came home from school and asked a question that left both parents stupefied.

Peter: Mommy, Daddy what is a penis?...... Both parents did not know what to say, but in order to please him the father answered. "You see that umbrella in the corner ?, that is what a penis is."

Peter: But, Daddy, that was not what James said it was in school.
Mr. Fash: Would James know more than I do ?
Peter: I guess not daddy.

Two days later, Peter came home and asked his parents another question......

Peter: Mommy, Daddy, what is a vagina? The parents were once again surprised that a five year old would come back home from school and ask such questions from them, so they answered like good christians......

Mr. Fash: Peter, you see that doll that your sister is playing with, that doll's name is vagina.... Peter once again accepted his parents answer.
About a week later, peter came back from school and asked another question.

Peter: Mommy, Daddy, what is fuck!ng? This time around the parents were really upset that the teachers at their children's school are not really teaching the children good morales, but in order to make him stop asking them the question over and over again, the mother replied him.

Mrs. Fash: Peter my son, you see when people sleep, we say they are fuck!ng.
Peter accepted his mother's answer thinking adults know all. But all the false answers the parents kept giving their son backfired one rainy day when their pastor came to visit.

Knock, Knock

Since the parents were in their room sleeping, and only Peter and his sister were in the living room, Peter answered the door. The pastor had his umbrella with him.

Peter: Good afternoon Pastor.
Pastor: Good afternoon my son.

Since the Pastor's umbrella was dripping water on the floor, Peter said... "Pastor I think you should go hang your penis at the corner over there."
The Pastor was flabbergasted, thinking what kind of Christian home this was, but he didn't say anything.

Pastor: Peter, where is your sister? Since his sister was in the Den playing with her doll, Peter replied.... "She's in the Den playing with her vagina!"

The Pastor was again surprised and getting uncomfortable since he knew that Mr. and Mrs. Fash were a God fearing couple and he asked for them to tell them his experience with their son, Peter.

Pastor: Peter, my boy, where are your parents?

Since both parents were in their room sleeping, Peter replied the Pastor as his parents had told him

Peter: Mommy and Daddy are in their room Fuck!ng! The Pastor left in such a hurry he forgot his umbrella behind!

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MY EXPERIENCE WITH MY MOTHER-IN LAW

A week before my wedding to Jane, a young beautiful girl, I was summoned by her equally beautiful Mother, my soon to be mother in- law. I was asked to come over to her house ASAP and I obliged by rushing over to her house. I arrived to find my soon to be new Mother in-Law scantily dressed and lying on the sofa asking me to come and sleep with her. After I informed her that I was uncomfortable with her request and that she must be forgetting that I was about to marry her only daughter, I was re- assured that I did not have to worry about all that. She assured me that my affair with her would be handled with the utmost secrecy and besides, I was reminded that she was every man's fantasy! After a brief pause, I bolted out the door like a "Bat Outta Hell" rushing towards my car where I found her Husband, my soon to be new Father In-Law, sitting on the bonnet of my car. Needless to say, I was stunned! He stood up, hugged me, applauded me and told me he was proud of me and now truly confident that his only daughter made the right choice in picking me as her intended husband. He told me that he put his wife up to testing me by inviting me over for an affair. Phew!!!, I sighed as I drove away thanking my stars that he stopped me before I got to my private stash of condoms that I was rushing for in the boot of my car!!!

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YOU'LL IMPREGNATE HER AGAIN

A young girl missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later an hummer jeep stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll sleep with her again!"

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