A JOKE ON SIDE EFFECTS

John was sick, so the doctor gave him a tablet.

He started cutting the sides of the tablet.

Doctor asked: "Why are you cutting the sides...??"

John replies: "To avoid side effects...!!!"

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ONE HUNDRED PERCENT ASSURANCE OF RECOVERY

Patient: "What are the
chances of my recovering
doctor?"
Doctor: "One hundred
percent. Medical records
show that nine out of ten
people die of the disease
you have. Yours is the tenth
case I've treated;
the others all died."

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JUST DECIDED TO CHECK ON YOU

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre door to go in and check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations. When a third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?" The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor and just decided to check on you."

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MENTAL CASE, it's been like that for years.

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything." The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

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CURED OF MADNESS

A psychiatrist wanted to know how many of his patients have been cured of madness, so he assembled them in a classroom and drew a big door on the blackboard. He told the class that̴̶̲̣̣̣̥̩̩̩̥̲̥̅̊ ̲̅if anyone can open ddoor on the board, that person will receive a gift of N20,000 and will be free to go home. On hearing this, they all rushed to the board to open the door, except one young man who remained in his seat at the back smiling. The psychiatrist, with joy and excitement on his face seeing Dα̲̅ƭ somebody has been cured of madness, went to himand asked, why didn't you join your mates to open d door? The young man replied, don't mind those mad people, they are just fooling themselves, they don't know that I have the key with me in my pocket.

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THIRTEEN

A young man was strolling
down a street. As he passed a
large building with a fence
around it, he heard a group of
people chanting "Thirteen,
thirteen, thirteen" over and over
again.
Curious, he tried to see over the
fence, but couldn't. Then he
spotted a hole in the wood.
He put his eye to the hole. He
just managed to spy some old
people sitting in deckchairs
chanting, before a finger came
out of nowhere and poked him
in the eye. As he staggered back,
the old people started chanting,
"Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."

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LARRY'S BAR

A man goes to a shrink and says,
"Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to
me. Every evening, she goes to
Larry's bar and picks up men. In
fact, She sleeps with anybody
who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a
deep breath and calm down.
Now, tell me, exactly where is
Larry's bar?"

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KILL TO ESCAPE

Two mad men in a psychiatric
hospital escaped out of their
wards. They knew the guards at
the gate won't allow them to
escape out out of the hospital,
so, both of them decided that
they'll kill the guards and run out
of the hospital, so they headed
for the gate with a knife each.
When they got to the gate, the
guards were not there and the
gates were not locked. One of
the guys said to the other: shit!
Where are these stupid guards
for God's sake?
The second guy replied him:
I'm sure they've gone to eat,
Let's hide there, we'll kill them
and run out as soon as they
show up.

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ALWAYS BE NICE TO YOUR NURSE

When you're hospitalized, it
pays to be nice
to your nurse, even when you're
feeling miserable.


A very rich and arrogant businessman learned this moral
the hard way


This business man was ill and was given a long term admission into an hospital. He kept commanding and
ordering his nurses around and shouting on them as if
they were his
employees. They all angrily ignored him, but the head nurse
stood up to him.
One morning she entered his
room and announced,
"I have to take your
temperature." After complaining
for several minutes, the angry business man finally
settled down,
crossed his arms and opened his
mouth.
"No, I'm
sorry, the nurse stated, "but for
this reading,
I can't use an oral
thermometer." This started
another round of complaining,
but eventually
the rolled over and pulled his trouser leaving
his bottom bared and naked. After feeling,
the nurse insert the
Instrument into his buttocks, he heard her
announce, "I have to get
something. Now you stay
just like that until I get back!"
She left the door to his room
open on her way
out, and he cursed under his
breath as he heard
people walking past his door
laughing. After
almost an hour, the man's
doctor came into the
room. "What's going on here?"
asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered,
"What's the matter,
Doc? Haven't you ever seen
someone having their
temperature taken?" "Yes," said
the doctor. "But
never with a pen the buttocks."

Moral lesson: Always Be Nice To Your Nurse !!

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10 MILLION DOLLARS $

An old woman who was about 90 years of age who is hypertensive won a 10 million dollars Jackpot. The children are worried about how to disclose the news to her, because of her hypertensive condition and they don't want her to die. They finally decided to inform their family Doctor who has been taking care of the old woman. On hearing the news, the Doctor said "Don't worry, I'm a trained professional in this field just bring her, I know how to disclose such news to a patient in that kind of situation." Now when the old woman arrived, the Doctor told her to sit down, and so, the woman sat down facing the Doctor.

Doctor: mama, if it happens that you win up to 10 million dollars what will do with it?

Grandma: Hmmm! Doctor, you know you have been so nice to me, If I win 10 million dollars, I will give you half of it.

The doctor shouted meeee!!! He fell down and died.

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JUST LEAVE ME ALONE

A surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves and a pair of scissors inside you." "Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them, you just leave me alone."

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YOU'LL DIE OF PNEUMONIA

Patient: Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus.

Doctor: Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will surely die of pneumonia."

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DON'T WORRY, I CAN CURE PNEUMONIA

A man suffering from a terrible cold went to see his doctor. The doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help. On his next visit to the hospital, the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good too. On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft." "But doctor," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia." "I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."

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SHORT TIME TO LIVE

A man goes to his doctor for a complete medical checkup. He has not been feeling well for a while and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the medical examination. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time to live," the doctor says. "Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks. "10..." says the doctor. "10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately. "10...9...8...7...6..."

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HUNG TO DRY

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

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THE BR£AST EXAMINATION

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first examination. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," she replied. "Well, strip down (pull off) to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both br£asts for a very long time, in a very professional and detailed examination. After having a nice time with her he told her to get dressed. He then said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

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THE BIRD

There was this guy sunbathing nak£d at the beach. A little girl comes up to him, so he used a newspaper to cover his privat£ part. The little girl says, "What"s under there?" So the man answers, "A bird." The girl goes away and the man falls asleep. When he wakes up; he finds himself in a hospital and in great pain. A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, "What happened?" The man answers, "I don"t know. I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl." So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the beach to find any witnesses. When they get there, they see the little girl the man was talking about. So they ask her if she did anything to the man. She answers, "I didn"t do anything to the man, but while he was sleeping, I played with his bird. After a while, it spit at me, so I broke its neck, burned its nest, and smashed it's two eggs ...

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NO WEAPON

A baby boy was born yesterday at Queens Hospital laughing instead of crying,.. the more the mid-wifes beat him the more he laughs like crazy. Suddenly the doctor noticed he had something in his hand, so he pulled the tiny hand open and discovers he was holding three abortion pills.....The baby looked at his mother and said "NO WEAPON FASHIONED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER.

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THE OXYGEN TUBE

Mr. Fred was in the hospital, near death and couldn't talk, so the family sent for his pastor. As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred's frail and pale condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Fred used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died. The pastor thought it was best not to look at the note immediately, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral ceremony, the pastor delivered the eulogy. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he had worn the day Fred died.
"You know," he said, "ol Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He unfolded the note and read aloud, "Pastor, you're standing on my oxygen tube!!"

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ONLY 3 SPOONS

There was a guy who was sick, he went to the doctor and said "doctor I have a fever" the doctor said "you will have to take 4 spoons of this medicine" the sick one said " but doctor, i only have 3 spoons what shall i do?"

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