FRUSTRATED PRINCIPAL

A frustrated principal said to
his students on a monday
morning at the assembly
ground; Since the Genesis of
this term, some students
have been Exodusing home
early and i will use my
Levitical power to
Deuteronomise their
Numbers. To do this, i have
appointed Joshua as one of
the Judges, Ruth and Samuel
as Kings. To chronicle the
event is Ezra. Nehemiah and
Esther will complete the Job
and they shall all sing in
Psalms and speak in Proverbs.

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ENGLISH STUDENT

During a hostel inspection, a student whose bed
was untidy had the following conversation with
the house master who happens to be his english
teacher.

Master : Why is your bed untidy?

Student: I don't know Sir.

Master : Are you Mad?

Student: That's a question sir.

Master : Don't be stupid.

Student: Thanks for the advice sir.

Master : Get out of the Hostel.

Student: That's acommand sir.

Master : Goodness!!!!

Student: That's an exclamation.sir

Master : May God have mercy on you.

Student : That's a prayer sir, Thank you sir, for
wishing me well.

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BARRAC OBAMA JOKE

Barack Obama at a recent rural
elementary school assembly in
East Texas , asked the audience
for total quiet. Then, in the
silence, he started to slowly clap
his hands once every few
seconds, holding the audience in
total silence.
Then he said into the
microphone, 'Children, every
time I clap my hands together, a
child in America dies from gun
violence.'
Then, little Johnny , with a
proud East Texas drawl, pierced
the quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-
ass, stop clapping!'

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TELL ME MY NAME

A young college student had
stayed up all night studying for
his zoology test the next day. As
he entered the classroom, he
saw ten stands with ten birds
on them. Each bird had a sack
over its head; only the legs were
showing. He sat straight in the
front row because he wanted to
do the best job possible. The
professor announced that the
test would be to look at each of
the birds' legs and give the
common name, habitat, genus
and species.
The student looked at each of
the birds' legs. They all looked
the same to him. He began to
get upset. He had stayed up all
night studying and now had to
identify birds by their legs. The
more he thought about it the
madder he got.
Finally he could stand it no
longer. He went up to the
professor's desk and said, "What
a stupid test! How could anyone
tell the difference between birds
by looking at their legs?" With
that the student threw his test
on the professor's desk and
walked to the door.
The professor was surprised.
The class was so big that he
didn't know every student's
name so as the student reached
the door the professor called,
"Mister, what's your name?"
The enraged student pulled up
his pant legs and said, "You tell
me buddy! You tell me!"

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POSITIVE, COMPARATIVE AND SUPERLATIVE

A teaching practice teacher
was preparing for the arrival
of his invigilator, so he
decided to use the adjective
comparative and superlative
drill to rehearse well with the
pupils. He arranged with the
pupils that he would shout
out the positive and they
would all chorus the
comparative and the
superlative.
Here is how it all went on
when the invigilator was
around:
Akpos : Big!
Pupils: Bigger Biggest!
Akpos : Small!
Pupils: Smaller Smallest!
Akpos : Tall!
Pupils: Taller Tallest!
Akpos : Short!
Pupils: Shorter Shortest!
and so on. Now it's time for
the teacher to stop this
interesting exercise, so he
shouted 'stop' at the peak of
the exercise and the pupils
with all enthusiasm chorused:
Stopper Stoppest!
Akpos (out of
disappointment): What?
Pupils: Whater whatest!
Akpos : (frustrated) OK!
Pupils: Oker Okest!
Akpos : (Extremely angry)
shouted STUPID!
Pupils: Stupider Stupidest.
Here, the invigilator decided
to intervene.
Invigilator: (Shouted) SILENCE!
Pupil: Silencer Silencest!

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WHAT THE MEN AND THE LADIES WROTE

At the college, male & female
students were told to
individually write a sentence
using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

In summary, this is what the Females wrote:
"When two mature people are
passionately and deeply in love
with
one another to a high degree and
that they respect each other very
much,
then, it is spiritually and morally
acceptable to the society that
they both engage themselves in
the act of physical sex with one
another."

In summary, this is what the
Men wrote:
"I love sex"!

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FIVE DOMESTIC ANIMALS

Teacher: Name five domestic animals.
Johnny: Dog, cat, cow and two goats.

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WHO SAID...?

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said ' Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave." Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these foolish people would keep their dirty mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "It's me, CAN I GO NOW?"

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WHAT MOTHER DOES FOR A LIVING

The teacher in Johnny's class
asked the class what their
mothers did for a living.
One little girl said her mother
was a doctor, another said her
mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny's
turn, he stood up and said "My
mom's a whore."
Naturally, after that remark, he
got sent off to the principal's
office. Then, 15 minutes later,
he returned. So the teacher
asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"
Johnny said "Yes"
"Well, what did the principal
say?"
"He said that every job is
important in our economy,
gave me an apple and asked for her phone number."

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YOU NEED TO FOCUS

Teacher: John, who is the
President of Iraq?
John: I don't know.
Teacher: You need to focus
more on your studies.
John: Yes Ma.
Then John to the Teacher:
John: Madam, do you know
Rita?
Teacher: No I don't.
John: Ma, I think you need to
focus more on your
husband!!....

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DON'T WORRY

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after after class one day, she asked,
"Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.

Holding back urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you," he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "Don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy replied reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

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SUPERNATURAL LESSON

A professor at the University wasgiving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks “How many people here believe in ghosts?”
About 90 students raised their
hands.

“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raised their hands. “That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this
seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”

About 15 students raise their hands. “Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”
3 students raise their hands.
“That’s fantastic.

Now let me ask you one question further. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
Way in the back, Akpos raised his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says, “All the years
I’ve been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, “So, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?”

He replied, “Ghossst????
Shiiiiit! From way back there I thought you said,”Goats!”

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NIZE JOHNNY

Little johnny walked up to his dad's room while his dad was working on his laptop. '' Dad '' Johnny said '' Remember when u said you'll give me 20 BUCKS if i passed my maths test? ''. Dad nodded and said yes. '' WELL THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT I JUST SAVED U 20 BUCKS ''.

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THE UNPREDICTABLE GIFT

At the end of the school year, the
kindergarten was saying farewell
and accepting small gifts from
her pupils who were sad to be
leaving.
The son of d florist handed her
something – which she took and
held over her head. “I know
what dis is. It’s
flowers!”“Yes,” said d boy.
“How did you know
that?”“Just a guess,” she
told him.The next student was
the daughter of the candy shop
owner.
The teacher took her gift and
once again placed it over her
head. “I know what this
is,”she said. “A box full of
candy!”“Yes,” said the
daughter. “How did you know
that?”“Just a guess,” she
told her.
The next student was the son
from the owner of the liquor
store.The teacher took the gift
and placed it over her head again
and found that it was leaking.
She touched the drop that fell on
her hand and placed it on her
tongue.“Is it wine?”
“No,”said the boy, who was
excited that she couldn’t
guess.The teacher then tried to
taste even more of the
leakage.“What about
champagne?”No”I give up,”
said the teacher. With excitement
the boy told her,“It’s a
puppy!"

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A COMPLETE SESSION

On the first day of college, the dean/principal addresses the students pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined N200 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined N600. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of N1800. ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?". To this, a male student in the crowd inquires: "HOW MUCH FOR A COMPLETE SESSION?"

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TOP FIVE ANSWERS

Top five answers teachers give to their students if they don't know the answer to a question.


1) I Think The Question Is Wrong..

2) I Will Tell You Tomorrow..

3) Don't Ask Foolish Questions..

4)You Will Study This In The Next
Class..

And The Most Important One Is:

5)Nice Question, Raise Your
Hands

Who Knows The Answer :)

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SIXTH AND SEVENTH SENSE

An integrated science lecturer was about lecturing his students on the human senses. Before the lesson, the lecturer wanted to know how if his students have an idea of the topic so he decides to ask questions...

Lecturer: how many senses does a human have.

John:- "5 sir! "

Lecturer:- "sorry, you don't seem to know that there is a 6th sense which is called common sense... which you don't seem to have.."

John:- "sir, there is 7th sense also... that NON-SENSE which you're talking..."

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ADVANTAGES OF BR£@$T MILK

An unprepared agricultural science student sat in the examination hall staring at a difficult question which was: "Give 4 advantages of
br£@$t milk"...he sighed and began to write whatever came into his head. This was what he wrote:

1. No need to boil
2. Never goes sour
3. Available whenever necessary..
He didn't know what next to write but the examination question demanded four answers and so he thought very hard... Suddenly he brightened up,grabbed his pen and wrote down...

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes..

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LEARN TO PAY ATTENTION

A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table. The professor tells the class “In Veterinary Medicine, there are two qualities you must possess as a doctor – the first of which is a strong stomach. You cannot, under any circumstance, be disgusted by anything involving an animal’s body. For example, the Professor pulls back the sheet and sticks his finger right inside the dead cow's buttocks , pulls out his finger and sticks it in his mouth. The students just stand there, paralyzed and surprised at what they see. “Now, go ahead and do the same thing, each of you,” the professor says. Freaked out, the students take several minutes but eventually taking turns sticking their fingers up into the anal cavity of the dead cow, and then sucking on them. Once everyone is finished, the Professor continues on with his lesson. “Now, the second important quality you must possess is a keen observation. You see, I stuck in my middle finger up the cow's butt, and I sucked on my index finger. Now, learn to pay attention.”

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SMART STUDENTS, SMARTER LECTURER

There were four students of the University of Cambridge, who had an exam to write for the next day, but during the day's evening, they were tempted to visit a night club believing that they will get home before dawn to read their books, but unfortunately, they got so drunk and slept till late the next morning. when they woke up, they thought of what to do or say to the lecturer to let them sit for the exam the next day, One of them later came up with an idea, they smeared themselves with mud and went to the lecturer, they lied to him that they went for a wedding and that on their way back, one of the tyres burst and they tried throughout the evening to fix it but they couldn't, so they had no time to read, the lecturer pitied them and decided to let them sit for the exam in the next three days, they were so happy and thanked him so much. so, on the designated day, they came to the lecturer's office and he told them that they will stay in different halls for the exam, each person will be in a hall, they agreed, since they have crammed the entire textbook. so the question sheet was shared the INSTRUCTION was: You all must answer all the questions corrctly and if one person fails to answer one question correctly, the four of them will get zero. QUESTIONS

1. what is the name of the bride and bridegroom at the wedding you attended?

2. where did the wedding take place?

3. which car did you drive to the wedding?

4. who was driving?

5. which tyre burst?
Good Luck...

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