COURT CASE

Two young guys appear in
court after being arrested for
smoking Marijuana.
The judge says, 'You seem like
nice young men, and I'd like
to give you a second chance
instead of jail time. I want
you to go out this weekend
and try to convince others of
the evils of drug use. I'll see
you back in court Monday.'
On Monday, the judge asks
the first guy, 'How did you do
over the weekend?'
'Well, your honor, I
persuaded 17 people to give
up drugs forever.'
'Seventeen people? That's
wonderful. How did you do
it?'
'I used a diagram, your
honor. I drew two circles like
this: O o. Then I told them
that the big circle is your
brain before drugs and the
small circle is your brain after
drugs.'
'That's admirable,' says the
judge. Then he turns to the
second guy. 'And how did you
do?'
'Well, your honor, I
persuaded 156 people to give
up drugs forever.'
'Wow!' says the judge. '156
people! How did you manage
to do that?'
'Well, I used a similar
diagram,' the guy says. 'I
drew two circles like this: o O.
Then I pointed to the little
circle and said, 'This is your
asshole before prison."

Read more ...

ZODIAC PREDICTIONS| YOUR JOB TITLE

Astrology tells us about you and
your future simply by your
birthday. The Chinese Zodiac
uses the year of your birth.
Demographics tell us what you
like, dislike, whom you vote for,
what you buy, and what you
watch on TV. Well, the Corporate
Zodiac goes a step further:
simply by your job title, people
will have you all figured out…

Marketing: You are ambitious
yet stupid. You chose a
marketing degree to avoid
having to study in college,
concentrating instead on
drinking and socializing, which
is pretty much what your job
responsibilities are now. Least
compatible with Sales.

Sales: Laziest of all signs, often
referred to as "marketing
without a degree," you are also
self-centered and paranoid.
Unless someone calls you and
begs you to take their money,
you like to avoid contact with
"customers" so you can "
concentrate on the big picture."
You seek admiration for your
golf game throughout your life.

Technology: Unable to control
anything in your personal life,
you are instead content to
completely control everything
that happens at your workplace.
Often even YOU don’t
understand what you are
saying, but who the heck can
tell?! It is written that the geeks
shall inherit the Earth.

Engineering: One of only two
signs that actually studied in
school, it is said that ninety
percent of all personal ads are
placed by engineers. You can be
happy with yourself: your office
is typically full of all the latest
"ergodynamic" gadgets.

Accounting: The only other sign
that studied in school, you are
mostly immune from office
politics. You are the most feared
person in the organization;
combined with your extreme
organizational traits, the
majority of rumors concerning
you say that you are completely
insane.

Human Resources: Ironically,
given your access to confidential
information, you tend to be the
biggest gossip within the
organization. Possibly the only
other person that does less
work than marketing, you are
unable to return any calls today
because you have to get a
haircut, have lunch, and mail a
letter!


Senior Management: Catty, cut-
throat, yet completely spineless,
you are destined to remain at
your current job for the rest of
your life. Unable to make a
single decision you tend to
measure your worth by the
number of meetings you can
schedule for yourself. Best
suited to marry other "Senior
Managers," as everyone in your
social circle is a "Senior
Manager."

Customer Service: Bright,
cheery, positive, you are a fifty-
cent cab ride from taking your
own life. As a child very few of
you asked your parents for a
little cubicle for your room and
a headset so you could pretend
to play "Customer Service."
Continually passed over for
promotions, your best bet is to
date your boss.

Read more ...

ENGLISH LANGUAGE HUMOUR

If you can pronounce correctly
every word in this poem, you
will be speaking English better
than 90% of the native English
speakers in the world. After
trying the verses, a Frenchman
said he'd prefer six months of
hard labour to reading six lines
aloud. Try them yourself.
Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse,
and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow
dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and
heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and
Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's
written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and
ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak
and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and
toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and
Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails,
aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and
mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with
ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like
food,
Nor is mould like should and
would.
Viscous, viscount, load and
broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and
sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with
hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and
home.
Stranger does not rhyme with
anger,
Neither does devour with
clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand,
and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say
finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge
and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and
age.
Query does not rhyme with
very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth,
loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem
little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with
deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and
heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but
vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise,
pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos,
chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse
and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass,
bass.
Large, but target, gin, give,
verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour,
scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew
Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and
work.
Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your
wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed,
solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with
enough,
Though, through, plough, or
dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

Read more ...

THE LIFE OF AKPAN

The Life of AKPAN


How do you recognize Akpan in school?
He is the one who erases the notes from his book when the teacher cleans the board.


In a conversation

AKPAN : I am proud because my son is in Medical College
Friend: Really? What is he studying?
AKPAN: No, he is not studying, they are studying him.


AKPAN: People consider me as a “GOD”
Wife: How do you know?
AKPAN: When I went to the park today, everybody said, oh GOD, you have come again.



AKPAN: Why are all these people running?
Man: This is a race; the winner will get the cup.
AKPAN: If only the winner will get the Cup, why are the others running?

Read more ...

THE BUSINESS TRIP

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

Read more ...

HIJACK JOKE

A guy in plane stood up n shouted

“HIJACK!”

All passengers got scared and raised Hands

.

.

from other end Of the plane a guy shouted back

.

.

.

“Hi JOHN” :-D

Read more ...

AIR INDIA

Chikku takes a Flight to Singapore and he is Seated next to An Englishman.

.

Chiku open his Tiffin and Serves himself a Roti.

ENGLISHMAN: What is This?
Chikku: Bread India

.

Chikku then opens the Box of Jalebi.

.ENGLISHMAN: What is This?
Chikku : Sweet India

.

With all the food he Hogged on, Chikku lets out a huge Fart!

The Englishman is Offended and in Shock Asks.

.

ENGLISHMAN: What WasThat?
Chikku: Air India

Read more ...

SIGNS YOU CAN'T FIND ELSEWHERE EXCEPT IN AFRICA

This is Africa!!! Here are some signs that you won´t find anywhere else in the world except in Africa.

In a restaurant in Zambia: "Open seven days a week and weekends."

On the grounds of a private school in South Africa: "No trespassing without permission."

On a window of a Nigerian shop: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated when you can come here?"

On a poster in Ghana: "Are you an adult who cannot read? If so, we can help."

In a hotel in Mozambique: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9.00 am and 11.00am daily."

On a river in the Democratic Republic of Congo: "Take note: When this sign is submerged, the river is impassable."

In a Zimbabwean restaurant: "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

A sign seen on a hand dryer in a Lesotho public toilet: "Risk of electric shock - Do not activate with wet hands."

In a Botswana jewellery shop: "Ears pierced while you wait."

On one of the buildings of a Sierra Leonne hospital: "Mental Health Prevention Centre."

In a maternity ward of a clinic in Tanzania: "No children allowed!"

In a cemetery in Uganda: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

In a Malawi hotel: "It is forbidden to steal towels, please.

If you are not a person to do such a thing, please don´t read this notice."

A sign posted in an Algerian tourist camping park: "It is strictly forbidden on our camping site that people of different sex, for instance a man and woman, live together in one tent unless they are married to each other for that purpose."

In a Namibian nightclub: "Ladies are not allowed to have children in the bar."

In a photo studio in Chitungwiza (Zimbabwe): "Photos taken while you wait"

Read more ...

MP JOKE

Officer: What Is Your Name?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: Tell Me Properly.
Candidate: Moiet Pedro Sir

Officer: Your Father's Name?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: What Does That Mean?
Candidate: Moiet Peter Sir.

Officer: Your Native Place
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: Is It Makurdi Purum?
Candidate: No, Minna Port Sir

Officer: What Is Your Qualification?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: (angrily) What Is It?
Candidate: Metric Pass

Officer:so why do you need a job?
Candidate:M P sir

Officer:meaning?
Candidate: money problem sir

Officer: whats your personality?
Candidate: MP sir

Officer:would you explain yourself and stop wasting my time?
Candidate: monacrotic personality

Officer: I see. I will get back to you
Candidate:so sir, how's MP?

Officer: And what's that again?
Candidate: my performance

Officer: You have MP!!!
Candidate: meaning?
Officer: Mental Problem.

Read more ...

ANY MAIL FOR MIKE?

A rancher walked up to the window at the post office, where a new clerk was sorting mail. "Any mail for Mike Howe?" the rancher asked. The clerk ignored him and the rancher repeated his question in a louder voice. Without looking up, the clerk said, "No, none for your cow, and none for your horse, either."

Read more ...

THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

FEGO....
One year, I decided to
buy my mother-in-law a
cementary plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't
buy her a gift.
When she asked me
why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't
used the gift I bought
you last year!"
And that's how the
fight started.....
______________________________
__
My wife and I were
watching Who Wants
To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have
Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I
then said,
'Is that your final
answer?'
She didn't even look at
me this time, simply
saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like
to phone a friend."
And that's when the
fight started...
______________________________
__
I took my wife to a
restaurant.
The waiter, for some
reason, took my order
first.
"I'll have the rump
steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you
worried about the mad
cow?"
"Nah, she can order for
herself."
And that's when the
fight started.....
______________________________
_
My wife and I were
sitting at a table at her
high school
reunion, and she kept
staring at a drunken
man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at
a nearby table.
I asked her, " o you
know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I
understand he took to
drinking
right after we split up
those many years ago,
and I hear he
hasn't been sober
since."
"My God!" I said, "Who
would think a person
could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight
started...
______________________________
__
When our lawn mower
broke and wouldn't run,
my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get
it fixed. But, somehow I
always had
something else to take
care of first, the shed,
the boat,
making beer.. Always
something more
important to me. Finally
she
thought of a clever way
to make her point.
When I arrived home
one day, I found her
seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping
away with a tiny pair of
sewing
scissors. I watched
silently for a short time
and then went into
the house. I was gone
only a minute, and when
I came out again
I handed her a
toothbrush. I said,
"When you finish cutting
the
grass, you might as well
sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will
walk again, but I will
always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next
to me as I was flipping
channels.
She asked, "What's on
TV?"
I said, " ust."
And then the fight
started...
______________________________
__
Saturday morning I got
up early, quietly
dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly
into the garage. I
hooked up the
boat up to the van and
proceeded to back out
into a torrential
downpour. The wind
was blowing 50mph, so
I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered
that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the
house, quietly
undressed, and slipped
back
into bed. I cuddled up to
my wife's back; now
with a different
anticipation, and
whispered, "The
weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5
years replied, "And, can
you believe my
silly husband is out
fishing in that?"
And that's how the
fight started...
______________________________
_
My wife was hinting
about what she wanted
for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want
something shiny that
goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom
scale.
And then the fight
started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to
the Social Security office
to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the
counter asked me for
my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left
my wallet at
home. I told the woman
that I was very sorry,
but I would have
to go home and come
back later.
The woman said,
'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver
hair.
She said, 'That silver
hair on your chest is
proof enough for
me' and she processed
my Social Security
application.
When I got home, I
excitedly told my wife
about my experience at
the Social Security
office. She said, 'You
should have dropped
your pants. You might
have gotten disability
too.'
And then the fight
started...
______________________________
__
My wife was standing
Unclad, looking in the
bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with
what she saw and said
to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really
need you
to pay me a
compliment.'
I replied, "Your
eyesight's damn near
perfect."
And then the fight
started........
______________________________
__
I rear-ended a car this
morning...the start of a
REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of
the other car, and he
was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and
said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which
one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight
started.

Read more ...

ENGLISH LANGUAGE, ONE OF THE HARDEST LANGUAGE

English has to be one of the hardest languages to understand. Read the paragraph below and try to understand
the meaning.

Two individuals proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a
sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; Subsequently the second member of the team performed a self rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.(O_o)

In plain English what does this translate to?

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after!

Read more ...

WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE WHO DON'T SMOKE, DRINK OR GAMBLE

Beggar : Give me food

Man : I'll take you to a bar

Beggar : I don't drink, Give me food.

Man : I'll give you cigarettes.

Beggar : I don't smoke, Give me food

Man : I'll take you to the race

Beggar : I don't gamble, give me food

Man : I'll get you a sugar girl

Beggar : I only sleep with my wife, give me food

Man : I'll give you food but first, You have to come to my house

Begger : Why?

Man : I want my wife to see what happens to PEOPLE WHO SLEEP ONLY WITH THEIR WIVES AND DONT DRINK, SMOKE OR GAMBLE.

Read more ...

THE WISHES

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." *Poof!* God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ..and the tools to cross this river." *Poof!* God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...And the intelligence... To cross this river." And *Poof!* God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

Read more ...

THE CONTRACT

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from Nigeria, another from Germany, and the third from France. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it & give me a bid?" So, to the back fence they all went to check it out. First to step up was the German contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Next was the French contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Without so much as moving, the Nigerian contractor said, "$2,700." The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy," he said. "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from France."

Read more ...

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN PRISON AND WORK PLACE

WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT THE
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN WORK
AND PRISON... Maybe prison isn't so bad...

IN PRISON You spend the
majority of your time in an
8x10 cell.
AT WORK You spend most of
your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON You get three
meals a day.
AT WORK You get a break for
1 meal and you have to pay
for it.

IN PRISON You get time off
for good behavior.
AT WORK You get rewarded
for good behavior with more
work.

IN PRISON A guard locks and
unlocks all the doors for
you.
AT WORK You must carry
around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON You can watch TV
and play games.
AT WORK You get fired for
watching TV and playing
games.

IN PRISON You get your own
toilet.
AT WORK You have to share.

IN PRISON They allow your
family and friends to visit.
AT WORK You cannot even
speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON All expenses are
paid by taxpayers, with no work required by you.
AT WORK You get to pay all
the expenses to go to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON You spend most
of your life looking through
bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK You spend most of
your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON There are wardens
who are often sadistic.
AT WORK They are called
supervisors.

IN PRISON You have
unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK You get fired if you
get caught.

NOW GET BACK TO WORK!

Read more ...

HOW LONG?

A guy stuck his head into a barber's shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2hours." The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour only." The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Ken, please do me a favor, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back". A little while later, Ken returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go whenever he leaves here?" Ken looked up, with tears in his eyes and said, "To your wife at home."

Read more ...

WHERE I WAS OPERATED

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs." And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." All three put down the money excitedly. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

Read more ...

THIRTEEN

A young man was strolling
down a street. As he passed a
large building with a fence
around it, he heard a group of
people chanting "Thirteen,
thirteen, thirteen" over and over
again.
Curious, he tried to see over the
fence, but couldn't. Then he
spotted a hole in the wood.
He put his eye to the hole. He
just managed to spy some old
people sitting in deckchairs
chanting, before a finger came
out of nowhere and poked him
in the eye. As he staggered back,
the old people started chanting,
"Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."

Read more ...

AT A BAR

A very shy guy goes into a pub
on Valentine's Day night and
sees a beautiful woman sitting
alone at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up
his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?"

She responds by yelling, at the
top of her lungs, "No, I won't
sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the pub is now
staring at them. Naturally, the
guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and
apologizes. She smiles at him
and says, "I'm really sorry if I
embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

The man responds, at the top of his lungs, "No I will not pay
$200!"

Read more ...