A man buys a set of pants as gift for his wife while returning from a trip and shows it to her. The woman says,"Shit! My boss will complain that I wear the same pant everyda...
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
NIZE JOHNNY
Little johnny walked up to his dad's room while his dad was working on his laptop. '' Dad '' Johnny said '' Remember when u said you'll give me 20 BUCKS if i passed my maths test? ''. Dad nodded and said yes. '' WELL THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT I JUST SAVED U 20 BUCKS ...
Friday, January 27, 2012
THE DAMN ACCOUNT
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, '' I want to open a DAMN chequeing account '' The astonished woman replies '' I beg ur pardon sir,i must have misunderstood u.What did u say? '' '' Listen up,DAMMIT.I said i want to open a DAMN chequeing account,NOW! '' '' I'm very sorry sir,but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank '' The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager...
Thursday, January 26, 2012
BAD NEWS
At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Master Carlos, This is
Arnaldo your country house
caretaker"
Mr Carlos: "Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo.
What can I do for you? Is there a
problem?"
Arnaldo: "Um, I am just calling to
advise you, sir, that your parrot
died"
Mr Carlos: "My parrot? Dead? The
one that won the competition?"
Arnaldo: "That's ð one sir."
Mr Carlos: "Darn! That's such a
pity! I spent a small fortune on
that bird. Oh well...what...
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
BUDGET CUT
To surprise her husband, a company executive's wife decided to stop by her husband's office.....On entering the office, she saw the female secretary sitting on her husband's laps. In order to defend himself the husband quickly said
''BUDGET CUT OR NO BUDGET CUT,MANAGEMENT MUST DO SOMETHING.I AND MY SECRETARY CANNOT BE SHARING THIS OFFICE WITH JUST A SINGLE SE...
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
A WOMAN'S GREATEST MISTAKE
A wife suspected her husband was sleeping with their maid, so she laid a trap. She sent the maid to the village for weekend and didn't tell her husband. That night they went to bed. The husband woke up and gave his old story. "Excuse me dear,i want to watch Tv in the parlor", he went to the parlor first. Shortly, wife snicked into the maid's room, stripped and laid on the bed light off. She heard him come in silently and wasted...
Monday, January 23, 2012
THE UNPREDICTABLE GIFT
At the end of the school year, the
kindergarten was saying farewell
and accepting small gifts from
her pupils who were sad to be
leaving.
The son of d florist handed her
something – which she took and
held over her head. “I know
what dis is. It’s
flowers!”“Yes,” said d boy.
“How did you know
that?”“Just a guess,” she
told him.The next student was
the daughter of the candy shop
owner.
The teacher took her gift and
once again placed...
Saturday, January 21, 2012
USEFUL MARRIAGE QUOTES
It's true that most of you guys are not married yet, but yet, a few of you are, here are some quotes and some personal experiences that will help your marital life, if not now, you'll find them useful in the farthest future.
--I recently read that love is
entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife
treats me like toxic Waste
--When a man steals your wife,
there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.
- After...
Friday, January 20, 2012
cHEAP HUSBANd
As a painless and easy way to save money, a new couple decided that every time they have sex the husband will put his two coins into a china piggy bank on the table beside the bed. One night while being unusually athletic, he mistakenly knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it broke to pieces. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all...
Thursday, January 19, 2012
A COMPLETE SESSION
On the first day of college, the dean/principal addresses the students pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined N200 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined N600. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of N1800. ARE THERE ANY...
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
THE THREE GIFTS
Three sons left home, went out
on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they
discussed the gifts they were
able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big
house for our Mother." The
second said, "I sent her a
Mercedes with a driver." The
third smiled and said, "I've got
you both beat. You remember
how Mom enjoyed reading the
Bible? And you know she can't
see very well any more. I sent
her a remarkable...
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
THE MILLION DOLLARS
A Mafia Godfather accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million dollars you embezzled from me?"
The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather...
Monday, January 16, 2012
NEW EMPLOYEE
A new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary asked. "Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?" "Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
If you think you're smart aNSWER THIS BRAIN TEA...
Sunday, January 15, 2012
GIRLS USED TO SAY
GIRLS USED TO SAY:
1980: Love me But do not touch
me.
1990: Touch me, But do not kiss
me.
2000: Kiss me, But do not do any
thing else.
2010: Do everything, But do not
tell anybody.
2011: Do everything, Otherwise I
will tell everybody that you can't
do anything!
...just wondering how what this
world will become this ye...
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Purpose of life
I've been looking for the
meaning and purpose of life for
the past 60 years. Now, I've
finally found the answer.
On the first day,
God created the dog and said,
"Sit all day by the door of your
house and bark at anyone who
comes in or walks past. For this,
I will give you a life span of
twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time
to be barking. How about only
ten years and I'll give you back
the other ten?"
So God agreed......
On...
Proverbs 17:22
There was an old lady who
would come out every
morning on the steps of her
front porch, raise
her arms to the sky, and shout,
"Praise the Lord!"
Well, one day, an atheist moved
into the house
next door. Over time, he became
irritated at
the old lady. So, every morning
he would step
out onto his front porch and yell
after her,
"There is no Lord!"
Time passed with the two of
them carrying on
this way every day. Then...
Friday, January 13, 2012
HOW TO MAKE A GIRL HAPPY
How to Make a girl Happy?
It's not at all difficult.
U only need to be
1. A friend
2. Companion
3. Lover
4. Chef
5. Electrician
6. Carpenter
7. Mechanic
8. Decorator
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
312. Good listener
313. Organizer
314. Good boyfriend
315. Very clean
316. Sympathetic
317. Athletic
318. Warm
.
.
.
1054. Courageous
1055. Determined
1056. True
1057. Intelligent
.
.
.
10014. Pest exterminator
10015....
Thursday, January 12, 2012
WISE MALLAM
Mallam lukman lost his Cheque
Book. So he went to the Bank to
request for another one.
Bank Manager: you have to be
careful Mallam, anyone can forge
your signature.
Mallam: Do you think I'm a fool? I
have already signed all the
cheques before I misplaced it, so
no body will have space to forge
my signatu...
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
THE SAME OLD STORY
An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth. He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said:
"May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college".
A young man opened the door
and let him in. The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.
He said, "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the...
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
NO, I GIVE UP
A big city California lawyer went
duck hunting
in rural New South Wales. He
shot and dropped
a bird, but it fell into a farmer's
paddock on
the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the
fence, an elderly
farmer drove up on his tractor
and asked him
what he was doing. The litigator
responded, "I
shot a duck and it fell in this
field, and now
I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is
my...
Monday, January 9, 2012
THOSE ARE FOR THE FUNERAL
There was an elderly man at
home, upstairs, dying in bed. He
smelled the aroma of his favorite
chocolate chip cookies baking. He
wanted one last cookie before he
died. He fell out of bed, crawled
to the landing, rolled down the
stairs and crawled into the
kitchen where his wife was
busily baking cookies. With his
last remaining strength he
crawled to the table and was just
barely able to lift his withered
arm to the cookie sheet....
Sunday, January 8, 2012
ALWAYS BE NICE TO YOUR NURSE
When you're hospitalized, it
pays to be nice
to your nurse, even when you're
feeling miserable.
A very rich and arrogant businessman learned this moral
the hard way
This business man was ill and was given a long term admission into an hospital. He kept commanding and
ordering his nurses around and shouting on them as if
they were his
employees. They all angrily ignored him, but the head nurse
stood up to him.
One morning...
Saturday, January 7, 2012
WHO IS FOOLISH?
Two men were arguing about their
sons. The first man said his
son was more foolish while
the second disagreed so
they decided to prove it.
The first
man called his son
and told him to go to the market and
buy a box of matches and the
boy left without asking for money
then the father said
to the second man, "you see how foolish he
is, he didn't ask for money"
The second
man
replied, "is that what you call
foolishness?...
Friday, January 6, 2012
THE AUTOMATIC CAR
Julius Malema recently bought a new automatic car. He drives the car perfectly well during the day but at night the car just won't move. He had tried everything for a week and still no luck he then furiously calls the dealership and they send out a tech. The tech asks are you sure you using the right gears? He says of course I am, im not stupit I use D for “day” and N for ‘night',...
Thursday, January 5, 2012
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
Guy meets a girl in a bar and
after talking for a few minutes
he asks her name. She replies
Carmen, and he says that's one
of his favorite names. He asks if
her mother named her and she
says that she actually changed
her name to Carmen. When he
asked why, she replied because
she likes cars and men. She then
asked his name, to which he
replied, "Beerfuc...
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
RE CHECKING MY ANSWERS
A blonde reported for her University final year examination which all consists of "yes/no" type questions. When she finally took her seat in the exam hall, she stared at the question paper for close to five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Before half twenty minutes, she was through, whereas the...
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
THE DAM FISH
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish... He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale." A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish." The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish... His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said,"Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that." The preacher explained...
Monday, January 2, 2012
THE WATCH
Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed the brand new shiney watch Jimmy was wearing. "Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked. "Nope," Jimmy replied. "Well did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked. "Nope." "You didn't steal it did you?" "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mum and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were on the job. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me." Johnny was extremely...
Sunday, January 1, 2012
PAY BEFORE SERVICE
A man wanted to surprise his wife on their 10th wedding anniversary,he went to the bar with his wife. When he left for the counter to order drinks for them,a prostitute approached his wife & whispered: You must DEMAND cash before sex, i know him, he doesn't p...
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