PUT DOWN THE DAMN GUN

Nancy Patrick goes up to Father Samsom after Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got a very terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Nancy, that's really terrible! Tell me, Nancy, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "Yes, he did, Father..." The priest says,
"What did he ask, Nancy?"
She says, "He said, "Please, Nancy, put down that damn gun...""

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A$$HOLE

A hunter who has three sons, was anxious to share his latest kill with his family for Sunday dinner. He did not want his sons to refuse tasting the delicious venison, so he sat the boys down to dinner without telling them what the meat was they were about to eat. "Oh come on Dad," said the oldest son. "What is this meat?" "Just taste it," said the father, "You will love it." The boys eyed each other nervously and put a piece of the meat on their forks. "Give us a little hint.", pleaded the second son. "Only if you take a bite.", said the father. As each boy took a cautious bite of the venison, the father continued, "Let me think, your mother calls me this from time to time." >The oldest boy shouted, "Spit it out boys, it's a$$hole"

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THE COUPLE'S WISHTHE COUPLE'S WISH

A married couple in their early 60's are visited by a fairy who grants both of them a wish. 'I want to travel around the world with my darling husband', says the wife ...instantly two tickets for a luxury cruise magically appears in her hand! The husband says 'sorry love, my wish is to have a wife who is 30 years younger than me ...' So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92!

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PARACHUTE JUMPING

A blonde woman joins the Air Force. On the first day of training for parachute jumping, the blonde was listening to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet above the ground. The blonde woman asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"
"That's a good question," the instructor said, "When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
After pondering his answer, the blonde asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

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THE CHRISTIAN BEAR

A preacher decided to skip services one Sunday to spend the day hiking in the wilderness. Rounding a sharp bend in the trail, he came across a bear and was sent tumbling down a steep grade. He landed on a rock and broke his two legs. With the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, the preacher prayed, "O Lord, I'm so sorry for skipping services today. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me!" At that very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to his knees, clasped his paws together, and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet: "Dear God, please bless this food I am about to eat."

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