THE BASIC MATHEMATICAL OPERATIONS

One day, A male teacher was teaching his female student the basic operations in mathematics (Addition, subtraction, multiplication and division). The girl doesn't seem to get the difference between these operations and so the teacher decided to explain to the girl practically.,

He k!ss£d her once, and then twice again and said "now that's addition" As he added more k!ss£s in silent satisfaction, the girl sweetly gave back the k!ss£s and he said "that's subtraction" Then he k!ss£d her and she k!ss£d him without explanation and both together said "that's multiplication" then the girl's father appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked the teacher very far away and said "that's long division"

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OVERLOADING

A man was driving around
1.00am alone in his car, he got to a check point. The policeman stopped him and asked for everything necessary--(particulars and so on) which he gave out. The policeman had nothing to ask again, in order to charge him, guess what the police man said; "I charge you for driving alone at this time of the day, if you get an accident now who will tell your people?" The man replied: I'm not alone, Jesus Christ is with me here, Angel Gabriel, Angel Rapheal, Angel Micheal and five other angels are here with me. The policeman said: "all these people inside this your small car? I charge you for overloading!!!

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I CAN'T BELIEVE

One day,
three mothers, a blonde,
brunette, and a redhead were all
discussing about their daughters bad un-expected deeds.

The Brunette said "When I was looking
through my daughters things
and I found a lot of cigarettes, I just can't
believe my daughter smokes."

The Redhead says "There was a day, I was
looking through my daughter's
things and I found a bottle of
liquor, I can't believe my
daughter drinks."

The Blonde says "When I was looking
through my daughters things
I found a pack of condoms,
I can't believe my daughter has
a P£N!S"

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GOING TO HAVE A WIFE

One sunday morning in the Sunday School class, little Johnny's teacher was
teaching about how God created
Everything, including animals and human
beings. Little Johnny seemed
especially intent when they
told him how Eve was
created out of one of Adam's
ribs. Later in the week his
mother noticed him lying
down as if he was ill,
so she asked, "Johnny, what is the
matter with you?"
Little Johnny responded, "I'm feeling
pains in my side. I think
I'm going to have a wife."

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CHOLESTEROL FREE

One day, Mr. Sadar angrily
rushed back
into the supermarket where he
had earlier
purchased a packet of
butter.
He shouted in annoyance at the
shop attendant, "Where is my
free gift?"
"But
Sir, there is no free
for purchasing butter," the
shopkeeper politely answered
him.
"Don't think you can fool me!!,"
shouted Mr. Sadar,
"it is clearly written on the
packet of the butter 'Cholesterol
free'.

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LITTLE HAIR, SO MUCH HAIR

One day, little Johnny was eating breakfast in the morning. He started to think about things, and asked,
"Mommy, why does Daddy have so little hair on his head?"
"He thinks a lot, dear" replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a such good answer to her husband's baldness.
"Mummy, I think that explains why you have so much hair" said Johnny.

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THE HEARING TEST

One day, an old man went to the doctor and complained that his wife could barely hear. The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem.
"Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds", said the doctor.

The old man excited to finally be working on a solution to the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper.

"Honey" the man asks standing around 20 feet away, “what are you preparing for supper?”
After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response. Then again at 10 feet away and again no response. Finally he was 5 feet away "what are you preparing for supper?” She replies “For the fourth time it's pounded yam!"

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THE OXYGEN TUBE

Mr. Fred was in the hospital, near death and couldn't talk, so the family sent for his pastor. As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred's frail and pale condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Fred used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died. The pastor thought it was best not to look at the note immediately, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral ceremony, the pastor delivered the eulogy. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he had worn the day Fred died.
"You know," he said, "ol Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He unfolded the note and read aloud, "Pastor, you're standing on my oxygen tube!!"

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THE RIGHT THING

Son: Mummy, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady. Mom: Well, what you did is not wrong, infact you have done the right thing. Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

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THE BORROWED THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS

A man went out and left his wife at home. Ten minutes after the man left, somebody knocked at the door and she opened it, and it was her husband's friend, James.
James said to her, is your husband at home? she said no, but you can still wait for him, he will soon be back. They both went to the sitting room and sat down there for a while, later James said to her: you have very good bre*sts I have never seen such in my life, can you show me one of them and I will give you $1,500 ? The woman shouted, what!!?? But later agreed and said ok and opened one of her bre*sts to James. James said, thanks and dropped the $1,500 on the table and said to her again: can u open the two of them and I will give u another $1,500 and the woman thought over it again and said ok and opened the two of the bre*sts for James to see and James dropped the money making it $3,000 and then he left. Not long, the woman's husband came back and the woman told him: Your friend James came to check you but he left some minutes ago. The husband asked her: Did he give you the $3,000 he brorred from me? The woman just stood in front of him, looking like a fool.

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COMPUTER QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

The answers to these questions are below, try not to spy until you're through.

---

1. What do computer Scientists have for snacks?
2. Why did the computer get cold?
3. What does a baby computer call its dad?
4. Whats the chemical formula of compressed liquid oxygen?
5. How do two programmers make money?

Scroll down for the answers













1. Micro-chips.

2. Because it forgot to close windows.

3. Data

4. O2.zip

5. One writes viruses, the other writer anti-viruses

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WHY WOMEN ARE LIKE COMPUTER VIRUS

Women are like computer virus, they:

ENTER your life...
SEARCH your pocket...
SHIFT your balance ...
CONTROL your life...

And when you become an old version instead of upgrading you they just...

DELETE you from the system.

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MARRIAGE SOFTWAREMARRIAGE SOFTWARE

A guy with marital problems wrote a letter to the system analyst ( Marriage Software Division) of a software company:

Dear Systems Analyst, I am desperate to get some help! I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and discovered that the new program began unexpected Child Processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product module. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems initialization and then it monitors all other system activities. Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf 5.3" no longer run, and crashes the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate selected "Saturday Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1" runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run any of my favorite applications. Be it online or offline. I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend 7.0", but uninstall doesn't work on this program. Can you please help? ...

AND THIS IS WHAT ANALYST SAID:

Dear Customer, This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding of the functions of the Wife 1.0 program. Many customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM. Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its Creator to run everything on your current platform. You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the System once it is installed. Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors' Fees). Having Wife 1..0 installed, I recommend you keep it Installed and deal with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the......... C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE Program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire system. It may be necessary to run C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE a number of times, and eventually hope that the operating system will return to normal. Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance programme, can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it, consider buying additional Software such as "Flowers 2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGS\ KISSES 600.0" or "TENDERNESS\ UNDERSTANDING 1000.0" or even Eating Out Without the Kids 7.2.1" (if Child processing has already started). DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1 " (Short Skirt Version) or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly CRASH.
BEST WISHES! and if everything fails, contact software maker- tech support and ask to speak to the Head of Operations - named GOD for solutions to all your wife.1 software problem.

Yours in service, Systems Analyst.

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PARKING FINEPARKING FINE

One day Mr. Sardar was driving and felt like easing himself, he parked somewhere on the road and quickly went, After coming back to his car he finds a note saying "Parking Fine" He writes a note and sticks it 2 pole "Thanks 4 d complement"

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DICTIONARY OF COMPUTER TERMS

Below is a dictionary of commonly used computer terms, I just hope this dictionary will be helpful. Note that this dictionary is not written in alphabetical order.

---

Log on - Making the wood stove
hotter by adding more logs of wood

Log off - Don't add any more
wood, instead, add water.


Monitor - Keep an eye on that
wood stove.


Download - Getting the
firewood off the truck.


Floppy disk - this is what you get from
trying to carry too much
firewood.


Ram - The stupid animal that split that
firewood.


Hard drive - Driving home with your car in the
winter


Window - What to shut when
it's cold outside.

Screen - What to shut during
*black fly season.

Screen saver - Duct tape for the
torn window screen.

Byte - What the *black flies do.

Bit - What the black flies did.

Megabyte - What the BIG black
flies do during trout season.


Chip - A snacks that computer scientists usually take for lunch

Microchip - The crumbs in the
bag after you've eaten the chips.


Modem - What you did to the
weeds growing in the driveway.


Dot matrix - Old Don Matrix's
wife.

Lap top - Where the beer spills
when you pass out.

Software - The dumb plastic
knives and forks they give you
at McDonalds.

Hardware - Real stainless steel
cutlery.

Mouse - What makes the holes
in the Cheerios box.

Main frame - What holds the
house up, hopefully.

Enter - The only way to win
those magazine ad sweepstakes.

Web - What a spida makes.

Web site - What's found in the
corners of high ceilings.

Cursor - Someone who studies and gratuated in cursing.

Search engine - What you do
when the car goes off unexpectedly.

Home page - A map you keep in
your back pocket to find your way back home in case you get
lost in the woods.

Upgrade - Steep hill.

Server - Waitress.

Mail server - A Male waitress,
damn few in Maine.

Sound card - One of the modern
technological birthday cards
that plays music when you open
them

User - The neighbor who keeps
borrowing stuffs from us.

Browser - A problem moose in
the garden or blueberry patch.

Network - Mending holes in the
fishnet.


Internet - A Complicated fishnet
repair method.


Netscape - What haddock do
when you don't do your
network.


Online - this is a good sign which indicates that there'll be
clean clothes for this week.

Offline - The clothes pins and clips let go
and the laundry falls to the
ground.


BACKUP - What you do when
you run across a skunk in the
woods.

BUG - The reason you give for
calling in sick.


DIGITAL - The art of counting on
your fingers.

DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer.


HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32
years of smoking.

MEGAHERTZ - How your head
feels after 17 beers.


MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and
Minnie live.

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WONDERFUL QUOTES AND WISE SAYINGS

The following are quotes and wise sayings of the assumed wisest men in history. They were caught saying them in secret, but all thanks to God who reveals secrets..

---

I say no to drugs, but they don't listen.


I have opinions of my own – strong opinions– but I don't always agree with them.


Stop being so stupid.. it's my turn.


A very wise man once said, “it is better to let people think you are stupid than to open your mouth and proove you are stupid”


You can be what you choose to
be, But you can never be an elephant.


I thought I was losing it But then I suddenly remembered that I've got nothing to loose


My imaginary friend thinks you have some serious problems.


You laugh because I'm different, I laugh because i just farted..

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ONE DIFFICULT OR TEN EASY QUESTIONS?ONE DIFFICULT OR TEN EASY QUESTIONS?

A guy seeking admission was in for an interview, a little conversation came up between the Interviewer and the guy.

---

Interviewer: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one very difficult question. Think well before you make up your mind!

Guy: (after thinking for a while and) My choice is one really difficult question.

Interviewer: Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now tell me this.
“What comes first, Day or Night?”

The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depends on the correctness of his answer, but he thought for a while and said, “It’s the DAY sir!”

Interviewer: How?

Guy: Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!”

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EVERY 10 SECONDS

One day, a teacher lecturing on population says - In India after Every 10 seconds a woman gives birth to a kid.

A Sardar stands up and says- we must find & stop her!.

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WHY SPELLING OF WOMEN STARTS WITH WWHY SPELLING OF WOMEN STARTS WITH W

Do u know why spelling of women starts with “W”? Because all one worded Questions in the world starts with W ..
What?
Why?
Who?
When?
Which?
Where?
Whom?
Women?

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WHY JOHNNY FAILED ARITHMETIC

One day, Johnny returns from school and told his father that he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6."

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

"That was exactly what I asked her!"

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TEST HOW SMART AND INTELLIGENT YOU ARE

Below are four(4) questions and another bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You must not take your time, answer all of them immediately. Okay? The essence is to find out how clever you really are. Ready?GO!!!

(scrolldown)

First Question: You are participating in a race, You overtake the second person.What position are you in?
(scroll down for answer)








Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, then you are now second! Try not to scroll up in the next question. Okay?

To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

......

Second Question: Ifyou overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down for the answer)









Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person? That's really impossible!


You're not very good at this! Are you?


Third Question: Very tricky math!

Note: This must be done in your head only. Do not use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it!!!


Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000.Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10 .What is the total?

Scroll down for the answer. Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Now Check with your calculator! Todayis definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question.... right?


Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2.Nene, 3. Nini, 4.Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter? (scroll down for answer)





Answer: Nunu?
NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again and check the numbering Okay? now the bonus round:

There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is made. Now he there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?


He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE

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LADIES FIRST

Teacher : Correct the
sentence, "A bull and a cow
is grazing in the
field"
Student : A cow and a bull is
grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.

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SANTA'S CHICKEN FARM

SANTA Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to start with. A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. After another month he was back at the dealer for another hundred chickens because the second lot had also died. 'But I think I know where I'm going wrong,' said Santa, 'I think I'm planting them too deep.'

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THE EXAMINATION REPORT

After an examination, a father said to his son,
"let me see your report card."

Son: "One of my friends just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

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THE WEATHER FORECAST

One day a Sardhar was
walking and had a glove on
one hand and not on other hand
so a man asked him why
did he do so. He Replied that
the weather forecast
announced that on one hand
it would be cold and on the
other hand it would be hot.

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THE RIGHT THING

Son: Mummy, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady. Mom: Well, what you did is not wrong, infact you have done the right thing. Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

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MIRACULOUS PHOTOMIRACULOUS PHOTO

Woman: Why darling, you always take my photo in your handbag to the office? Husband: Whenever there's a problem, no matter how impossible it seems, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Woman: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?

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SLOW WRITING

One day, Sardar was writing something very slowly.
A friend asked: "Why are you writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I am writing to my six years old son, he can't read very fast.

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WHO THREW THE FRASER?

Mother: "Why are you back from school so early today?"

Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."

Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"

Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"

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SIMPLE ENGLISH LANGUAGE DEFINITIONS

Below are the definition some common words which most people, including English teachers find difficult to define, I hope you'll be grateful for them

CONCLUSION:
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.


CELEBRITY: A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.


ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.


AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.


ANTIQUE: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.


CAR SICKNESS: The feeling you
get when the car payment is
due.


CHICKENS: The only animals you
eat before they are born and
after they are dead.


COURTESY: The art of yawning
with your mouth closed.


DICTIONARY: A place where
success comes before work.


DIPLOMAT: A person who tells
you to go to hell in such a way
that you actually look forward
to the trip.


DIVORCE: Future tense of
marriage.


DOCTOR: A person who kills
your ills by pills, and kills you
with his bills.


Etc: A sign to make others
believe that you know more
than you actually do.


ETERNITY: The last two minutes
of a football game.


EXPERIENCE : The name men give
to their mistakes.


FAMILY PLANNING: the art of
spacing your children the proper
distance apart to keep you on
the edge of financial disaster.


FULL NAME: What you call your
child when you're mad at him/
her.


GOSSIP: A person who will
never tell a lie if the truth will
do more damage.


GRANDMOTHER: A baby-sitter
who doesn't hang around the
refrigerator.


GRANDPARENTS: The people
who think your children are
wonderful even though they're
sure you're not raising them
right.


KISSING: A means of getting
two people so close together
that they can't see anything
wrong with each other.

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FIRE!

Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde. The guard brought the first woman, the brunette, forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no, and the executioner shouted: "... Ready ... Aim ... !! and suddenly the brunette yelled, "EARTHQUAKE!". Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped. So they brought up the redhead and asked if she had any last requests. She said no, and the executioner shouted: "... Ready ... Aim ...!! and suddenly the redhead yelled "TORNADO!" Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped. By now, the blonde had it all figured out. They brought her forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted: "... Ready ... Aim ... !! and the blonde yelled, "FIRE!"

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HIV/AIDS

One night, a gang of five thieves came across a very beautiful young lady. They searched her and found nothing they could steal from her. Annoyed, the leader of the gang decided that he would rape the lady and immediately he started.
The lady seemed to be enjoying it because she didn't resist or cry for help, infact she was laughing so he rap£d her for almost an hour. After the leader was through he said that the others too should rap£ her since she was enjoying it. So, the others too did the same but for a few minutes, and still, she didn't resist but kept laughing. The leader had a second round and then finally stopped. When he was finally through he asked the lady why she was laughing. She replied: I was just coming from the hospital and the doctor confirmed that I have HIV/AIDS.

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COPYING FROM ORIGINAL

In a biology examination, the students were asked to draw the female s£x organ, when a lady noticed that the invigilator went out of the examination hall briefly, she quickly opened her legs wide to see her pr!vate part , the boy sitting next to her screamed.. ''Sir, she's copying from the original!''

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VALENTINE PACKAGE

When a woman woke up one morning, she told her husband , "I just finished dreaming that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day gift.
What do you think it means,?" asked the woman.

"You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Very delighted, she opened it -only to find a book entitled, "The meaning of dreams"

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LUNCH MONEY

Mother: Why did you swallow the money I gave you?

Johnny: You said it was my lunch money

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MILLIONIARE

A woman was discussing with her friend, she said, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."

The friend asked, "And what was he before you married him?" The woman replied, "He was a multi-millionaire".

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WHO IS AN IDIOT?

Son: Dad, who is an idiot?

Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange way that another person who he is explaining to can't understand him. Do you understand me?

Son: No.

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