ENGLISH LANGUAGE, ONE OF THE HARDEST LANGUAGE

English has to be one of the hardest languages to understand. Read the paragraph below and try to understand the meaning. Two individuals proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to...

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WE COULD HAVE BEEN HERE

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area." "Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard...

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APRIL FOOL

Congratulations! you've been successfully fooled! Wishing you a happy APRIL FOOL's day. Wanna fool your friends too? Share this link on your wall to do that, and you'll be glad you did. You can JOIN US ON FACEBOOK to get more jokes and catch more f...

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WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE WHO DON'T SMOKE, DRINK OR GAMBLE

Beggar : Give me food Man : I'll take you to a bar Beggar : I don't drink, Give me food. Man : I'll give you cigarettes. Beggar : I don't smoke, Give me food Man : I'll take you to the race Beggar : I don't gamble, give me food Man : I'll get you a sugar girl Beggar : I only sleep with my wife, give me food Man : I'll give you food but first, You have to come to my house Begger : Why? Man : I want my wife...

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CAN YOU GIVE ME A PUSH?

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat- a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the...

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YOUR ROLE MODEL

Hi Guys, No cheating - just do the calculations and scroll down to the answers when done. FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL.. DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET, DO THE SIMPLE MATHS BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO. It's CRAZY how accurate this is! No peeking! 1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9 ... 2) Multiply by 3 3) Add 3 4) Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator....) 5) You'll get a...

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MENTAL CASE, it's been like that for years.

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything." The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for month...

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THE WISHES

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." *Poof!* God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times. Seeing this, the second man...

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THE CONTRACT

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from Nigeria, another from Germany, and the third from France. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it & give me a bid?" So, to the back fence they all went to check it...

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WHO SAID...?

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal. Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question." Teacher: "Who said ' Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie,...

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DIFFERENCES BETWEEN PRISON AND WORK PLACE

WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN WORK AND PRISON... Maybe prison isn't so bad... IN PRISON You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. IN PRISON You get three meals a day. AT WORK You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON You get time off for good behavior. AT WORK You get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON A...

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THE MISTAKE

Wife :dear, we shall kill one of the goats to celebrate our 10th year marriage anniversary. Husband:no! Wife: why? Husband: how do you expect me to kill the innocent goat for a mistake I made 10years a...

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I GOT A JOKE FOR YOU

Tell me something," asked Jon , "how many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach, Little Johnny?" Little Johnny scratched his head and said, "Well, five, I think." "Wrong," said Jon. "You can only eat just one. After that, your stomach isn't empty any more! Gotcha!" Little Johnny was impressed so he decided to pull the joke on his sister, Judi, when he got home. "Hey, Sis, how many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach?" Judi...

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FAMILY MATTER

A black guy and a white guy were sitting in the park, the white man had a pet monkey and the black man is selling bananas, the black man said 'Mr. Can u look after my bananas, i'm goin to the toilet"," Yeah sure, go ahead" said the white man. When the black man came he found his bananas gone and asked "where are my bananas" the white man pointed to the monkey and said "ask ur brother" :O, the black man chilled and sat down. Few...

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DESPERATE TO GET A JOB

An illiterate was searching for a job and finally, he came to a big company to make enquiries in respect of the advertisement which was being placed outside. The man being so eager didn’t read the advertisement properly. He just dashed into the company and began to ask for the MD. Little did he know that a job of such magnitude requires someone who has been to different parts of the world. On getting there, the MD decided to have...

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THE DAY OFF

One day three monks were told by the minister that today was their day off, to do whatever they want, and at the end of the day, God would forgive them of their sins. The monks thought this sounded like a good idea so they went off into the city. At the end of the day the three monks returned to the church and the minister greeted them. The first monk came up, and the minister asked, "What did you do today". The monk replied "I...

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HOW LONG?

A guy stuck his head into a barber's shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2hours." The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,"How...

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WHERE I WAS OPERATED

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00,...

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RETURN EVERYTHING

GIRLFRIEND: I want to end up our relationship, I am going to return to you everything you gave me.. BOYFRIEND: Hahahaha! What a joke? Okay then, let's start with the kisses I gave you...

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WHAT MOTHER DOES FOR A LIVING

The teacher in Johnny's class asked the class what their mothers did for a living. One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" Johnny...

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FAMILY PROBLEMS

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot. The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once." We call this arranged marriage. ... I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems." The American said, talking about...

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THREE WISHES

A fairy saw a lion chasing a rabbit in the forest. She asked both to stop,"I will grant you both 3 wishes." 1st wish Lion - all the lion in this forest, except me, be female. Rabbit wished for a helmet. The Lion thought the rabbit was stupid and wasting his wish. 2nd wish lion- I wish all the lion in next forest be female. The Rabbit asked for a bike. The Lion was shocked again. 3rd wish lion- all the lion in world be female...

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YOU NEED TO FOCUS

Teacher: John, who is the President of Iraq? John: I don't know. Teacher: You need to focus more on your studies. John: Yes Ma. Then John to the Teacher: John: Madam, do you know Rita? Teacher: No I don't. John: Ma, I think you need to focus more on your husband!!....

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APPLICATION LETTER

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! NAME: Greg Bulmash SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED...

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