A bank manager who was confused with his calculation,asked his secretary to help him out...I have $23,000,000 what will you take off to get 25% and she replied "Sir, honestly, I will take off my blouse, my skirt,my br@ even my p@nts....
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
WE CAN'T HEAR YOU
On a lady's wedding day,the pastor asked the usual question: "Anyone who feels this couple shouldn't be joined in holy matrimony should speak or forever remain silent!!!". A young man raised his HAND from behind. Seeing him, the bride FAINTED. After much effort, the bride was revived. After she was revived, the pastor asked the man, "WHY did u raise ur hand?" The man replied...I just want to inform that we can't hear you clearly...
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
NO WEAPON
A baby boy was born yesterday at Queens Hospital laughing instead of crying,.. the more the mid-wifes beat him the more he laughs like crazy. Suddenly the doctor noticed he had something in his hand, so he pulled the tiny hand open and discovers he was holding three abortion pills.....The baby looked at his mother and said "NO WEAPON FASHIONED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSP...
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
THE VICTIM'S SON
A crowd gathered at an accident scene and a smart and nosey journalist wanted to get the story first hand. "Make way, I am d victim's son" he shouted. Slowly, the crowd paved way for him. On getting there, lying lifeless, in front of the car was a go...
Monday, September 26, 2011
I DISGRACED HIS FAMILY
A young girl was going on her first date. Her grandma said, "sit down and let me tell you about young boys of nowadays. He will to try to kiss you, you'll like it but don't let him do that. He will try to touch your breast, you'll like it but don't let him do that. Most importantly, he will try to get ontop of you to have his way with you, you'll like it but don't let him do that, it will disgrace our family....."
Wit that bit...
Sunday, September 25, 2011
CAN YOU IMAGINE?
Can you imagine what people do these days?
I was in a church on sunday when a guy beside me lighted up a cigarette, I was so shocked that I had to drop my bottle my be...
Saturday, September 24, 2011
800 DOLLARS
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands nak£d in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her...
THE POLICEMAN AND THE PHONE
I was at Victoria Island, waiting to board a bus to mile 2. Not far away from the bus-stop, I saw a beautiful Madam standing by the side of her car with the Car Bonnet open - possibly engine trouble. She was looking impatiently at her wrist watch, meaning, possibly she's on an appointment. The moment she saw her driver with the mechanic, she decided to join us where we were rushing to board a bus. Funny enough, she boarded the...
Friday, September 23, 2011
AIDS INJECTION
There was a man living in Victoria Island, Lagos. A thief came to his house one night and threatened to inject him with blood containing the HIV virus if he didn't drop all the money he collected from the bank the day before.
The man: Are you going to leave me with the money if I allow you to inject me with the HIV virus?
The Thief: I will not collect the money and I will leave you. On hearing this, he told the thief to give...
Thursday, September 22, 2011
THAT'S INTELLIGENCE
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. After a long period of stressful work, one said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him." So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do...
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
MR. FASH'S FAMILY
Mr and Mrs Fash have two children, a boy and a girl and they tried to instill good moral characters in them. One day their son peter, who is five, came home from school and asked a question that left both parents stupefied.
Peter: Mommy, Daddy what is a penis?...... Both parents did not know what to say, but in order to please him the father answered. "You see that umbrella in the corner ?, that is what a penis is."
Peter:...
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
LET'S DRILL ANOTHER HOLE
Mayne and Willard, two idiots, w ere in a rowboat on a lake fishing. Suddenly the spray from a motorboat racing by flooded their boat. "How are we gonna get the water out?" asked Mayne. "Easy," said Willard. "We just bore a hole in the bottom of the boat and let the water drain out." The men drilled a hole in the bottom, and more water started rushing in. "Wait a minute!" exclaimed Mayne. "We need another hole so that the water...
Monday, September 19, 2011
MY EXPERIENCE WITH MY MOTHER-IN LAW
A week before my wedding to Jane, a young beautiful girl, I was summoned by her equally beautiful Mother, my soon to be mother in- law. I was asked to come over to her house ASAP and I obliged by rushing over to her house. I arrived to find my soon to be new Mother in-Law scantily dressed and lying on the sofa asking me to come and sleep with her. After I informed her that I was uncomfortable with her request and that she must...
Sunday, September 18, 2011
JUST GIVE ME MY CHANGE
There were three men living together in London. An African- American, a West Indian and a Nigerian. They were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food. However upon coming close to a posh London restaurant in this classy neighborhood, they decided to come up with a plan. The Afro-American went in first. After being seated, he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal, the waiter...
Friday, September 16, 2011
YOU'RE NEXT
Suspicious about her husband cheating her, the blonde quickly bought a gun. When the blonde got home, she found her husband with another woman. Upset, the blonde took the gun and pointed it towards her head. The husband beg her not to shoot herself. Them the blonde yelled, "Shut up, You're nex...
Thursday, September 15, 2011
YOU'LL IMPREGNATE HER AGAIN
A young girl missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later an hummer jeep stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably...
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
WHAT IS COURTING?
Little Johnny was only seven years old,
and like other boys his age,
rather curious. He had been
hearing quite a bit about
courting from other boys and he
wondered what it was and how
it was done. One day he took his
questions to his mother, and
she became flustered. Instead of
explaining things to Johnny she
told him to hide behind the
curtain one night and watch his
older sister and her boyfriend.
This he did, and the following
morning...
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
DON'T WORRY, YOU CAN HAVE IT
A Scotsman and an Englishman once lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and every morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his gen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman’s garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman picking up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged...
Monday, September 12, 2011
A BET WITH DADDY AND TEACHER
Little Johnny likes gambling a lot. One day his father gets a new job so his entire family has to move to a new city. Johnny's daddy thinks, "I've got to put a stop to Johnny's gambling" when his father got to register him in a new school he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes gambling a lot so you'll have to keep an eye on him." The teacher says "OK, I can handle it." The...
Sunday, September 11, 2011
FREE OF CHARGE
Very early one morning, the Director walked into the office and caught the Manager kissing his Secretary. In his annoyence he shouted "is this what I pay you to do?"
The Manager nervously answered "no Sir, I DO THIS FREE OF CHARG...
Saturday, September 10, 2011
IT DEPENDS
One day, the teacher was reviewing counting with her first grade class. "Junior," she asked, "can you count your numbers from 1 to 10 without mistakes?" "yes," answered Junior and he counted 1 to 10.
"Now Johnny, can you count from 10 to 20?" "It depends," answered Johnny, "With or without mistake...
Friday, September 9, 2011
THOSE WHO SEE BUT NEVER TALK
One sunday, a stubborn boy went to church. After everyone had given their offerings the pastor told the congregation to close their eyes while he blesses the offering but the stubborn boy was busy looking at the pastor. As the pastor was praying he took N2000 from the offering box, when he noticed that the boy was looking at him he said, "blessed are those who see but never talk" and the boy replied, "for they shall recieve their...
Thursday, September 8, 2011
THE AIR FLIGHT
During an air travel a stranger was sitting next to Little Johnny in the plane when the the stranger turned to Little Johnny and said, "Let us talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"...
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
THE CRYING MAN
One day, a young guy was sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an- hour. Then, A big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a young man like you crying." "No, it's not that. Today is the...
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
STRETCH MARKS
Nancy: honey, since we are engaged I think we should start calling each other pet names.
Mike; okay, so what do u wanna call me?
Nancy: Tiger!
Mike: Tiger? Why?
Nancy: because you're so cute and strong. so, what are you gonna call me?
Mike: Zebra !
Nancy: oh honey that's so sweet. Why?
Mike: because of your stretch mar...
Monday, September 5, 2011
HALF DEAD
A man once finds a genie lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out of it and says "I may grant you 3 wishes, but your wife gets double of whatever you wish.
"The man wishes for a new car. The genie gives him a new car and the man's wife two new cars. The man then wishes for a new house. The genie gives him a new house and the man's wife two new houses. The man then says, "Finally, I wish to be beaten half-dea...
Saturday, September 3, 2011
JUST RELAX
John was dying of an unknown illness. His wife sat at the bedside comforting him. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, and your best friend!" "I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work"...
MY SCHOOL DAYS ARE OVER!!!
One day Johnny's teacher was teaching when a boy in the class just started laughing. The teacher gets angry and asks the boy: "Why did u laugh?"
The boy answered, "I saw one strap of your bra"
The teacher gets angry and shouted at the boy, "STAY OUT OF THE CLASSROOM FOR A WEEK!!
After some minutes, another boy started to laugh. The teacher asked again, "why did you laugh?"
The boy answered, : I saw both straps of the bra you're...
Friday, September 2, 2011
I DIDN'T KNOW YOUR DAD WAS A PHARMACIST
One day, a young guy goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me a c¤nd¤m? I'm going to my girlfriend's home for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!" The pharmacist hands him the condom and as the young man was going out; he returns and says, "Give me another c¤nd¤m because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and...
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