Nancy Patrick goes up to Father Samsom after Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got a very terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Nancy, that's really terrible! Tell me, Nancy, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "Yes, he did, Father..." The priest says,
"What did he ask, Nancy?"
She says, "He said, "Please,...
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
A$$HOLE
A hunter who has three sons, was anxious to share his latest kill with his family for Sunday dinner. He did not want his sons to refuse tasting the delicious venison, so he sat the boys down to dinner without telling them what the meat was they were about to eat. "Oh come on Dad," said the oldest son. "What is this meat?" "Just taste it," said the father, "You will love it." The boys eyed each other nervously and put a piece of...
Thursday, July 28, 2011
THE COUPLE'S WISHTHE COUPLE'S WISH
A married couple in their early 60's are visited by a fairy who grants both of them a wish. 'I want to travel around the world with my darling husband', says the wife ...instantly two tickets for a luxury cruise magically appears in her hand! The husband says 'sorry love, my wish is to have a wife who is 30 years younger than me ...' So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes ...
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
PARACHUTE JUMPING
A blonde woman joins the Air Force. On the first day of training for parachute jumping, the blonde was listening to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet above the ground. The blonde woman asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"
"That's a good question," the instructor said, "When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
After...
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
THE CHRISTIAN BEAR
A preacher decided to skip services one Sunday to spend the day hiking in the wilderness. Rounding a sharp bend in the trail, he came across a bear and was sent tumbling down a steep grade. He landed on a rock and broke his two legs. With the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, the preacher prayed, "O Lord, I'm so sorry for skipping services today. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish make a Christian out of...
Monday, July 25, 2011
DON'T STOP!
Daughter: What should I do if a boy hugs me?
Mother: Say Don't
Daughter: What if he ki$$£$ me?
Mother: Say stop!
The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and ki$$£s her very well at the same time so as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DON'T ST...
Sunday, July 24, 2011
HOW THE HUMAN RACE APPEARED
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God created Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was...
Friday, July 22, 2011
WHAT KIND OF TRACKS?
Three blondes were walking through a path when they came across a set of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks." The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks." The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, they are moose tracks." The blondes were still arguing when the train hit th...
Thursday, July 21, 2011
THE ATHEIST AND THE PASTORS'S CONVERSATION
Atheist: "Do you really believe that Jonah spent 3 days and three nights in the belly of a big fish?"
Preacher: "I don't know, sir, but when I get to heaven, I'll ask him."
Atheist: "But what if he isn't in heaven?"
Preacher: "Then you ask hi...
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
THE POPE'S DISEASE
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked...
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
NEW PUPPIES
Two blondes went to a pound where each of them adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?"
This led to several hours of concentration untill finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours." The next day the first blonde...
Monday, July 18, 2011
FUTURE TENSE
An English Language teacher was teaching his class about the tenses of verbs Teacher: I killed a person , tell me this sentence
in future tense. Student: You will go to ja...
Sunday, July 17, 2011
BLONDE SMARTNESS
This Proves Blondes Really Are Smart.A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from USA to CANADA. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,...
Saturday, July 16, 2011
PASSWORD AUDIT
During a recent password audit, it was discovered that a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinnieDonaldGoofyPlutoHueyLouieDewey When she was asked why she chose such a long password, she said that the computer instructed that it has to be at least 8 characters lo...
Friday, July 15, 2011
HOW MANY?
Teacher: If I give you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven Sir Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I give you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I give you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Six. Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits ,...
OH MY GOD!!!
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, whenever he walks into a room, everyone calls him ' Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room, people call him ' Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room, everyone says ' Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man then...
Thursday, July 14, 2011
GEORGE
A blonde guy goes to a football game and finds his place in the bleachers. After a while, someone far behind him yells, "Hey, George!" The blonde gets up and scans the crowd behind him. Not seeing anyone he recognizes, he sits down. Some time later, someone yells again, "Hey, George!" The blonde gets up again and looks around. Seeing no one he knows, he sits down. A third time someone yells, "Hey, George!" Finally, the blonde...
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
PLANTING SEEDS
One day, an old farmer was driving home from his annual trip to the city when he saw a group of blonde tree farmers planting their crop by hand. As he had some extra time on his hands, he stopped to watch. He couldn't believe his eyes as the used farmers dug holes and filled them back in without dropping in any seeds or seedlings in it. Finally his curiosity got the best of him so he got out of his car and walked over to talk...
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
THE EMAILTHE EMAIL
A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I’d be back a day earlier. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend! I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?"
"Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn ’t see the emai...
Monday, July 11, 2011
ONLY 3 SPOONS
There was a guy who was sick, he went to the doctor and said "doctor I have a fever" the doctor said "you will have to take 4 spoons of this medicine" the sick one said " but doctor, i only have 3 spoons what shall i d...
Sunday, July 10, 2011
SIMPLE QUESTIONS
What is the difference between a fly & a mosquito?
Simple! A fly can fly, but a mosquito cannot mosquito!!
What did baby corn ask mom corn?
Where is Pop corn?
Why is the River Rich?
It has two Banks!
What would computer programmers like to eat for snacks?
Micro chips!
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses to School?
She had a Bright Stude...
Saturday, July 9, 2011
NAK£D UNCLE FRED
One day, a man gets back home early from
work and hears strange
noises coming from the
bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his
wife nak£d on the bed,
sweating and panting.
"What's wrong?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack,"
cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab
the phone for ambulance,
but just as he's dialing, his 4 -
year-old son comes up and
says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle
Fred is hiding in your closet
and he's got no...
Friday, July 8, 2011
FATHER'S DEATH
A blonde and brunette are having tea when suddenly the phone rings. The blonde picks it up and immediantely starts crying. Her brunette friend asks her, "Why are you crying dear?" Blonde says, "Because my mom just called and said that my father just died. "I'm so sorry," says the brunette. The blonde finally stops crying, when the phone rings again. She picks it up and starts crying again. The brunette asks again whats wrong,...
Thursday, July 7, 2011
THE THREE ROOMS
A guy dies and went to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he may choose any one of three rooms to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, please, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. The People there are standing...
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
JESUS SAVES
Jesus and the devil were
arguing over which one of
them was the better
computer programmer.
"I am!" Jesus shouted.
"No, I am!"
countered the devil.
"I am!"
"I am!"
"Me!"
"No, me!"
"EEENOUGH!" God
bellowed, and the whole
universe disappeared into
darkness. When the lights
came back on, two
computers were sitting in
front of them.
God said "Now, whoever
makes the best computer
program in twenty minutes
wins."
Jesus and the devil...
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MARKETING AND SPAM.
Do you know what marketing is? Can you differentiate it from spamming? The following illustrations will help you get an idea.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You walk up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." ..... That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a some of your friends and you see a handsome guy. One of your friends walks up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." ..... That's Advertising....
Sunday, July 3, 2011
BEHOLD, I STAND AT THE DOOR.
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parish members. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis...
Friday, July 1, 2011
IT DOESN'T EXIST!
One day the kids in Mrs. Johnson's science class was disagreeing with her. Mrs. Johnson was talking about evolution. She was and atheist so she didn't believe in God. Then Johnny raised his hand and said, "But I thought God created mankind?" Mrs. Johnson then replied, "Well can you see God?" "No." "Hear God?" "No." "Feel God?" "No." This went on for quite a while. "Well then God doesn't exist." Then Johnny whispered back to his...
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