NIGERIAN HELL

A man dies and goes to hell. When he arrives, he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?". He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks...

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THE NEW CAR

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, and there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we...

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THE SLAP

Ex President Olusegun Obasanjo of Nigeria,ex vice president atiku abubaka, Agbani Darego (ex,miss World 2001), and health Minister onyebuchi chukwu are sitting in a train going through a dark tunnel. Suddenly, there is a kissing sound and then a slap!!! The train comes out of the tunnel into daylight. The women and Orji Uzo Kalu are sitting there looking perplexed, because everyone heard the slap, but nobody was sure were it came from....

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PUBLIC TOILET

I was in the public toilets today and as I sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi, how are you?". Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to?". I said, "Just doing the same as you sitting here! Then I'm asked "Can I come over?". Annoyed, I say "I'm rather busy right now". Then the voice said, "Listen, I'll have to call you back, there's an i.d.i.o.t in the cubicle next to me answering...

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TOP FIVE ANSWERS

Top five answers teachers give to their students if they don't know the answer to a question. 1) I Think The Question Is Wrong.. 2) I Will Tell You Tomorrow.. 3) Don't Ask Foolish Questions.. 4)You Will Study This In The Next Class.. And The Most Important One Is: 5)Nice Question, Raise Your Hands Who Knows The Answer...

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THE STOLEN GOAT

A thief was caught red handed with a stolen goat and was reported to a police officer on the road. As the policeman ws trying to interrogate the thief, the thief pretended to be deaf and dumb. In a short while, a man was passing by and interfered the scene and said I'm very gud at interpreting the language of deaf and dumb people. Now the thief started by saying ...eberebeeebe... To his surprise the interpreta said: "He said He...

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MEET ME IN ROOM 194

A man in the reception of an hotel mistakly Hit his elbow against the Breast of a lady standing behind him. He felt sorry for his unknownly action and Apologired Saying" I am very sorry Young lady, if your hrt is as soft as soft as your breast, you wil find a place in your heart to forgive me"The lady said nothing, but dropped a note in dropped man's front pocket"reading" "if your Man Hood, is as strONG as ur Elbow meet me in...

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PSYCHIATRIC PATIENTS

A doctor was examining two of his psychatric patients to see if both of them getting better. He put them in a dark room and switchd on a torch light and said to them "Any one of you who can sit on the ray of this light will go home today "the first guy approached the ray and started jumping hard 2 sit on it while the other sat in a corner laughing. The doctor looked at him and said its your turn. The second patient looked at the...

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TAXI DRIVERS

A woman and her mind- year-old son were having a side in a public taxi in Lagos. It was raining very heavily and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings. Mommy, said the little boy, what are all those women there doing? They' re waiting for their husbands to get off work, she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They are hookers, boy! They have sex with men for...

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THE PASTOR'S DONKEY

A pastor entered his donkey in a donkey race competition and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again. The following morning it was published in the news and newspapers The news headline reads: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races. The next day the local...

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I CAN NEVER TRY IT AGAIN

One evening, I saw a guy in a bush who wanted to commite sucide, he was dangling on a tree with a rope tied around his waist, I went close and asked him what was happening, he said he wants to die, then I laughed and said "If really you want to die, put the rope around your neck, not around your waist. He repied and said "I can never try it again in my life, the other time I put the rope around my neck it was very tight and ...

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SON'S ACHIEVEMENTS

Four friends were discussing at a party one of them excused himself to go to the toilet 1st man: My son started working at a very big oil and gas company. Now he is the overall manager of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a Mercedes benz for his birthday. 2nd man: My nun son started working in big airline , then became a partner in the company. Now he is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand...

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SIXTH AND SEVENTH SENSE

An integrated science lecturer was about lecturing his students on the human senses. Before the lesson, the lecturer wanted to know how if his students have an idea of the topic so he decides to ask questions... Lecturer: how many senses does a human have. John:- "5 sir! " Lecturer:- "sorry, you don't seem to know that there is a 6th sense which is called common sense... which you don't seem to have.." John:- "sir, there...

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THE BANANA TEST

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a lion, a chimp, a giraffe and a squirrel. They decided to compete to see who is the fastest to get a BANANA off the tree. Who do u guess will win?. Your answer will reflect your personality. so think very carefully....try and answer within 35 seconds. Got your answer? now continue . . . . . . . . . . . . If your answer is...... Lion: you're dull Chimpanzee: you're...

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THEN I'LL JUST WAIT A LITTLE

Okoro the house boy enters Madam's room without knocking. Madam- Okoro, this is wrong, what if I am naked or dressing up. Okoro- that one can never happen madam, before I enter, I always peep, if you're naked I'll go just wait a litt...

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YOUR GRAND CHILDREN WILL PAY THE BILL

A signboard outside a restaurant said eat as you can and let your grandchildren pay the bill. A man entered into the restaurant and ate as much as he could and when the waiter gave him the bill,he pointed at the signboard, 'dont you see, it's my grandchildren that will pay the bill?', the waiter replied sir, this is not your bill it is your grandfather's bill...

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THE DREAM

A very drunken man was dreaming that he died and reincarnated on earth as a chicken. In the dream, he became heavy and tried to lay an egg! Hepushed and pushed and laid the 1st egg, then the 2nd. He was pushing to lay a 3rd egg when his wife screamed ''James! You're (defaecating )shitting on the be...

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FOOLISH MAN, FOOLISH CHICKEN

Vincent was sent to deliver a life Christmas chicken to Mrs. Francisca in Lagos. On his way, a careless bike man made him fall off the bike and the chicken immediately ran off. When Vincent saw the chicken was running away, he started laughing. At the side of the Road was Sandra who asked him why he was laughing, Vincent said "See this foolish chicken, where does it know in Lagos when the address is with m...

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Riddle 21 - 10 apples

A basket contains 10 apples which are to be shared by 10 people. After sharing the apples, each person gets one apple but one apple is left in the basket. How is that possible? cHECK THE ANSWEr scroll to riddle ...

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GOAT AND CHICKEN

A goat and a chicken were discussing and walking along the road side and suddenly a car passed and splashed water on them, Angrily the chicken hissed and said, don't mind them that's how they drive like goat, and the goat smiled and said, hmm no wonder they die like chick...

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ADVANTAGES OF BR£@$T MILK

An unprepared agricultural science student sat in the examination hall staring at a difficult question which was: "Give 4 advantages of br£@$t milk"...he sighed and began to write whatever came into his head. This was what he wrote: 1. No need to boil 2. Never goes sour 3. Available whenever necessary.. He didn't know what next to write but the examination question demanded four answers and so he thought very hard... Suddenly...

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CAUGHT SPEEDING

A police officer stops a woman who was over speeding Woman: Any problem, Officer? Officer: Madam, you were over speeding. Woman: Oh, I see nothing wrong in that. Officer: You say nothing wrong...Can I see your license please? Woman: I would have given it to you but I don't have. Officer: you don't have a license? Woman: I Lost it 4 times for due to drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration...

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Lying friends

A boy reached home very late at night. Father (angrily): where the hell were you? Boy: I was at my friends home! Father called his 10 friends, 4 answered: "Yes Uncle! he was here with me." 3 answered: "He just left a little while ago." 2 answered:"He is still here and we are studying." and the last one crossed all limits, He answered, "Hello Dad! I will come late tonig...

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LEARN TO PAY ATTENTION

A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table. The professor tells the class “In Veterinary Medicine, there are two qualities you must possess as a doctor – the first of which is a strong stomach. You cannot, under any circumstance, be disgusted by anything...

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Riddle 20 - Green house

There was a green house. Inside the green house there was a white house. Inside the white house there was a red house. Inside the red house there were lots of babies. What is it? cHECK THE ANSWEr scroll to riddle ...

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IS IT BY FORCE TO MARRY?

During a wedding reception; the groom was called upon to give his vote of thanks to his guests and this is what he came up with: 1. I want to first of all thank the Lord Almighty for creating my wife and to also thank the pastor and his wife for lending us their wedding rings. 2. Special appreciation to my landlord who lent us his car. 3. I am most grateful to my boss for approving the loan I used for the wedding. 4. Big...

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WE'LL GO AT NIGHT

Santa and Banta, both student of I.I.T, Kanpur, were talking about the American Astronauts. Santa said to Banta, "What's the big deal about going to the moon- anybody can go to the moon. We are sardars we will go direct to the sun." Banta replied "But if we get within 13 million miles from the sun, we'll melt." And Santa answered, "So what, we'll go at nigh...

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ST. PETER'S QUESTIONS

Just of recent, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer died and met themselves at the Pearly Gates of heaven. St. Peter told them that in order to get into Heaven, each of them would have to answer a question, any one who answers his question right would be allowed into heaven. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? The teacher had watched a movie about it."...

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I PROMISED HIM

There was a man who had worked all his life and had saved all his money. He loved money more than just about anything and just before he died he got his wife to promise with all her heart that she'll bury all the money in the coffin with him. He later died and the burial ceremony was done and just before the undertakers got ready to lower the coffin the wife said "wait a minute" she had a box with her and placed it in the coffin...

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DON'T COPY IF YOU CAN'T PASTE

A popular motivational speaker who was addressing his audience said: "The best Years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"The audience was in total silence and shock. The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!" the audience responded with Laughter and a round of Applause. A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a...

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I'M GOING TO SAVE IT

Jude and Jones were trying to light a match. Jude struck the first match and it didn't work, so he threw it away. He struck the second match. That also didn't work, so he threw it away angrily. Jones collected the matches from struck the third one and it lit up. "That's a good one!” he said, blowing it out. “I'm going to keep i...

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WAITING FOR A TRAIN

Nancy buys a self-assembly, flat-pack, of very wide cupboard from her local Homebase store. When she reached home reads the instructions manual carefully, counts the pieces then assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really very great and she is very happy. Now, Nancy lives near a railway line and as the train passes by the cupboard collapses. Undaunted by this misfortune she re-reads the instructions and reassembles...

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A GIRL'S CONFESSION

A girl went to a catholic priest to confess her sins GIRL: Father, I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a ba$tard. PRIEST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that? GIRL: Well, he k!ss£d me. PRIEST: You mean like this? The priest k!ss£d the girl GIRL: Yes! PRIEST: Well that's no reason to call him a ba$tard. GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top. PRIEST:You mean like this?...

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SMART STUDENTS, SMARTER LECTURER

There were four students of the University of Cambridge, who had an exam to write for the next day, but during the day's evening, they were tempted to visit a night club believing that they will get home before dawn to read their books, but unfortunately, they got so drunk and slept till late the next morning. when they woke up, they thought of what to do or say to the lecturer to let them sit for the exam the next day, One of...

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85 YEARS OLD

An old lady was standing at the railing of a ship, holding her hat on tightly so that it wouldn't blow off in the wind. A young man came to her and said: "Pardon me please, madam. I do not intend being too forward, but do you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know." replied the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But madam, you should know that your pr!vat£$ are exposed!" said the young...

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